NOT THIS TIME

The annual re-creation of George Washington's Crossing of the Delaware was cancelled this year due to weather. The Hessians won and New Jersey remains a British colony to this day.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL

Spending Christmas with my family, or my wife's family, in Salt Lake City, Utah. It's beautiful up here, in the high valley, surrounded by snow capped mountains and driving on snow capped roads.

We're with Rosie's kids, spouses, and grandkids. Everybody's wonderful, and I'm sinking into a relaxed glad-to-be-on-vacation feeling.

And then, the gifts. A gyroscopic exercise ball from Justin and Beth, tool kit from Chad and Adrienne, ABBA CD from Zack and Lydia (surely at the suggestion of my wife) and a wonderful little camera from my wife.

It's wonderful because, first of all, it's from my wife. Also, it's a Canon. A Canon A590. It uses regular AA batteries so I never run out of power. And it's got an eye level optical viewfinder so you hold your face right up to the camera as surely the Good Lord, in her wisdom, intended. I've been running it in the aperture priority mode, trying to coax a little less depth of field from this little thing.

For my wife: A bathrobe, space heater for her bathroom, bowl mixer, flaming night lights, wooden spoons, salad scissors/choppers and a traveling pepper grinder,

For step grandson: army camo shoulder bag, whistle, para cord, tool man, NATO mess utensils kit, compass,

For my step granddaughter: storage clipboard with art supplies and big pad, and a big stack of coloring books.

For Stepson: a bag of really strong un-ground coffee.

For Stepdaughterinlaw: a nautical sweatshirt hoodie thing.

For Stepdaughter: a deluxe garlic press, and garlic.

For stepsoninlaw: a household battery storage rack, with batteries.

And someone got me beef jerky, but I forget who.

Granddaughter and daughter-in-law played with Barbies in the afternoon. Zack came by with his Harrison Ford action figure and joined the game. He and Indiana Jones beat up all the Barbies and then left. The Barbies resumed the game where they'd left off.

The big blizzards in the forecast didn't come but it's snowing a little and looks pretty. And there are three more nights of Hanukkah.

And to all, a good night.

OH THE IRONY

Here in Tulsa, Jermaine Nickerson, 29, was shot dead, once in the head, in the parking lot of the Windsong Apartments, following an argument.

Nickerson used to run with a rough crowd; in 2001 he pled out some burglaries for a four year sentence. And since then he'd returned to his upbringing and become a devout Christian. He ministered some.

His family says that his final argument was about religion.

TO INFINITY AND BEYOND

"The Day the Earth Stood Still" is coming to a solar system near you.

Deep Space Communications Network will beam the Keanu Reeves remake of the movie to Alpha Centauri, a triple star system with no known planets.

The signal will take about four years to reach Alpha Centauri. By that time, the movie should also be on HBO.

It is not known if extraterrestrial beings actually exist. And if they they do, it is not known if they look like Keanu Reeves.

CORECTION

From the New York Times --

"An article last Sunday about

the film adaptation of the novel

'The Reader' misspelled the

German expression that means

coming to terms with the past. It is

Vergangenheitsbewältigung, not

Vergangenheitsbewaltigung."

STILL VOTING

Today is election day.

Electors in every state will cast their votes today for president of the United States.

There are 538 electors. Barack Obama will need at least 270 votes to become president.

Congress will count the votes on January 8th. I'll keep you informed.

LAW AND ORDER: TULSA

Be careful what you ask for.

A Tulsa jury found double murderer Victor Cornell Miller guilty and sentenced him to death plus life without parole. He asked for a new trial, and he got it.

So the new jury sentenced him to two death sentences.

Still, Miller may have some out ahead. That second death sentence should be a lot easier to serve than the first one.

***

A Tulsa judge has ruled that accused multiple child molester, rapist, robber and kidnapper Brandon Wayne Brixey is not competent to stand trial at this time.

Brixey's in the nuthouse for now, but his lawyer says that if the client becomes sane enough to stand trial he'll plead "not guilty by reason of insanity."

HAVE A MERRY OBAMA CHRISTMAS

Give the Obamamaniacs on your list a totally Obama Christmas.

