The spacemen on the I.S.S. got a cargo rocket for Christmas. Mostly food, fuel, oxygen -- you know, the basics.

Several bank robberies hit Tulsa recently.

November 13th a black man with a black hooded sweat shirt, white handkerchief over his lower face and a black semiautomatic pistol robbed The Credit Union Service Center, telling the teller, "All large bills on the counter,"

Witnesses say he was 30 to 40 years old, about 5 feet 9 inches tall and about 160 pounds.

December 3rd a black man with a black semiautomatic handgun and a yellow cloth over his mouth robbed the Communication Federal Credit Union, saying "Place large bills on the counter."

Witnesses say he was about 5 feet 7 inches tall and about 200 pounds.

December 22nd a black man with a hooded black sweatshirt, red bandanna pulled over the lower half of his face and a semiautomatic pistol robbed the Bank of the West, asking for "All the big money."

Witnesses say he was 23 to 28 years old, about 5 feet 8 inches tall and 160 to 180 pounds.

December 28th a black man wearing a black hooded sweatshirt and implying that he had a gun robbed the Bank of America.

Witnesses say he was 35 to 45 years old, 5 feet 4 to 5 feet 5 inches tall, and weighing 140 to 150 pounds.

Police say all four robbers may be the same man -- evidently from --

• five-foot-five to five-9,
• 140 to 200 pounds,
• 23 to 45 years old.

You know, a big, fat, young, skinny, little old guy.

A story about "green burials" made me think of my father.

In a green burial, the deceased is not embalmed. He is natural and fresh. He is buried in a bio-degradable coffin. Maybe a tree is planted over him. Maybe not.

There's a whole new market for this, things like --

• coffins made of recycled newspaper.
• fair-trade bamboo.
• cotton shrouds.

And this all reminds me of my father. He died a couple years ago and attended a traditional Jewish burial.

He was unembalmed and wore a simple cotton robe and a plain wood coffin with no metal hardware to leave behind when his molecules return to the Earth.

Hey, whadaya' know, the Chosen People were Green before Green was cool.

I'm still thinking about a tree.

Police in Los Angeles arrested a man wearing a Santa hat, wig, a red lace camisole and purple G-string.

Investigators say they suspect alcohol was involved.

I'm spending Christmas in Utah.

Utah law requires in every classroom a display of the national motto, "In God we trust." (I thought it was "E Pluribus Unum," but what do I know?)

Utah lawmakers now want to add the American flag and the Declaration of Independence.

The U.S. constitution would be optional.

Quotation of the day --

Dear Lord, I've been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for for the Christmas turkey before us ... a turkey which was no doubt a living, intelligent bird ... a social being ... capable of mutual affection ... muzzling its young with almost human-like compassion. Anyway, it's dead and we're gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family ...

--- Berke Breathed.

Other quotation of the day --

Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.

-- Matt Groening.

'Twas the night before Christmas --

Baby Jesus has a GPS tracker. Someone stole the old baby Jesus from the nativity scene in Bal Harbor, Florida. So the new Jesus wears a Lojac. Mary and Joseph are also chipped.

Here are some last minute gift ideas from USA Today.

• Christmas action figures from Wal-Mart
• David, Goliath, Sampson and Moses dolls
• Jesus air fresheners

But as you shop, beware of shopdropping. That's when artists drop phony goods on store shelves and then film shoppers who want to buy the stuff. Stuff like --

• Anti-Christ action figures with gas mask, bolt cutters and Molotov cocktails.
• Bibles in a bookstore's fantasy/science fiction section.
• Karl Marx T-shirts that say, "Peace on Earth. After we overthrow capitalism."

Here's the Christmas dinner menu from the Oklahoma State Penitentiary in McAllester --

• Smoked ham with pineapple glaze
• Sweet potatoes
• Buttered corn
• Broccoli rice cheese casserole
• Dinner rolls
• Christmas cake or peach cobbler

Mars will rise in the east extra bright tonight because it's close to the Earth and opposite the sun.

-- And to all a good night.

An Australian tour group is offering an Around the World in Sixty Pubs tour, with stops at bars in eleven countries, including England, Germany, Czechoslovakia, Thailand and Mexico.

The cost is $10,000. Drinks are extra.

The quotation of the day --

"Mars has global warming despite the absence of S.U.V.s."

-- U.S. Senator James M. Inhofe, (R) Oklahoma.

The Green Bay City Council has approved Christmas trees and a nativity scene for city hall.

But in a blatant display of religious intolerance failed to approve an aluminium Festivus pole, as in Seinfeld's "A festival for the rest of us."

Congressman Connie Mack has married Mary Bono, who was formerly married to Sonny Bono, who was formerly married to Cher, who was later married to Gregg Allman, who was formerly married to Shelly, Julie and at least two others, and subsequently married Stacey Fountain.

This all may make more sense if you draw up a flow-chart.

Pakistani police arrested Rashid Rauf for plotting to blow up some airliners. But on the way to jail, the cops let him pray at a roadside mosque.

Rashid escaped.

Now this may sound like a terrible travesty of justice, but is it not possible that Rashid prayed for freedom?

And is it not possible that God answered his prayer?

Presidential elections continue in Kenya. The death toll is 20.

French President Nicolas Sarkozy, divorced from second wife of eleven years, Cecilia Sarkozy, who was nine months pregnant when she married her first husband, and took up with Nicolas when he was still married to someone else, is now going with supermodel/singer Carla Bruni (who says, I'm monogamous from time to time but I prefer polygamy and polyandry") who used to date Mick Jagger, Eric Clapton, Donald Trump and had a child with the French philosopher Bernard-Henri LevyRaphael, who was married to philosopher Raphael Enthoven (whose previous wife, novelist Justine Levy, once referred to Bruni as "Beautiful and bionic, with the look of a killer."), after an affair with his father, John Paul.

This all may make more sense if you draw up a flow-chart.

Responding to widespread fears, the cattle industry has come up with a tracking system for cloned animals.

Lord knows, we've got to keep track of those rampaging Frankencows.

Never mind that cloned animals are identical to their natural-born relatives. That's why they're called clones.

We've all seen that when scientists defy the natural forces of nature, you end up with a big lizard stomping Tokyo.

Those killer pot pies are no more.

ConAgra recalled $30 million worth of Banquet pot pies after 272 pie-eaters got salmonella poisoning.

So Banquet changed the cooking instructions. Now, they say, cook them longer. Problem solved.

The old pies had a sticker on the box that read, "Ready in 4 minutes." ConAgra says the stickers were just for marketing purposes.

Evidently they were not to be taken literally.

Who knew?

And now, killer railway platforms.

Connecticut's Metro-North railroad is warning commuters that, if they step into the gap between the rail car and the platform, they could die.

Some have.

This year Christmas is brought to you by --

• Segway and Sonic Drive-Ins, sponsoring part of Oklahoma City's Downtown in December Festival, featuring Santa on a Segway.
• McDonald's and Verizon Wireless, sponsoring a massive light display in Virginia Beach, which includes a surfing Santa.
• Avera, a local health care system, sponsoring the Avera Parade of Lights in Sioux City, featuring a 60-foot Christmas tree.

A commercial Christmas is nothing new. It was an ad agency for Montgomery Ward that invented Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer.

The great December ice storm knocked out most of the traffic lights here in Tulsa. But Tulsa police say the number of intersection collisions was about the same as before the storm.

Which means that Tulsans are very careful when the red lights are out -- or just clueless when the red lights are on.

A crowd of holiday revelers were exchanging Christmas greetings on the New York subway the other day when four Jews on the train wished them a "Happy Hanukkah."

The crowd beat the hell out of those Jews.

Police arrested ten.

Peace on earth, and whatever.

Quotation of the day --

"I may not be the expert that some people are on foreign policy, but I did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night.”

Mike Huckabee, presidential candidate

Tulsa Community College engineering students have developed cars that run on diet Coke and Mentos candy. The cars are just small models, but if the concept proves itself the technology could perhaps be scaled up.

One promising aspect of this research is that, while many alternative fuels -- like hydrogen -- are hard to come by, most places that sell gasoline also sell Pepsi and Mentos.

The college of William and Mary basketball team is nicknamed "The Tribe," and their logo has two feathers.

