THE WOMAN MADE HIM DO IT

Sirhan Sirhan, convicted of assassinating Robert Kennedy before a roomful of witnesses, has finally explained what happened that day in 1968.

In new legal papers his lawyers have filed in court, Sirhan says a woman in a polka-dot dress used mind control on him. Besides, Sirhan says, none of his bullets killed Kennedy; he was just a diversion for the real shooter.

So, then, I guess that explains it.

AND TWO CAKES, TWO CHOIRS, ONE WEDDING RING, A ROLLS, A BENTLEY, AN ORGANIST...

Today is the long awaited wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton, featuring:

• 2 billion (estimated) TV viewers.
• 10,000 canapes
• 7,000 reporters.
• 1,900 wedding guests.
• 650 reception guests.
• 300 dinner/dance guests.
• 200 horses with soldiers
• 18 royal horses.
• 8 members of the bridal party.
• 7 RAF aircraft in a fly-by.
• 5 horse-drawn carriages.
• 2 trumpet fanfare teams.
• 1 official harpist.
• And a partridge in a pear tree.

(I'm just kidding about that last one. But you never know.)

WEIGHTY MEASURE or WHO MOVED MY MILLIGRAMS

A pound just isn't what it used to be.

A pound, by definition, is .453597 kilograms.

And a kilo, by definition, is the weight of a cylinder of 90% platinum and 10% iridium standing 1.54212598 inches high and 1.54212598 in diameter. 

The official International Prototype kilo cylinder is in a triple-locked vault at the International Bureau of Weights and Measures in Sevres, France. But there's a problem. The official cylinder now weighs 50 milligrams less than the unofficial cylinders stored in the same vault.

What happened to the missing milligrams? Barring theories of alien abduction and mass dilation, no one knows.

The official international standards for length, volume and time remain unchanged. 

WILL THE WORST PRESIDENT IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNITED STATES PLEASE STAND UP

"I think Bush is probably the worst president in the history of the United States."

-- Donald Trump, on CNN's "Situation Room," with host Wolfe Blitzer


"I always said the worst president was Jimmy Carter, guess what? Jimmy Carter goes to second place. Barack Obama has been the worst president ever [in] the history of this country."

-- Donald Trump to Sean Hannity on FOX News.

MAN BARKS DOG

A Mason, Ohio man is charged with barking at a police dog.

Defendant Ryan Stephens calls it a free speech issue.

(Or a "free bark" issue.)

Besides, Ryan says, the dog started it.

Police say alcohol was involved.

The maximum penalty for this second degree misdemeanor is a $750 fine and 90 days in jail.

That would be 13 days in dog years.

QUOTATION OF THE DAY

"If this is Monday, the House is repealing health care."

-- Evan Tracey of the Campaign Media Analysis Group.

The U.S. House of Representatives has voted 15 times to repeal last year's health care legislation, so far unsuccessfully.  

ASK THE POPE

QUESTION: Why is Easter so late this year?

ANSWER: Easter falls on the first Sunday after the full moon after the vernal equinox.

For Church purposes, the vernal equinox is defined as March 21st on the Gregorian calendar, regardless of when the astronomical equinox occurs.

For church purposes, the full moon is defined as the 14th day of the month on the Jewish calendar, regardless of when the actual full moon occurs.

The latest Easter can be is April 25th. That happened in 1943, it won't happen again until 2038.


QUESTION: When is Christmas this year?

ANSWER: December 25th.

GETTING INTIMATE WITH THE TSA

I got felt up on my way to Chicago. The airport security man touched me everywhere. But I can't complain.

No, really. I can't complain.

The latest TSA guidelines for screeners say if you complain, you could be a terrorist.

A legal counsel for the ACLU explains it this way. "It's circular reasoning where, you know, I'm going to ask someone to 'surrender their rights; if they refuse, that's evidence that I need to take their rights away from them. And it's simply inappropriate."

That having been said, the general rule should be to never piss off someone who can give you a forcible cavity search.

DEMOCRACY IN ACTION

Today is election day in Nigeria.

The death toll is 12.

THE MOST KNOWLEDGEABLE PERSON ABOUT AFRICA SPEAKS

Ivory Coast President Laurent Gbagbo lost re-election but has retained his office by the simple expedient of refusing to admit defeat. So far his strategy is working, although it's led to hundreds of deaths and possibly a civil war.

The United Nations says the election was fair; Gbagbo lost and must step down.

The African Union says the election was fair; Gbagbo lost and must step down.

The U.S. State Department says the election was fair; Gbagbo lost and must step down.

Oklahoman U.S. Senator James Inhofe disagrees.

Inhofe, who has visited Ivory Coast and knows Gbagbo personally, says the president didn't lose the election. Inhofe says the election was fraudulent and should be done over. Inhofe says, "I am probably the most knowledgeable person about Africa in the U.S. Senate."

And he should know. He's James Inhofe.

PEASANTS ARE REVOLTING

Last year median CEO pay rose 27 per-cent.

During that same period, their employees' pay rose 2.1 per-cent.

It's time for the peasants to revolt.