• Obama Christmas cards, an eight pack from CafePress.com:$10.99
• Obama Christmas tree ornaments, from CafePress.com: $8.99
• Obama coffee, a blend of Kenyan, Hawaiian and Indonesian, from Longfellow Coffee: a pound for $14.65
• Obama wineglasses, from ObamaZen.com
• Women's pajamas with a picture of Obama on the front over the text "The other man I love," from ObamaZen.com: $39.00
• An Obama mantel clock that says, "It's Obama time," from ObamaZen.com: $45
• The Obama doggie set with a bowl, collar and doggie t-shirt that says, "Me and Obama are bad to the bone," from ObamaZen.com: $34.95
• A life size Obama cardboard standup, from IncredibleGifts.com: $30.88
• Obama's old U.S. Senate seat, from Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich: priceless

NO SMILING, WE'RE INDIANANS

Here are the new rules for driver license photos in Indiana:

• No glasses.
• No hats.
• No smiling.

Remember, driving is a serious business.

CONFESS YOUR VOTE!

You must confess your vote or face eternal damnation.

Roman Catholic Priest Joseph Illo of Saint Joseph's Church in Modesto, California says that if you voted for Barack Obama you must confess your sin before taking communion. He says voting for a pro-choice candidate is a mortal sin. But the priest says he can for remove your sin for a few Our Fathers or Hail Marys, or whatever a Democratic vote goes for these days.

This only applies to Catholics. If you're Jewish, for example, you may continue to vote for Democrats without informing your rabbi.

ENLIGHTENMENT ADVANCES TO THE REAR

The Oklahoma State House is introducing Bill 1001, the Religious Viewpoints Anti-Discrimination Act. Among other things, it would exempt students from assignments that violate their religious beliefs.

Got biology? No way! All species were created at one time, 6000 years ago, by a supreme being.

Got geography? Forget it! The Earth is flat and the sky is held up by four pillars.

Got math? Uh-uh! Two and two is five. God told me so.

A CHRISTMAS CRUSH

We have our first Christmas shopping fatality.

A Wal-Mart greeter was trampled to death at a Long Island, New York store. It happened at 5am on Black Friday.

A crowd of 2000 was waiting to get in. People in the back began pushing, those in front broke down the door, and they all began shopping, flatting the greeter in the rush.

Hard to believe, I know, but there was a Samsung 50-inch Plasma HDTV on sale for $798.

And they don't call these door buster sales for nothing.

More Christmas shopping fatalities.

There was a shootout at the Toys-R-Us in Palm Desert, California. Two shoppers are dead.

An argument broke out between what police describe as two rival groups of shoppers. Shots followed.

A TRUE NEWS RERUN

So it's Thanksgiving, and we celebrate that first meal when the pilgrims from the Mayflower sat down in Plymouth with the Indians to give thanks.

Wait, not so fast.Virginia claims that Jamestown, the new world's first permanent English settlement, was the scene of that first Thanksgiving dinner, thirteen years before the Mayflower landed.

Wait, not so fast. Florida has staked a claim for the first Thanksgiving. The Spanish explorer Pedro Menendez de Aviles and his crew sat down with the Timucua Indians for the feast of St. Augustine, in what is now the town of St. Augustine, 56 years before the Mayflower. The Nombre de Dios Mission founded by Menendez still stands there, the site of the first permanent settlement in America. That means the first Thanksgiving, that uniquely American holiday, was in Spanish.

Take that, Lou Dobbs.

And about that Plymouth rock thing. That's not true either.

Like George Washington's cherry tree and Betsy Ross's flag, the Plymouth Rock story is another bit of invented history.

In none of the writings of the pilgrims is there any mention of Plymouth Rock. The story of how the pilgrims landed there on the Mayflower didn't pop up until 120 years after the event, told by an old man who said he heard it from his father. There was no other supporting evidence.

And the stone known as Plymouth Rock is only a shadow of its former self -- one third of its former self, actually, after centuries of souvenir hunters chipping pieces off it.

Coming up later -- the truth about Santa Claus.

SOME MODEST PROPOSALS

A modest proposal:

The problem is that a lot of Oklahomans don't have health insurance. So the state insurance commissioner has a proposal. Punish the uninsured. Take away their driver's licenses and season football tickets.