The NCAA says the name can stay but the logo has to go because those feathers are just too offensive.

Here are some of the heartwarming holiday made-for-television movies coming to a TV near you this Christmas.

• The Note on the Hallmark Channel: Just in time for Christmas a daughter receives a note from her dead father. It's dad's last words that he wrote while his plane was crashing.
• Lost Holiday on Lifetime: A divorced man spends Christmas lost in a blizzard with his ex wife. They spend most of the movie trying not to freeze to death.
• For One More Day on ABC: A despondent man is talked out of suicide by the ghost of his late mother.
• Holiday in Handcuffs on ABC Family: A desperate woman kidnaps a man -- any man -- to take to her parents house for Christmas dinner.
• An Accidental Christmas on Lifetime: A separated couple is tricked into spending Christmas with the spouse they each can't stand.

Christmas cheer, anyone?

What would Christmas be without Christmas music on the radio? Here are some of the new Christmas albums out this year.

• Yo, It's Christmas from the Yo Yo Kids with Trick Out the Tree and North Pole Homies.
• Oh Santa! New and Used Holiday Classics from The Moaners, featuring Something Funny in Santa's Lap.
• Monster Ballads Christmas from Faster Pussycat featuring Silent Night.
• And Christmas For All! The Holiday Tribute to Metallica from the Santa Claus Naughty But Nice Orchestra featuring For Whom the Bell Tolls.
• The Flesh Eating Rollerskate from Psychostick featuring Holiday Hate, Jolly Old Sadist and Jingle Bell Metal.
• A Dan Band Christmas from The Dan Band featuring I Wanna Rock U Hard This Xmas, Please Don't Bomb Nobody This Holiday and Christmakwanzakah.
• The Secret of Christmas from the Captain and Tennille featuring I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas.

Ah yes, there's nothing like the traditional sounds of Christmas, and these are nothing like the traditional sounds of Christmas.

On the sixth day of Hanukkah an enormous ice storm hit town, tearing down trees and knocking out power. A big oak totaled my wife's car and took out the phone line, electric, cable and broadband.

But back to Hanukkah.

The Book of Maccabees says, "A great miracle happened here." After the Maccabees retook Jerusalem's great temple from the Syrians, there was only enough sacred oil to burn the eternal flame for one day, but it miraculously burned for eight days. To this day, Jews celebrate Hanukkah by burning menorahs for eight days.

At my house this year, the electric menorah only stayed lit for six days. No miracle happened here.

Libyan leader Colonel Muammar el Qaddafi is coming to Paris -- and he's bringing his tent. The Bedouin tent is where he'll receive visiting VIPs. He'll pitch his tent next to the Elysee Palace, thereby turning the joint into one fancy KOA campground.

Quotation of the day --

"If there is a God, atheism must seem to Him as less of an insult than religion."

-- Edmond de Goncourt

The lead writer for Your Show of Shows -- starring Sid Caesar and Imogene Coca -- died Monday. Mel Tolken -- born Shmuel Tolchinsky -- was 94.

Tolken supervised a writers' room that variously included Woody Allen, Mel Brooks, Larry Gelbart and Neil Simon.

When the writers slowed, Tolken was known to shout, "Gentlemen, we've got to get something done! Jews all over America will be watching Saturday night!"

A new Columbia University report says that CT scans, those super X-rays that can detect cancer, can also cause cancer.

Sometimes you can't win for losing.

Wisconsin deer hunting season just ended. The death toll is --

• deer, 171,000
• hunters, 3

U.S. troops killed four passengers in a minibus -- three of them women -- at a Baghdad checkpoint.

U.S. Military Spokesman Rear Admiral Gregory Smith says the civilians were killed by warning shots.

They've been warned.

Isn't it ironic.

Director Bruce Thompson of the New Mexico Department of Game and Fish has confessed to illegal deer hunting.

The Texas State Library and Archives Commission concludes that the state just issues too many reports, as they outlined in a 668 page report.

Assistant Director Cylenthia Clark of the Fulton County, Georgia, Division of Family and Children Services was indicted on charges she made her 8-year-old daughter strip down to her underwear and then beat the girl 34 times with a leather belt.

To vote in Virginia's Republican primary, it's not enough to just register as a Republican. You must also sign an oath swearing loyalty to the Republican party and promising to vote for the Republican presidential nominee in the general election.

The State Board of Elections approved this. No word on how it will be enforced.

Inflation in Zimbabwe last month was 7,982%. But this month, says the country's chief statistician, there's such a shortage of consumer goods that inflation cannot be calculated.

Inflation in Zimbabwe approaches infinity.

J. Robert Cade died this week. He was 80. Cade was a Professor of Nephrology at the University of Florida. But he's best remembered as the inventor of Gatorade,

I'll drink to that.

Cade also invented -- in the 1970s -- Hop'n Gator, a fruity alcoholic drink. That one never really caught on.

Quidditch has come to our plane of reality.

You know, the Harry Potter game.

The Middlebury Mollywobbles defeated Vassar at this year's Intercollegiate Quidditch World Cup Fall Festival in Vermont.

The game involves two teams of twelve people each running around holding broomsticks between their legs and chasing the golden snitch.

Harry Potter's golden snitch was a magical flying orb, but in this game it's a guy running across the field with a tennis ball hanging from his shorts.

The object is to grab it. The tennis ball, not the shorts.

Has this hit U-Tube yet? It should be a hoot, maybe even funnier than those nut jobs with the light sabres who keep turning up.

Tradition can come back to haunt you.

It's a yearly tradition for the president to invite winners of Nobel prizes to the White House.

Even when a winner is the guy you stole the election from.

And that's how Al Gore came to be sharing a photo-op with the president in the Oval Office.

It was enough to send the Vice President into atrial fibrillation.

Al Gore had a 40 minute private meeting with George Bush. Gore says they spent the entire time discussing global warming.

Right.

And at the end of the day, doctors shocked Dick Cheny's heart back to life. There's no truth to the rumor that the procedure took place in a mountaintop castle, and involved lightning.

He's alive! He's alive!

I love this feelgood story about the Fairfield, Connecticut Fire Department that uses a thermal imaging camera to find people who are trapped in a fire.

It works on the principal that people are either hotter or colder than a fire. I'm not sure about the technical details.

Anyway, in Sunday's fire the department couldn't find any humans but they did rescue two cats.

In a perfect universe, God would judge people by how good they are to cats.

San Francisco plans to make available city photo I.D. cards that don't reference citizenship or gender.

The cards will primarily benefit illegal immigrants.

But the move is also applauded by the transgender community.

Not all agree. The Family Research Council says that the cards will encourage the idea that gender identity is flexible.

And their point is?

Quotation of the day --

"It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods, or no god. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg."

-- Thomas Jefferson

So it's Thanksgiving, and we celebrate that first meal when the pilgrims from the Mayflower sat down in Plymouth with the Indians to give thanks.

Wait, not so fast.

Virginia claims that Jamestown, the new world's first permanent English settlement, was the scene of that first Thanksgiving dinner, thirteen years before the Mayflower landed.

Wait, not so fast.

Florida has staked a claim for the first Thanksgiving. The Spanish explorer Pedro Menendez de Aviles and his crew sat down with the Timucua Indians for the feast of St. Augustine, in what is now the town of St. Augustine, 56 years before the Mayflower. The Nombre de Dios Mission founded by Menendez still stands there, the site of the first permanent settlement in America.

That means the first Thanksgiving, that uniquely American holiday, was in Spanish.

Take that, Lou Dobbs.

And about that Plymouth rock thing. That's not true either.

Like George Washington's cherry tree and Betsy Ross's flag, the Plymouth Rock story is another bit of invented history.

In none of the writings of the pilgrims is there any mention of Plymouth Rock.

The story of how the pilgrims landed there on the Mayflower didn't pop up until 120 years after the event, told by an old man who said he heard it from his father. There was no other supporting evidence.

And the stone known as Plymouth Rock is only a shadow of its former self -- one third of its former self, actually, after centuries of souvenir hunters chipping pieces off it.

Coming up later -- the truth about Santa Claus.

Quotation of the day --

"Is God willing to prevent evil but not able? Then he is impotent. Is he able but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Whence, then, evil."

-- Epicurus

I was a child who played on the jungle gym made of steel pipe in a Brooklyn playground made of concrete. There I'd hang by my legs, upside down, my head a yard above the hard cement that never did splatter my skull.

The early Sesame Street is out on DVD -- "Sesame Street: Old School" volumes one and two -- with a warning label: "These early 'Sesame Street' episodes are intended for grown-ups, and may not suit the needs of today's preschool child."

How sad. It makes me want to ride my bike downhill, fast, without hands or helmet. Just like I used to.

As Oklahoma celebrated 100 years of statehood, a group marched on the capital to protest illegal immigration.

The protesters were American Indians.

The illegal immigrants were white men.

And women.

A hundred years ago Oklahoma was Indian country.

But not anymore.

And that's where immigration can lead.

Coal-energy causalities this week:

• 63 dead in a Ukraine mine explosion
• 37 trapped
• 28 injures

Natural gas causalities this week:

• 28 dead in a Saudi Arabia pipeline explosion
• 12 missing

Nuclear energy causalities in the U.S. this century:

• none

Revenuers in Nashville seized a three litre bottle of Jack Daniels, a bottle so large it cannot be legally sold in the U.S.

And that's a fact, Jack.

The Hollywood Prayer Network -- five thousand Christians strong -- prays for celebrities.

They pray for Paris Hilton. They pray for Britney Spears.

Britney is their number one prayer request.

They take prayer walks on studio lots, handing out stickers -- to put on your remote control -- that say, "Pray for this show."

They sell red bracelets stamped 90028. That's the Hollywood zip code.

Never say the movies haven't got a prayer.

Not a legal resident?

No driver's licence for you!

I'm talking about Mexico, here.

In the U.S., eight states allow driver's licenses for illegal immigrants.

But not Mexico. All 31 Mexican states and the District of Mexico City require proof of citizenship or a work visa.

Isn't it ironical?

Coming to Branson, Missouri, Noah - The Musical, featuring:

• 40 actors*
• live animals
• camels - horses - llamas - dogs - birds - and more
• 2 of each, of course
• two million watts of lighting
• surround sound
• football field size stage
• four story ark

The Bible just doesn't get any better than this.

*Only eight actors make it onto the ark, of course.

From Braun, the Oral-B ProfessionalCare 9900 Triumph electric toothbrush with Wireless Smart Guide, a wireless display that monitors brushing pressure, brush wear, elapsed time, and has a programmable custom brushing mode.

And just in time for Christmas. It's for the person who has everything except a Braun Oral-B ProfessionalCare 9900 Triumph electric toothbrush with Wireless Smart Guide and programmable custom brushing mode.

There will be no election watchdogs in Russia this time.

Elections are December 2. But Russia delayed the visas and laid down so many restrictions about how many foreign election observers they'd allow, where they could go, and when they could report, that the Office for Democratic and Human Rights of the Organization for Security and Cooperation in Europe just gave up.

On the other hand, I can understand Russia's resistance. Imagine how we'd feel if the United Nations were to send some committee to the U.S. to see that our next presidential election was fair and accurate.

On the third hand, I kind of like the idea.

The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops has issued a statement on "faithful citizenship."

The statement says, in part, "A Catholic cannot vote for a candidate who takes a position in favor of an intrinsic evil, such as abortion..." It informs Catholics that such votes, "also may affect their salvation."

In other words, VOTE REPUBLICAN OR GO TO HELL.

It's time for another round of "Insert punchline here."

This story is verbatim from Agence France-Presse via The New York Times:

SUDAN: APOLOGY FOR SURGICAL MIX-UP

.

Health Minister David Homeli Mwakyusa has apologised in Parliament for a surgical mix-up this month that resulted in a knee patient's undergoing a complex brain operation. The brain patient had knee surgery.

.

(Insert punchline here.)

Svitlana Parnyuk, walking home from a New Jersey Mini Mart where she had just bought a lottery ticket, was hit by a car and killed.

And she lost the lottery, too.

Tens of thousands of joyous Palestinians filled the streets of Gaza to remember the third anniversary of the death of Yasir Arafat.

The death toll was six.

Fatah members say Hamas police did the shooting.

But a Hamas policeman said they had to respond after Fatah people threw rocks and called them names.

A new opinion poll says that 40% of Palestinians most trust the Fatah party.

25% most trust the Hamas party.

The rest trust no one. Good call.

A Washington man tried to loosen the lug nut on his Lincoln Continental with a shotgun.

He was hit with buckshot all over his body, but he'll survive.

He'd been trying to get the lug nut off for two weeks.

Police say the incident was not alcohol related.

I guess that when your best tool is a shotgun, all your problems look like lug nuts.

Talk about your mobile home!

Saudi Arabian Prince Alwaleed bin Talal is buying a flying palace.

The Airbus A380 has two stories and 6,000 feet of floor space. It stands as tall as a seven story building with a wingspan the length of a football field. The plane costs $320 million without furnishings.

It'll be furnished with private private bedrooms and maybe a movie theater or a gym with jacuzzi. It takes a crew of 15.

The prince is trading up from a Boeing 747.

Air Force One is a 747.

It's good to be prince.

A new study says that kids who watch a lot of TV are more likely to have sex by age 15.

And the University of Wisconsin study says that the more TV kids watch, the more sex they have.

Funny, but that never worked for me when I was that age.

In fact, if I'd had more sex -- make that, any sex -- I'd have watched a lot less TV.

Just in time for the presidential campaign the book Target: Caught in the Crosshairs of Bill and Hillary Clinton by Kathleen Willey, published by World Ahead, in which the author reveals that...

• President Clinton sexually assaulted her in the Oval Office.
• Her husband was murdered on the same day. "They" said it was suicide.
• Her husband had shady financial dealings with the Clintons.
• Hillary hired a detective to kill her cats.
• Hillary was late in paying the detective's bill.
• A mysterious burglar broke into her home and stole only the manuscript of this book. Luckily, she had another copy.
• The Clintons have an army of secret police.
• Bill is an exiled ruler from the planet Zanfoort and Hillary is an escapee from an evil alternate universe. They have come to Earth to steal our living essence and use it to build an invincible army of daemons with which to take over the galaxy and remake it in their image.

OK, I just made up that last one.

Pat Robertson has endorsed Rudy Giuliani for president.

It's not they agree on abortion rights. Rudy's for it, Pat's against it.

It's not that they agree on gay marriage. Rudy's for it, Pat's against it.

In fact, Pat said it was because of America's tolerance of abortion and homosexuality that God let Islamic terrorists bring down the World Trade building.

But now Pat says he believes that Rudy can defend the country against "the blood lust of Islamic terrorists."

Pat enthusiastically says, "Rudy Giuliani is without question an acceptable candidate."

And Pat says that Rudy "can win the general election."

Because winning isn't everything. It's the only thing.

And now let's play "Insert punchline here."

This year there was a Muslim float in San Francisco's Gay Pride Parade.

(Insert punchline here.)

Parents magazine asked 1,006 parents which presidential candidate they would most trust to babysit their children.

Most parents -- 26% -- said Hillary Clinton.

Then the magazine asked which candidate they would least trust to babysit their children.

Most parents -- 25% -- said Hillary Clinton.

Sometimes you just can't win.

Or lose.

Once upon a time -- actually, last Tuesday -- in the usually peaceful Afghan town of Baghlan, eighteen strangers came to visit.

The strangers were members of Parliament, and they came to visit the sugar factory that brought the town wealth and happiness.

Townspeople jammed the street to see the lawmakers and schoolchildren lined up to greet them. The children shook the visitors' hands, and one teenager presented them with a bouquet of red and pink roses.

And then a suicide bomber blew them up.

Some survived.

The end.

Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers filed a lawsuit against his state's use of the electric chair. But the Lancaster County District Court ruled against him, saying he had no standing because he had never been injured by an electric chair.

Warning!

You know those Billy Bob teeth people buy and wear for a gag? Some of them contain dangerous levels of lead. Lead can cause permanent brain damage.

So those teeth can actually turn you into what you're trying to look like.

The watermelon is now Oklahoma's official state vegetable.

Observers aren't sure the watermelon is a vegetable.

Nevertheless, the Legislature voted on it, and that makes it so.