Might work. Oklahomans know you don't really need a license to drive. But football tickets? Gotta' have 'em.

Another modest proposal:

The Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, cops want to get outstanding burglary suspects off the streets for the holidays. So here's the deal. If you turn one in by Thanksgiving you get a $25 grocery gift card.

Nab a burglar, get a turkey. Just might work.

Yet another modest proposal:

Nebraska has changed its safe haven law. The law allowed parents to abandon their children at any hospital without fear of recrimination. The law was intended to protect newborns. But a lot of parents were dropping off their teenagers, even traveling across the country to do it.

And I can understand that. I know some teenagers.

The new law limits the dumping age to 30-days. And I think that's wrong. I think the age should be raised to adulthood.

What about that 20-something who just won't move out of the house? Dump his ass at the hospital.

Or that 30-something who's moved back home and expects you to do his laundry? Say you're taking him in for a checkup. And leave him there.

But hey, that's just my opinion.

GOD GOES TO COURT

The U.S. Supreme Court is judging religion again.

In PioneerPark, in Pleasant Grove, Utah, stands a monument of the Ten Commandments. Now the Church of Summum wants to erect its own monument of the Seven Aphorisms, which they say God handed down to Moses even before the Ten Commandments. The town says"no." And so we go to court.

Summum may have a case. In 1996 the court ruled that on the Ohio capitol grounds, where there was already a Christmas tree and a Menorah, the state had to allow a cross, even though the cross was sponsored by the Ku Klux Klan.

Here are the Seven Aphorisms of Summum:

• I. THE PRINCIPLE OF PSYCHOKINESIS: SUMMUM is MIND, thought; the universe is a mental creation.
  
• II. THE PRINCIPLE OF CORRESPONDENCE: As above, so below; as below, so above.
  
• III. THE PRINCIPLE OF VIBRATION: Nothing rests; everything moves; everything vibrates.
  
• IV. THE PRINCIPLE OF OPPOSITION: Everything is dual; everything has an opposing point; everything has its pair of opposites; like and unlike are the same; opposites are identical in nature, but different in degree; extremes bond; all truths are but partial truths; all paradoxes may be reconciled.
  
• V. THE PRINCIPLE OF RHYTHM: Everything flows out and in; everything has its season; all things rise and fall; the pendulum swing expresses itself in everything; the measure of the swing to the right is the measure of the swing to the left; rhythm compensates.
  
• VI. THE PRINCIPLE OF CAUSE AND EFFECT: Every cause has its effect; every effect has its cause; everything happens according to Law; Chance is just a name for Law not recognized; there are many fields of causation, but nothing escapes the Law of Destiny.
  
• VII. THE PRINCIPLE OF GENDER: Gender is in everything; everything has its masculine and feminine principles; Gender manifests on all levels.

Looks good to me. Coming up next to a monument near you, the Fifteen Rules for Riding a School Bus.

TIME WOUNDS ALL HEELS

Here's what they said, before and after.

Before the presidential election, Sarah Palin on Barack Obama: "This is not a man who sees America as you see America, and as I see America. Our opponent, though, is someone who sees America, it seems, as being so imperfect -- imperfect enough that he's palling around with terrorists who would target their own country.

After the election: "Barack Obama has been elected president. Let us, let us -- let him -- be able to be able to kind of savor this moment, one, and not let the pettiness of maybe internal workings of the campaign erode any of the recognition of this historic moment that we're in. And God bless Obama and his beautiful family."

Before, Joseph Lieberman: "When others wanted to retreat in defeat from the field of battle, when Barack Obama was voting to cut off funding for our troops on the ground, John McCain had the courage to stand against the tide of public opinion,"

After, Lieberman spokesman Marshall Wittmann: "He believes that president-elect Obama -- and, then, Senator Obama -- is a genuine patriot and loves his country."

Before, Representative Michele Bachmann, speaking of Barack Obama: "I'm very concerned that he may have anti-American views."

After: she was "extremely grateful that we have an African-American who has won this year."

Before, Media Research Center president L. Brent Bozell III on Fox News' Fox & Friends: "When you go through the entirety of the campaign saying the kind of things that you're saying in the debates, where on, for every question, you've got a redistribution of wealth answer, where you've got socialism, where you've got the government controlling every aspect of life. You don't expect a reporter to ask you, 'Is this socialism?'"