The Vienna Divorce Fair on Saturday was a one stop shopping place for those about to split the sheets. Services included:

• Detectives for hostile breakups.
• Paternity testing for really hostile breakups.
• Real estate agents for those who agree to split the property.
• Mediators for those who don't agree.
• Conflict management for those who really don't agree.
• Social workers for those who just can't decide.
• The Roman Catholic Church for those who prefer annulments.
• Makeovers for women back on the make.
• Dating services for women not making it.
• Lawyers. Lots of lawyers.

Dog shoots man.

There's at least one story like this every year at the beginning of hunting season, this time in Iowa. When James Harris went to retrieve a pheasant he'd just shot, he laid his shotgun on the ground. His dog stepped on the gun and shot the hunter.

This guy was lucky. He survived. Others haven't.

Remember, guns don't kill people. Dogs do.

The Hard Rock Park opening in Myrtle Beach will have a "Knights in White Satin - The Trip" ride.

I don't want to sound like just another whining baby boomer who misses the sixties, and I was never a big Moody blues fan, but -- to take an iconic song for a decade and a generation and turn it into a thrill ride at a theme park, that's just wrong. That would be like using Beatles songs for TV commercials or the Rolling Stones playing Vegas.

No. Don't tell me.

Just in time for Hanukkah, there's the kosher cell phone.

Rates are two cents per minute six days a week, but $2.44 per minute on the sabbath -- to discourage you from phoning on the day of rest.

The phone won't text message, take pictures or connect to the Internet -- to protect you from temptation.

And the phone blocks more than 10,000 numbers for phone sex and dating, to protect you from -- well, to protect you from phone sex and dating.

Seen on a bumper sticker in Tulsa --

"Jesus is coming. Look busy."

Turkey celebrated its republic's 84th anniversary with huge military demonstrations.

Tanks and other war machines rolled through the streets and torchlight parades lit the night.

Turkey's president rode with his military chief in an open Cadillac on the streets of Ankara, led by a cavalry troop and followed by fighter jets flying in formation, while troops rappelling from helicopters danced across the sky.

In Istanbul, armored vehicles drove on streets lined with saluting soldiers and flag waving citizens.

And then, to top it off, the Turkish military invaded Iraq.

According to Jewish law, every seventh year is a sabbatical -- or shmita -- year when Jewish farmers must let their fields lie fallow. And this is such a year.

But Israel's chief rabbi has ruled that Jewish farmers may sell their land to goyim -- non Jews -- temporarily for a year and still legally sell the produce.

Which reminds me of a story my rabbi used to tell.

In the story, a rabbi wakes up one winter sabbath morning to find that an overnight blizzard has blanketed the countryside. The rabbi must walk to shul -- the synagogue -- for morning prayers but he can't bring himself to mar with his footprints the perfect whiteness of the snowfall.

So he gets some goyim to carry him.

U Par Par Lay is a Burmese vaudevillian. Here is his favorite joke.

"U Par Par Lay goes to India to have his toothache treated. The Indian dentist wonders why the Burmese man has come all the way to India.

"'Don't you have dentists in Myanmar?' he asks?

"'Oh yes we do, doctor,' Mr. Par Par Lay says. "But in Myanmar, we are not allowed to open our mouths.'"

Government agents raided his theater last September 25 and took U Par Par Lay away. He hasn't been since.

Some things just aren't funny.

(New York Times)

The Red Ribbon Campaign is recalling some wristbands because the anti-drug message is printed like this: "I've got BETTER things to DO than DRUGS.

They feel it might convey the wrong message.

Missouri State Senator Chuck Graham says he gave up drinking after he rear ended a car last week.

At the kickoff fundraiser for his re-election, he's cancelled the cash bar.

He feels it might convey the wrong message.

The New Hampshire legislature may ban two handed text messaging while driving.

One handed would be OK, but on the other hand it would be illegal.

Last month, lawyers for death row inmate Michael Richard filed for a last minute stay of execution with the Texas Court of Criminal Appeals at 5:20 PM. However, the court closes at 5:00 PM. The client died of lethal injection at 8:23 PM.

And thus we learn the importance of being on time.

Quotation of the day --

"Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work."

-- attributed to HennyYoungman.

In Oklahoma, the Governor’s Ethnic American Advisory Council presented copies of the Queran to all 149 Oklahoma lawmakers, in the interest of education and understanding. Twenty-four lawmakers refused the gift on the grounds that Islam endorses violence --

("The punishment of those who pit themselves against Allah and His Messenger and strive to make mischief in the land is only this, that they should be murdered or crucified or their hands and their feet should be cut off on opposite sides... Queran 5:33-34)

-- and oppresses women.

("And tell the believing women to lower their gaze and be modest, and to display of their adornment only that which is apparent, and to draw their veils over their bosoms, and not to reveal their adornment save to their own husbands or fathers or husbands' fathers, or their sons or their husbands' sons, or their brothers or their brothers' sons or sisters' sons, or their women, or their slaves, or male attendants who lack vigour, or children who know naught of women's nakedness." Queran 24:31)

It should be pointed out that, earlier this year, all lawmakers accepted their free bibles.

("If you hear it said about one of the towns the LORD your God is giving you to live in that wicked men have arisen among you and have led the people of their town astray, saying, 'Let us go and worship other gods,' then you must inquire, probe and investigate it thoroughly. And if it is true and it has been proved that this detestable thing has been done among you, you must certainly put to the sword all who live in that town. Destroy it completely, both its people and its livestock." Deuteronomy 13:12)

( "The people of Samaria must bear their guilt, because they have rebelled against their God. They will fall by the sword; their little ones will be dashed to the ground, their pregnant women ripped open." Hosea 13:16)

("If a man takes a wife and, after lying with her, dislikes her and slanders her and gives her a bad name, saying, 'I married this woman, but when I approached her, I did not find proof of her virginity,' then the girl's father and mother shall bring proof that she was a virgin to the town elders at the gate... If, however, the charge is true and no proof of the girl's virginity can be found, she shall be brought to the door of her father's house and there the men of her town shall stone her to death." Deuteronomy 22:13)

Police arrested Craig McCullough in Cedar Rapids after he was found on the floor of a restroom -- pants down -- with an inflatable love doll.

The doll was not charged.

Craig was convicted earlier for stealing a mannequin wearing a wedding gown from a bridal boutique.

Statutory rape?

The problem: aphids and mites.

Manhattan's largest housing project -- the 80 acre Stuvyesant Town and Peter Cooper Village -- is infested with them. How to rid the complex of billions of aphids and mites?

The solution: ladybugs.

The complex has imported 750,000 ladybugs from Bozeman, Montana, to eat the aphids and mites.

Next: How to rid the complex of 750,000 ladybugs?

Mumbai, India, has banned domesticated elephants from the city. They say that the hot, crowded, polluted streets are just too cruel for elephants.

For people, though, it's still OK.

Also in India, a gang of rampaging Rhesus Macaque monkeys killed the deputy mayor of New Delhi.

The city is overrun with these monkeys. So New Delhi is using Langur monkeys -- a natural predator -- to get rid of the Rhesus Macaques.

Next: How to rid New Delhi of Langur Monkeys?

Tampa high school teacher Christina Butler, 33, was arrested for having sex with a 16-year-old student.

I don't think she should go to jail. I think she should get a medal. I wish my teacher had done that for me.

Especially my history teacher. She was a sweetie.

In Anchorage, Ruth Seetot didn't know her 22-year-old grandson held a party in her apartment Friday until the next day when she found a body in her freezer.

When confronted, grandson Elmer apologised and ran away from home.

What's a grandmother to do?

The Feds busted 70-year-old Max Moss for running a moonshine still in the Chattahoochee National Forest. He could get five years prison.

In my opinion, he shouldn't be put in a prison. He should be put in a museum.

Delta Airlines lost two pieces of luggage Sunday on take-off from Chicago's Midway Airport when a cargo door opened in flight.

One bag was found less than a mile from the airport. The other is still missing.

Airlines lose about 14,000 bags every day. Most are lost on the ground.

You can get great travel bargains if you go in the off season.

It takes a $70,000 royalty to climb Mount Everest, but Nepal will give 75% off if you do it in the winter.

The last successful winter climb was in 1993, when the temperatures were only minus 55 degrees.

But hey, a bargain's a bargain.

Isn't it ironic.

The Cincinnati "Peace Bowl," a youth football tournament promoting non-violence, was halted after a fatal shooting.

And a peace concert in the Palestinian West Bank was called off after the organizers received death threats.

An Alabama high school student is dead after a shooting that broke out as a group of Prattville High students and a group from Wetumpka High argued over who has the best football team.

Four people are charged with murder, but authorities have still not determined which school has the best football team.

Semi-disgraced radio-host Don Imus is returning his act to television on the RFD-TV cable network.

RFD stands for Rural Free Delivery, as in Mayberry RFD.

Other shows on the channel include Cattlemen to Cattlemen and Horse Babies.

A correction --

A United Nations document reported on an unnamed Syrian diplomat saying that the Israeli missile strike in his country did hit a nuclear facility.

But the official Syrian Arab News Agency says the diplomat was misquoted, and in fact the missiles did not hit a nuclear facility.

Hey, anyone could make that mistake.

Quotation of the day:

"A word to the wise isn't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice."

-- Bill Cosby

A food-on-a-stick update.

I thought the Tulsa State Fair had pushed this idea as far as it could go.

I was wrong.

In the alleyways near the Forbidden City in Beijing, the outdoor food vendors are selling --

• butterflies on a stick.
• larva on a stick.
• snake eggs in a stick.
• ostrich egg in a stick.
• roast bat on a stick.

But, no corn dogs.

Here in Tulsa, Alfred Houston Johnson died just five days before he was to go on trial for shooting his girlfriend to death.

While in custody, Johnson was hospitalised with hepatitis C, cirrhosis of the liver, diabetes, an ulcer, hypertension and scabies.

Johnson's cause of death has not been determined.

Here in Oklahoma, it became legal this year to get yourself tattooed.

But in Oklahoma City, it's still illegal to tattoo a fish.

The City Council apparently believes it's just too cruel to tattoo a fish.

So when authorities found $1,700 worth of tattooed tropical fish at a pet business, they seized the fish and had them euthanized.

Which begs the question: Is it crueler to live tattooed, or not to live at all?

Archbishop Desmond Tutu has been dis-invited to speak at the University of St. Thomas in St. Paul, Minnesota, because Tutu has said some unkind things about Israel and the university didn't want to offend Jewish people.

Instead, he'll speak at Metropolitan State where there are, presumably, fewer Jews.

On the front page of the Tulsa World today is a photo of 10-year-old Emily Bevill kissing her pig -- his name is Freddie -- goodbye.

Emily raised the pig for the Junior Livestock Auction at the Tulsa State Fair, where he'll be sold for slaughter.

It's a sad story. And it's not one you'll find in The New York Times.

The 2008 presidential campaign is heating up and and the big issues of the day are Hillary's laugh, Obama's flag pin and, of course, Edward's hair.

Oh wait, there's also health care, taxes and a big war somewhere.

The New York State Police set up a drunken driving checkpoint upstate over the weekend and caught 22 illegal aliens.

The Mexicans and a Guatemalan were passengers on a bus. They were not drunk and they were not driving.

Is it Myanmar, or is it Burma?

In the news today --

• The New York Times called it Myanmar.
• USA Today called it Burma.
• The L.A. Times called it Myanmar.
• The Washington Post called it Burma.
• CNN called it Myanmar.
• The BBC called it Burma.

I don't remember such confusion since Peking became Beijing, or Yugoslavia became...

What do they call Yugoslavia now?

Isn't it ironic.

Four Red Cross workers, in Afghanistan to seek the release of six people who were kidnapped and held hostage by the Taliban, have been kidnapped and held hostage.

Two Tennessee Wildlife Wildlife Resources Agency officers are accused of illegally baiting and killing bears in the Smokey Mountain foothills of Chilhowee Mountain.

President George W. Bush, in New York City to promote his No Child Left Behind program, announced that "Childrens (sic) do learn when standards are high."

Isn't it ironic.

The Indiana state environmental department may fine the Lake County Sheriff's Department for violating environmental laws by drilling wells around a landfill to check for violations of environmental laws.

Kentucky's Alcoholic Beverage Control Board executive director was arrested for drunken driving with a blood alcohol content of .18.

And a Maryland volunteer firefighter firebombed the Havre De Grace library so he could put out the fire.

President George Bush addressed the United Nations General Assembly on Tuesday. He said, "In Cuba, the long rule of a cruel dictator is nearing its end."

The Cuban delegation walked out.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad also addressed the assembly. He accused the United States of major human rights violations.

The U.S. delegation walked out.

By the way, last Friday I was the master of ceremonies for the 20th annual awards banquet of the Tulsa chapter of the International Facility Management Association.

Nobody walked out.

The Supreme Court will decide on the constitutionality of the death penalty by lethal injection.

Lethal injection was invented right here in Oklahoma. We had it first. And the protocol invented in Oklahoma is the same three-drug cocktail still used in 37 other states:

• sodium thiopental to knock 'em out
• pancuronium bromide to paralyze 'em
• potassium chloride to stop the heart.

If the court rules against the injections, Oklahoma's backup execution method is the firing squad. The Supreme Court found that constitutional in 1878.

Coming to an airport near you: Behavior Detection Officers, trained by the Transportation Security Agency (TSA) to spot "suspicious people."

One of the techniques they'll be using is the Facial Action Coding System (FACS). They're taught, for example, that potentially dangerous people could have lowered eyebrows with a vertical furrow between, or raised eyebrows with a wrinkled forehead.

Just a warning. Be careful. And watch your face.

The Smithsonian today honored Jerry Merryman, the inventor of the handheld calculator. He invented it 40 years ago today. That would have been in...

Just a minute.

(2007-40=)

He invented it in 1967.

The State Fair is opening in Tulsa this weekend. Here are some of the new foods that will be there this year:

• Deep fried bacon and cheddar mashed potatoes on a stick.
• Cookie dough fondue on a stick with dipping sauce.
• Chocolate dipped cheesecake on a stick.
• Spam on a stick.
• Deep fried macaroni and cheese.
• Deep fried apples.
• Deep fried smores.
• Deep fried olives.
• Frozen hot chocolate, not fried, no stick.

(Tulsa World)

A new national survey finds that most Republicans believe most Democrats are more corrupt than most Republicans. And the same survey finds that most Democrats think most Republicans are more corrupt.

Imagine that.

U.S. Army snipers have been using bait to lure Iraqi insurgents to their death.

The snipers plant bomb-making materials out in the open to draw bomb-makers to the killing ground.

And when the Iraqis come to collect the materials -- bang, a bullet to the brain.

It reminds me of Oklahoma deer hunters who hide in trees and lure their prey with mechanical deer feeders.

American military officers, local leaders and former insurgents all sat down together at a Shiite mosque in Iraq's Diyala province for a friendship banquet.

The death toll was sixteen.

Seen on a T-shirt at the Islamic Society bazaar in the Rosemont convention center outside Chicago:

"Frisk me, I'm Muslim."

And now, germs in space.

Yes, NASA sent germs into space -- salmonella germs -- on the space shuttle. And when they returned to Earth they were 300% stronger -- three times deadlier -- than Earth germs.

I think I've seen this movie.

World famous French mime Marcel Marceau died yesterday.

He had no last words.

Even in a democracy, the majority is not always right.

Monday marked the 220th anniversary of the signing or the U.S. Constitution, this country's premiere legal document.

But what do we know about it?

A new poll by the First Amendment Center found that 55% of Americans believe the Constitution established the United States as a Christian nation.

55%! More than half! Most! A majority of Americans!

But can anybody show me where the Constitution mentions Christianity? Or even God?

Go ahead. I double-dog dare you.

In Ethiopia, the Christian Orthodox calendar is seven years behind our Gregorian calendar. That's why they celebrated the new millennium yesterday.

And today, the computers still work.

Not a lot of big acts make it to Tulsa.

Pavarotti did.

Luciano Pavarotti started his farewell tour here in 2005. After the tour he retired, never to perform again.

He died this week.

Frank Sinatra played here in 1994. After Tulsa he made only two more stops on his tour. After that he retired, never to perform again.

He died in 1998.

Enrico Caruso performed here in 1920. A few weeks later he started coughing up blood. He died of pneumonia eight weeks later. Legend has it that he caught the pneumonia in Oklahoma.