After, on Fox News' America's Newsroom, to co-anchor Bill Hemmer: "The American people are fiscally conservative, and the fascinating thing, Bill, is that Barack Obama ran as a Reaganite and won over the fiscal -- the public as a fiscal conservative."

WHAT COLOR IS YOUR RIBBON?

My nearby Quick Trip is giving out green light bulbs because November is National Runaway Prevention Month. You're supposed to put the bulb in your porch lamp to stop kids from running away, or "raise awareness" or something like that. I'm not exactly sure how this thing works.

It's like wearing pink for breast cancer, or to be against breast cancer, or to "raise awareness" or something like that. It started with pink ribbons, but now it's pink everything. But what about me? What color is my ribbon? I don't have breast cancer. I have liver cancer. So what am I, pate?

This whole ribbon thing started with yellow ribbons to support our Iranian hostages, which came from the Tony Orlando and Dawn song, which came from a short film on PBS's The Great American Dream Machine, which came from an allegedly true story about a prisoner, which possibly came from the Civil War tradition of girls wearing a yellow ribbon for their boyfriend in the war.

Then there were the red ribbons from Project DARE to tie to your car antenna if you were against drugs, and later there were red ribbons to wear on your lapel if you were against AIDS, or wanted to "raise awareness" or something like that.

When Gulf War One broke out, people called my radio show to ask what color ribbon to wear. The radio station soon provided the answer by handing out red, white and blue ribbons at public events.

But it was when little Timmy blew up 169 innocent people in Oklahoma City, and callers asked me what ribbon they were supposed to wear now, that I knew this whole ribbon thing had gone way over the edge.

But that's just my opinion. And consider the source. I briefly wore a black armband in the sixties to protest the Vietnam war.

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

With the election behind us, it's time to ask: Whatever happened to...

• ...the Obama Girl? Amber Lee Ettinger has an agent. Her first album, Queen of the Web, is coming out in 2009.
• ...Joe the Plumber? Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher has an agent. He's decided not to record a country album but is talking about writing a book.
• ...former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee? He's doing a talk show on Fox News.
• ...Sarah Palin? She's still governor of Alaska, part of the "real" America.
• ...Tina Fey? Her TV show 30 Rock is very funny. You should watch it.

Before the election, U.S. Senator James Inhofe, Republican of Oklahoma, predicted that John McCain would be the next president of the United States. After the election, he issued a statement saying he was wrong,

Thanks for clearing that up, James.

Featured Quotations --

"I said in Fayetteville that I would beat Michael Phelps in swimming before Barack Obama wins North Carolina, and I can't swim. I'm standing by that." -- The still dry Senator Lindsay Graham, Republican of South Carolina.

"I don't see problems for (Russian President Dmitry Anatolyevich) Medvedev to establish good relations with Obama, who is also handsome, young and suntanned." -- Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi.

''Obviously, a lot of shelter dogs are mutts like me.'' -- U.S. President Elect Barack Obama, discussing possible choices for a White House dog.

EAT THIS!

Civil war is raging in Congo. People who have been driven from their homes are starving in refugee camps. A 12-vehicle U.N. relief convoy finally made it through rebel lines to the Kibati camp the other day to the cheers of tens of thousands. And then the aid workers delivered their supplies of... soap.

No food. Just soap.

A U.N. spokesperson said sanitation is a top priority.

At least the refugees will die clean.

THE VOTES JUST KEEP ON COMING

This just in. Barack Obama has won the Kenyan vote.

Kenyans held their election in the city of Kisumo, Obama's late father's home town. Hawkers sold, and voters bought, Obama pins, T-shirts and clocks.

Obama won 98% of the vote. Kenya has no electoral votes.

Kenya held its own presidential election last year. Riots raged over charges of vote rigging when the challenger lost to the incumbent.

This time, riot police stood by. But everyone seemed happy, or at least 8% of them.

WHY I VOTE

I voted.

I know my vote doesn't count for much, not when it's diluted by millions of other votes. As my grandmother used to say, "You're not the only pea in the pot."

I'm not a big gambler, but I like to watch horse races. I may put two dollars on the favorite. Not much, I know, but it gives me a stake in the race. It gives me a reason to scream and holler when my horse goes by. And if I lose, I can always get in on the next race.

I like the Powerball lottery. It's only a dollar, and the payoff is tens of millions. My chances of winning are infinitesimal, but still finite. For a week I can dream about packing my bags and taking that trip around the country and the world for the rest of my life. And if I lose, I can buy another ticket.

My puny little vote gives me a stake in the race. I get to study the issues and put up a yard sign, watch the returns and root for my guy. And if he or she loses, there's always next time.

A black guy I work with told me that the law that gives blacks the right to vote has to be renewed in Congress every ten years or all blacks lose that right. I tried to explain to him about the fifteenth amendment to the constitution, but he was not ready to believe me.

Tonight I'll watch the election returns on TV and stay up at least late enough to see Fox news report, in their fair and balanced way, that Barack Obama is the winner.

I want to hear them say it. I want to see their faces.

WHERE IS YOUR FLAG PIN?

Quotation of the day...

"Do you really want to have a guy as commander in chief of this country when you can question whether or not he really loves his country? That's the big question.''

...Oklahoma Senator James Inhofe, Republican.

Inhofe later "clarified" his remarks, saying...

"Let me be clear. I am not questioning Senator Obama's patriotism, but you have to question why at times he seems so obviously opposed to public displays of patriotism and national pride, like wearing an American flag lapel pin.''

THERE IS NO GOD

October is a holy month for both Hindus and Muslims.

Militant Hindus in Andhra Pradesh, India, celebrated by burning to death a Muslim family of six in their home.

No cows were hurt.

WHAT ARE THEY TEACHING THESE KIDS?

Barack Obama has swept the kids' vote. He's won the Weekly Reader poll of 125,000 kids, the Scholastic poll of 250,000 kids, and the Nickelodeon poll of 2.2 million kids.

This has prompted calls by leading Democrats to lower the voting age to conception.

(I just made up that last part.)

NOSTALGIA ISN'T WHAT IT USED TO BE

Microsoft is introducing its newest operating system, Windows 7.

I remember when a new OS from Microsoft was a cause for happiness and celebration. Now it just causes fear and loathing.

I'm still using XP Pro. It boots up slowly, programs load slowly, and sometimes it just hangs up and stops. But at least I'm used to it. Most of the time it works, and I don't plan to change.

My favorite OS was DOS 3.2. It booted quickly, applications loaded quickly, and when I installed a program I knew where it went on the hard drive. With Windows, it seems to go everywhere. DOS did everything I needed: pre-Internet bulletin-boarding, arcade games and word processing. It ran the most intuitive word processor ever made, PFS Pro Write, with white letters on a soothing blue screen as God surely intended.

Maybe I'm becoming like one of those old fogeys who wish cars still had carburetors and a regular guy could still fix them in the driveway with a wrench and a spark-gapper.

But I wish I still had that old XT clone of mine.

AND WHAT ABOUT THE TALIBAN VOTE?

Al Qaeda is endorsing John McCain for president. The al-Hesbah web site reports, "Al Qaeda will have to support McCain in the coming elections so that he continues the failing march of his predecessor, Bush."

Hamas endorsed Barack Obama, as pointed out in an email to McCain donors. In the email, McCain's deputy campaign manager, Christian Ferry quotes Ahmed Yousef, chief political adviser to the Hamas Prime Minister, as saying, "We like Mr. Obama and we hope he will win the election. He has a vision to change America."

No word yet on who Hezbollah is endorsing.

CONTAMINATED LOVE

The British government warns that some edible sex accessories imported from China are contaminated with melamine. These include chocolate and strawberry body pens and erotic chocolate lotion.

Just another reminder that SEX KILLS.

IT SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME

In honor of "Spirit Week," students at Parkway West Middle School in Chesterfield, Missouri, celebrated "Hit a Jew Day." Charges are pending.

Meanwhile, the Belgian TV show "Plat Prefere" (Favorite Dish), a cooking show that features the favorite food of famous people, will present Adolph Hitler's favorite meal. Der Fuhrer liked trout with butter sauce.