Tulsa is hard on singers. Or, at least, Italian ones.

(Thank you Tulsa World.)

Whose God would you vote for?

The Pew Research Center asked Americans if they would be less likely to vote for a --

• Mormon. 25% said "Yes."
• Muslim. 45% said "Yes."
• Atheist. 65% said "Yes."

So a Muslim beats an atheist, but a Mormon beats a Muslim.

It's 2007. Do you know where your children are?

Here in Tulsa this weekend, the Masons are rolling out their Child ID Program.

Dental assistant students from Platt College will take a tooth impression of your child and take a photo in the approved Amber Alert format.

Organizers point out that the dental impressions can help identify skeletal remains.

Imagine what a comfort this must be to the children.

"Darling, if we ever find your body in a ditch, mutilated and burned beyond recognition, we'll always have this tooth impression to identify you and this picture to remember you by."

The National Park Service has removed the port-o-johns from atop Mount Whitney -- and Mount Rainier -- and Zion National Park -- even the Grand Canyon.

In fact, they're removing all the wilderness outhouses from all the national parks and forests in the U.S.A.

Instead, rangers are handing out Wagbags for campers to carry their poop in.

What's a Wagbag? You don't want to know.

All you need to know is that the bear is still allowed to shit in the woods -- but not you.

The Chinese Tourist Bureau is trying to rid restaurant menus of "Chinglish," as in bad English.

But until they do, here are some translations for dishes actually found on Beijing menus.

• Virgin Chicken (a young chicken dish)
• Burnt Lion's Head (Chinese-style pork meatballs)
• The Temple Explodes the Chicken Cube (kung pao chicken)
• Steamed Crap (steamed carp)

The Xinhua News Agency says Chinglish menus "may cause misunderstanding on China's diet habits."

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

A sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food."

A three-legged dog walks into a bar and and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" And the grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Bob?"

A rabbi and a priest walk into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, is this some kind of joke?"

I've learned an important lesson from Senator Larry Craig, busted for hitting on a cop at Minneapolis-Saint Paul International.

And this is the lesson: Next time I'm in the airport men's room, sitting on the pot and waiting for my bowels to move, I must remember to never, ever ever tap my foot.

Here in Oklahoma, the Yukon United Methodist Church of the Good Shepard it throwing its annual Ooze Fest. Each year a crowd from the greater Oklahoma City area comes to wallow in a huge mud pit, followed by a hot dog cookout.

Admission is $4. T-shirts are $10. Proceeds benefit Youth Services missionary programs.

The youth praise team will lead a worship service.

This sounds more Woodstock than worship, but I'm sure it's good dirty fun.

It is said there are only two sure things in life.

Leona Helmsley is two for two.

Leona died on Monday. She once famously said, "Only the little people pay taxes."

That was before she was convicted of income tax evasion.

Leona is buried at Sleepy Hollow Cemetery in New York. She's in a great neighborhood. Washington Irving, Andrew Carnegie and Brooke Astor are also there.

She and her late husband are in a 1,300 square foot mausoleum. That's bigger than the houses that many people live in.

Especially the little people.

The gun show was in Tulsa over the weekend. My favorite gun there was a child-size .22 caliber single shot bolt action rifle. It came in assorted colors, including pink. And you could get a marching soft gun case case that read, in embroidery, "My first rifle."

I wish I'd had one of these when I was a kid. Not in pink, though.

Future ex-presidential advisor Karl Rove made the rounds of the TV talk shows last Sunday. Here's some of what he had to say.

On NBC's "Meet the Press," David Gregory asked about the downward slide of the Republican party.

Karl: "Well, look, everyone who identifies with the Republican Party ought to, ought to, ought to feel some responsibility." (But it wasn't specifically his fault.)

David: "Why did you push to fire some U.S. attorneys in the president's second term?"

Karl: "I know you don't understand you're being an agent of Congress when you ask me that question. But you are." (And it wasn't his fault.)

David asked if Rove owed Valerie Wilson an apology for outing her as a C.I.A. agent.

Karl: "No." (It wasn't his fault.)

Chris Wallace on "Fox News Sunday" asked why in the world Rove would do a rap act as "M.C. Rove" at the White House Correspondents' Association dinner in March.

Karl: "They dragged me up there." (It wasn't his fault).

On "Face the Nation, CBS's Bob Schieffer asked why Rove was even subjecting himself to the Sunday morning TV talk shows.

Karl: "Somebody else made the decision for me. I'm just doing what I was instructed to do." (It wasn't his fault.)

School is back in session here and I'm driving the darlings to class again.

As we like to say in the school bus biz, "The future of America rides on my bus."

I've seen the future, and America is in deep trouble.

Six Italians were shot to death in Germany, a result of a feud between two Italian crime families that began, police say, when members of one family threw eggs at the other at a Carnival celebration.

Sure, food fights are fun until it gets out of hand and someone gets hurt.

Yakov Semichan is the owner and barber at Al's Barbershop on Coney Island Avenue in Brooklyn, New York. Zufigar Ali Kahn is the other barber. Yakov is a Russian Jew. Zufigar is a Pakistani Muslim. Signs in the shop window are in more than one language. One sign says, "We speak English, Russian, Yiddish and Urdu."

What a country!

I mean Brooklyn.

West Virginia University is number one on The Princeton's Review's annual list of the top 20 party schools.

Locally, Oral Roberts University has again this year failed to make the list.

A headline from today's CNN website:

"Bears eat man at beer festival."

'Nuff said.

Edna Parker of Indiana is the newest oldest person in the world. She is 114.

She succeeds Yone Mingawa of Japan who died last Monday. Yone was also 114.

Yone was preceded by Emme Faust Tillman of the United states, who also died at 114.

I'm seeing a pattern here, and I'm not understanding it.

Sorry I haven't posted lately. I've been vacationing in Buenos Aires, Argentina with mi marida.

We ate, we drank, we explored the city. We nursed coffees in cafes and watched the people-parade outside.

We befriended stray dogs and petted strange cats.

And we shopped.

We shopped in Argentina. We shopped in Uruguay. We shopped on the boat between Argentina and Uruguay, coming and going.

My wife says shopping is the best way to learn a country's culture and customs.

There are cats in Argentina's Recoleta Cemetery. Live ones.

They lurk among the magnificent mausoleums and sun themselves among the tourists. Some are friendly. When I petted a grey tabby, three tuxedo cats came to compete for my affection. And later, a long-haired calico crawled into my lap and purred madly.

Caretakers feed the cats daily. As of 3 August, 2007, there were 61-cats. Most of them have names. When a new cat shows up it is neutered and released into the population. They receive medical attention as needed.

The cats are well cared for. As they should be.

The Buenos Aires Herald reported last week that 80-year old Juan Sandor was found alive, in a body bag, on the way to a Buenos Aires morgue.

Days later, 3-hour old Brisa Milagros was found alive in a Buenos Aires morgue when a doctor heard her cry.

Then there's 19-year-old Rufina Cambaceres, buried in Recoleta Cemetery May 31st, 1902. Legend has it that a few days later workers heard screams from the tomb. By the time they got to her she was dead, but there were scratches on the coffin lid from trying to escape.

Hey, it could have happened.

Mothers' Day would come, and then Fathers' Day, and I'd ask my father, "When is Children's Day?"

And he would say, "Every day is Children's Day."

That answer never satisfied me.

But Argentina has a Children's Day. This year it was 12August. It's celebrated every year.

As it should be.

Mexico has a Chihuahua shortage.

Mexicans love their Chihuahuas but they have to import them from from the U.S.

Mexico also imports poinsettias from the U.S., chili peppers from China and burros from Kentucky.

So what does Mexico export? People!

(And as a third-generation citizen, I say "Welcome to the U.S.A.")

I've taken my first bribe.

OK, I eagerly solicited it. Fantasy & Science Fiction magazine offered a free copy to people who would blog about it.

When I was a kid there were a lot of these little science fiction magazines at the newsstand and candy store on the corner. I'd check there each month for the latest by Isaac Asimov, Arthur Clarke, Robert Heinlein and other authors whose names I forget but whose stories I still remember.

I had no idea any of these magazines still existed. The August issue of F&SF contains no Asimov, Clarke or Heinlein. But there is the story "Envoy Extraordinary" by Albert E. Cowdrey that reminds me of Robert Sheckley. And "If We Can Save Just One Child" by Robert Reed reminds me of no one I've read before, but it's the best SF short I've read in a long time.

Now if I could just find a corner newsstand and candy store.

A report on an outpost of religion: South Korea.

Koreans are a religious people. Most of them follow Buddhism, Confucianism or Christianity. Many follow all three.

Give or take, there are 300,000 shamans in South Korea. They pray to 10,000 Gods. They pray to Jesus, the Virgin Mary and Park Chung-Hee.

Some have been known to worship General Douglas MacArthur, praying before his statue in the city of Inchon.

Shamans have channelled MacArthur, donning sunglasses and puffing on a pipe.

I know, you're thinking "Those nutty foreigners." So am I. But let's be fair. When the Old Testament God carved the ten commandments, He said "I am the Lord your God. You shall have no other Gods before me." So He didn't say he was the only God, just that He was the big one.

And if there can be one God, then why not 10,000? And why can't one of them be General MacArthur?

Let's look at the presidential race so far by the metric that most matters: money.

Barak Obama has raised the most money, followed by Hillary Clinton.

Mitt Romney has spent the most, followed John McCain.

Barak Obama has the most cash on hand, followed by Hillary Clinton.

Barak Obama has spent the most on pizza, followed by Fred Thompson.

John McCain has spent the most on coffee, followed by Barak Obama.

Barak Obama has spent the most on Starbucks coffee. McCain prefers Dunkin Donuts.

Hillary Clinton has spent the most on furniture. That is so like a woman.

(Rudolph Giuliani reports spending only about $100 on furniture. That is so like a man.)

(The New York Times, from the Federal Election Commission and the campaigns.)

Religion, or irony?

For centuries hundreds of thousands of Hindu pilgrims came to the Kashmiri mountain shrine to worship at the 12 foot tall stalagmite. It was made of ice and they believed it was an incarnation of the Lord Shiva, the Hindu God of regeneration and destruction.

But over the many years the body heat of so many faithful began to melt the stalagmite until recently, in the early years of the 21st century, it disappeared. It's gone.

It's a miracle.

For sale in Idaho, the "Survivalist Home"

The home was built in 1998 to survive a nuclear attack. It has a concrete-encased bedroom, water tank, and Department of Energy guide to Nuclear War Survival Skills.

It may be the last house you'll ever need.

(USA Today)

Here's an exercise in mathematics.

Iowa hired a consultant to save the state money.

The consultant found $2.9 million in savings.

The consultant cost $3.4 million.

That saved the state a negative half million.

Manchester, New Hampshire Republicans are holding a fundraiser next month at the shooting range.

Organizers say there will be M16s and Uzis for all.

Rabbi Sherwin Wine is my new hero.

He died last Saturday. I just found out about him. The rabbi was a Jewish atheist.

Wine taught that there was no reason to believe in God. But he did believe in upholding Jewish ethical traditions and values.

In 1965 he told The New York Times that the existence of God required "empirical criteria," and said in Time magazine, "I find no adequate reason to accept the existence of a supreme person."

He told The San Diego Jewish Journal, "The message of the Holocaust is that there isn't any magic power."

In 1969 he founded the Society for Humanistic Judaism. He established the Birmingham Temple near Detroit. Today it's in Farmington Hills. Today there are 30 affiliated congregations with 10,000 members in the U.S. and Canada. They hold regular services.

God knows who they pray to.

Or not.

(The New York Times)

Man bites dog!

The American Civil Liberties Union is defending the right of a Kentucky man to carry a concealed handgun.

Take that, NRA.

In Ohio, it's the flesh follies.

Citizens for Community Values is in favor of new restrictions on strip clubs.

Citizens for Community Standards is against the restrictions.

Citizens for Community Values is threatening to sue Citizens for Community Standards over the similar name.

But for now you've got your choice: standards or values.

Here are some yuks from the presidential candidates.

Hillary Clinton, at a forum on faith --
Q: What do you pray for?
A: "Oh Lord, why can't you help me lose weight."

Mike Huckabee, at a debate --
Q: How long did God take to create the world?
A: "I don't know. I wasn't there."

Barak Obama, on deciding to run --
"I did what I often do when I'm confronted with a difficult decision. I prayed on it. Amen. And then I asked my wife. Amen. And, after consulting these two higher powers..."

Mitt and Ann Romney, on the stump --
Mitt: "Ann, did you ever in your wildest dreams think I'd be here?"
Ann: "Mitt, you weren't IN my wildest dreams."

Mitt Romney, Mormon, at a St. Patrick's Day breakfast in 2005 --
"I believe marriage should be between a man and a woman ... and a woman ... and a woman."

Jay Leno, on the Tonight Show, asked John Edwards why he and Elizabeth ate at Wendy's on their wedding anniversary.
A: "You can't spend money on food when you're spending money on haircuts."

Homer Huckabee, at an MSNBC debate --

"We've had a Congress that's spent money like John Edwards at a beauty shop."

John McCain, on his campaign troubles --
"In the words of Chairman Mao, 'It's always darkest before it's totally black."

Rudy Guiliani at a CNN debate after lightning momentarily knocked out his microphone while he was answering a question about his differences with Catholic Bishops --
"For someone who went to parochial school his whole life, this is a very frightening thing."

John Edwards, at the You Tube debate, asked to name something he doesn't like about Hillary Clinton --
"I'm not sure about that coat."

Joe Biden, asked what he liked about Dennis Kucinich --
"Dennis, the thing I like best about you is your wife."

Bada-boom.

(USA Today)

Marc's True News is the only known media outlet in the free world that does not provide coverage of Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan.

I deeply and sincerely regret my earlier post on Paris Hilton. It won't happen again.

Kurdish gangs roam the streets, breaking into homes, killing, raping, beating people, even vandalising a mosque.

Not Iraq. Nashville.

Welcome to America.

The video-game wars are heating up.

From the U.S. there's the "Assault on Iran" game in which the player has to attack an Iranian nuclear facility and capture the Iranian scientists.

And now from Iran there's the "Rescue the Nuke Scientist" game in which the player has to invade secret American prisons in Iraq and Israel to retrieve the scientists.

I think I like these video game wars. No one gets killed, everyone can play again.

Don't take that bomb through security!

Just deposit it in one of the convenient bomb bins, like the ones at the Houston airports. Or hand it to the friendly TSA guy, and he'll deposit it for you.

The bins look a lot like regular trash cans, only they're blast-proof. Plus, they're on wheels!

Flying has never been easier!

In a strange twist of fate, Poland is having a Jewish revival. Suddenly, all things Jewish are hip and cool. The only thing missing is all the Jews.

During World War Two, even before Poland was invaded -- just on word that the Germans were coming -- Poles began gleefully killing their Jewish neighbors. The Nazi death camps found friendly territory in Poland. Post war, anti-Jewish pogroms continued the killing. And in 1968, an anti-Jewish purge drove most of the remaining Jews into exile.

Before the war there were 3.5 million Jews in Poland -- about 10% of the total population. Three million Polish Jews died in the holocaust. Others escaped. Today only about 10,000 Poles admit to being Jewish.

Before the war there were 70,000 Jews in Krakow. Today there are fewer than 300.

But today Jewish things are all the rage. Poles sing Jewish songs, dance Jewish dances and eat Jewish food. Klezmer bands play in the streets. Poles celebrate Passover, Hanukkah and Purim -- anytime they want. Krakow merchants have recreated the old Jewish ghetto, hanging Jewish signs on their shops. Tourists buy souvenir menorahs and carved wood figures of orthodox Jews.

Jewish festivals are held every year in Krakow, Warsaw, Wroclaw and Tarnow. The one in Krakow drew 20,000 people this year.

The only thing missing is -- the Jews.

High schoolers are having less sex these days than in times past.

Kids today are such slackers.

God knows that I had no sex when I was in high school, but at least I aspired to it.

The National Center for Health Statistics also reports that more mommies and daddies are reading to their young children.

And that's a good thing.

Now we've pissed off the Brazilians.

The Pan American Games are getting underway in Rio De Janeiro. And somebody wrote on the message board at the U.S. media center, "Welcome to the Congo."

A press aide says it was just a reference to the heat wave, but Brazilians aren't buying that. They're still getting over the Simpson's episode that showed a Rio full of wild animals, criminals and sexpots.

And who can forget when President Ronald Reagan visited Brasilia and offered a toast to "the people of Bolivia."

As one writer put it in a letter in the O Globo newspaper, "Go back home! You're not welcome here, or in the Congo either."

Anyone voting for sticky rice?

It seems in the last presidential election Boston poll workers may have been mismarking the ballots of Asian voters who didn't know English. So this time the U.S. Justice Department is ordering Boston to print Chinese ballots in some precincts.

The trouble is, Chinese language is not phonetic. Each character represents a word, not a sound. So names have to be transliterated. That's where you use Chinese characters representing words whose sounds are pronounced like the syllables of the name.

With me so far?

But when you translate what you transliterate, the result is pretty weird. Here's how some candidate names come out.

Barak Obama: Oh Intellectual Overcome Profound Oh Gemstone
Mitt Romney: Sticky Rice Clear Nun
Fred Thompson: Fortune Virtue Soup
Tommy Thompson: Beautiful Soup
Hillary Clinton: Upset Stomach

And it gets worse. China has more than one language, and those languages have dialects. So while in Mandarin Obama may be "Profound Oh Gemstone," in Cantonese it comes out "Oh Bus Horse." Or read differently, "Europe Pulling Horse."

It's all in the translation.

This just in: The most recent New York Times/CBS News poll shows Dick Cheney as the most unpopular U.S. vice president in recent history. Dan Quayle was number two.

But George W. Bush is not the most unpopular president. That was Harry S Truman.

Bush is number two. He'll have to try harder.

The running of the bulls continues in Pamplona, Spain. The toll: seven runners trampled and two gored.

So far, the bulls are winning.

In Auburn, Indiana, zoning regulations prohibit bars and liquor stores within 200 feet of a church.

Many towns have regulations like this, and many a bar has been denied a building permit because it would be too close to a church.

But in Auburn, we have a bit of man-bites-dog.

The Dayspring Community Church wanted to built within 200 feet of a strip mall where there are businesses that may sell alcohol.

So the city denied the church a permit.

As it should have.

When is the American revolution like the Iraqi civil war? When our president says it is.

On the 4th of July President George Bush addressed the 167th Airlift Wing of the Air National Guard in an aircraft hangar in Martinsburg, West Virginia. He said, "Our first Independence Day celebration took place in the midst of a war -- a bloody and difficult struggle that would not end for six more years before America finally secured her freedom."

He pointed out that our current war on terror has been going on for six years, if you count it from the American invasion of Afghanistan.

Actually, the comparison would be more apt if, when the French landed on this shore to win our Revolutionary War, we had responded by killing them with improvised explosive devices.

There is a movement on in this country to allow the insane to vote.

36 states bar voting by the mentally incompetent. Activists want to extend suffrage to the legally or criminally insane, or just demented. The American Bar Association agrees.

A federal court in Maine has ruled in favor of the mentally ill. There are lawsuits pending in Rhode Island and Missouri. New Jersey may hold a referendum to allow "idiots or insane persons" to vote. (However, idiots or insane persons would not be allowed to vote on the referendum itself.)

You don't have to be crazy to vote in America, but it doesn't hurt.

Firstborns have higher IQ scores than their siblings. That was the finding of a study that made headlines everywhere. But what the articles didn't mention was that the study surveyed Norwegians, and only Norwegian men at that.

So unless your big brother was born in Norway, you may still have an edge. And you could have it all over your older sister.

Remember Lisa Nowak, the astronaut who reportedly wore diapers and drove 960-miles to be charged with burglary, and the attempted kidnapping, battery and assault of her love rival?

Well, her lawyer says it's not true. He says she didn't wear diapers.

A nine-year-old Maryland boy who stuffed a lit sparkler in his pants pocket the other day has been hospitalised for extreme stupidity.

He'll live, to regret it.

Louisville, Kentucky, hosted the National Senior Olympic Games last week. The results: two cardiac arrests.

Guantanamo detainees are slowly receiving status hearings to determine whether they stay in jail or go free.

The hearings are held in secret, no defense lawyers are allowed, and the detainees can't see the evidence against them.

But even more bizarre, if the Pentagon brass does not like the verdict, they can have the hearing done over. Some detainees have had as many as three hearings before the tribunal finally got it right and declared them enemy combatants.

Try once and if you don't indict...

Cars are getting way too complicated.

The owner's manual for the Lexus LS 600h I is 684 pages. It comes with an additional 339 page manual for the navigation system and a 74 page quick start guide.

The Mercedes GL has a 584 page owner's manual, 240 page book for the electronic control system and a 44 page warranty book. Additional service and product guides, and a quick start manual, bring the page count to 983.

Even the lowly Kia Rio has 256 pages of instructions.

This is really scary when you consider that the flight manual for the Cessna 172 I used to fly had only 73 pages.

Islamic leaders in the Detroit area have signed a peace agreement to halt acts of violence between local Sunni and Shiite.

If Sunni and Shiite can make peace in Michigan, then why not in Baghdad?

Christopher Anderson, in his new book After Diana: William, Harry, Charles and the Royal House of Windsor, writes that Prince Harry may not really be the son of Prince Charles, but the product of an affair between Princess Diana and her lover James Hewitt.

Chris says he wrote this book about Diana to "defend her honor."

But Majesty magazine editor Ingrid Seward leaps to the prince's defense saying, "It's so obvious when you see Harry. He is the spitting image of (grandpa) Philip. His close-set eyes are a Windsor trait."

It seems to me that the royals could use fewer defenders.

Both Pepsi-Cola and Coca-Cola have announced an agreement to halt all animal testing of their products. Now beasts that want a soda-pop will have to buy it, just like the rest of us.

The Georgia State Board of Regents is requiring all incoming college freshman to take a writing and reading test to insure that all Georgia college students actually know how to read and write.

Rogers County, Oklahoma, commissioners wanted to make English the official language of the county.

But they tabled the proposal when local Cherokee Indians pointed out that their tribal language was spoken in this country long before English.

Now a member of the Cherokee Nation Tribal Council wants all county buildings to have signs in both English and Cherokee.

So there.

Saturday was Queen Elizabeth II of England's official birthday.

Her original birthday was April 21, but she moved it to June 16. She's the queen, she can do that.

Elizabeth celebrated with a parade featuring more than a thousand troops accompanied by a flyby of military aircraft. There were thousands of cheering tourists.

It's good to be queen.

Delcambre, Louisiana, has a dress code. The town council has banned saggy pants. If your droopy drawers reveal any underwear or buttocks, it's a $500 fine or six months in jail.

Now if only they'd just ban stretch-pants on fat ladies, tank tops on hairy men and eyebrow-rings on anybody.

Some citizens of Gaza, sick of civil war, held a peace march yesterday.

The toll is two dead, 14 wounded.

Los Alamos National Laboratory can't account for 38-drums of radioactive waste. So check your neighborhood, your yard, under the bed. It has to be somewhere.

Paris Hilton, busted for driving with a suspended license while on probation for driving with a suspended license, is in the slammer for 23 days for serial stupidity.

Paris says this has "completely changed" her life. "I have had a lot of time to think and to reflect on my life and realize what is most important."

And she said that BEFORE she went to jail.

The FBI says five terrorists who plotted to blow up JFK airport thought that the government informant who busted them was sent by God to help them.

Bad call.

Some stone markers that mark the border of South Dakota are missing. Parts of the South Dakota border have turned up in people's yards and small town museums. Officials are asking people to please return South Dakota's border. The South Dakota State Historical Society reminds you that possessing any part of the border is a federal crime.

The first person on record to survive rabies without vaccination, after she picked up a rabid bat by the wings in 2004, says she plans to study zoology at Marion College where she will, presumably, be taught not to pick up a rabid bat by its wings.

A warning to Tulsans... don't answer your doors this weekend.

The Jehovah's Witnesses are having a convention here this weekend. There will be thousands of them... all pumped up with religious fervor and copies of The Watchtower.

China is scrapping plans for a high speed train route because residents are afraid that the train is radioactive.

It's a demon haunted world.