APRES MOI LE DELUGE

I'll make a couple of predictions. Barak Obama will win the election. That's an easy one. Only a major national security meltdown can stop him now.

Here's prediction two. After the election expect a big Obama backlash. Remember the Clinton-haters who accused the president of everything from being drug dealer to a serial killer? I'm talking about a wave of Obama-hate that will make last century's Clinton-hate look like a birthday party.

A lot of it will come from Republicans who will throw a tantrum because they won't be able to accept losing the power. And they won't blame George Bush; they'll blame Obama. The rest will come from rednecks and bigots who won't be able to stand seeing a black man in the White House. It's already begun. Obama has been denounced from blogs and podiums as a "socialist," "communist," "un-American," "traitor," "terrorist" and worse.

And the hate will spill over. A lot of it will be directed at feminists, immigrants, gays, the "liberal-elite media" and of course African-Americans.

Expect also a rise in the power and memberhip of white supremacist groups. Tighten your safety harness, this ride is about to get real interesting.

Quotation of the day --

"Right now we're facing the potential of a half-black candidate financed by Jewish money going up against a white candidate financed by Jewish money who are both advovating the same policy."

-- Socialist Workers Party leader Bill White.

(NY Times)

REACH!

It'll be just like the old west, only better.

Here in Oklahoma, any adult who's not criminal or insane can take a class and legally carry a concealed handgun. That's called "concealed carry." But now a group here is pushing for "open carry," so you can wear your gun right there on your hip for all to see and admire, just like in the old west as seen on TV.

This is so cool. I'm already picking out my holster.

Quotation of the day --

"An armed society is a polite society."

-- Robert Anson Heinlein

TASTES LIKE CHICKEN

Headline of the day --

"CHEF WHO STABBED, SEASONED HIS VICTIM IS GUILTY OF MURDER"

(Tulsa World, from a London wire story)

OH BOY, MORE PSYCHIATRISTS

He stabbed his psychiatrist to death and slashed another psychiatrist nearly to death. For this, a New York judge has sent David Tarloff to a state psychiatric institution.

That is what's known as a target-rich environment.

AND THESE PEOPLE CAN VOTE!

The New York Times staked out the parking lots at Wal-Mart and Krogers in Mobile, Alabama, to ask the locals what they thought of Barack Obama. The answers were astounding.

"He's neither-nor. He's other. It's in the bible. Come as one. Don't create other breeds." -- Ricky Thompson, potential voter.

"I would think of him as I would of another mixed race. God taught the children of Israel not to intermarry." -- Glenn Reynolds, potential voter.

"He's going to tear up the rose garden and plant a watermelon patch." -- James Halsey, potential voter.

SIGN WARS

Someone destroyed my "Obama '08" yard sign.

A person or persons unknown tore the sign up and stuffed the pieces under the windshield wiper of my car. How rude!

Still, it could have been worse. In two Toronto neighborhoods, more than 30 people with Liberal Party yard signs had their property vandalized with political graffiti and the brake lines on their cars cut. No one's been killed yet but there have been some close calls.

So I got off lightly. And besides, I've restocked. Now I have three Obama yard signs.

WHEN AT FIRST...

The California Medical Board gave a pediatrician seven years probation for choking his psychiatrist and ordered him to get psychotherapy.

Sure, why not, since psychotherapy worked so well the last time.

Note to new psychiatrist: Be afraid. Be very afraid.

MY GOD IS BETTER THAN YOUR GOD

Neighborhood Hindu councils in India are giving local Christians a choice: Convert, or die.

So far more than 30 have died, 130 churches have been destroyed and 3,000 Christians' homes have been burned. Many Christians have fled.

But at least no cows have been harmed.

CHICKPEA WARS

Jews and Muslims celebrated the Jewish holy day of Yom Kippur in the Israeli town of Acre by throwing stones at each other.

It took police with tear gas, stun grenades and water cannons to break up the celebration.

Meanwhile, a Lebanese business group is planning to sue Israel for selling hummus. The Lebanese Industrial Association says that Hummus is a Lebanese dish. Spokesman Fadi Abboud says, "It is not enough they are stealing our land. They are also stealing our civilization and our cuisine."

The group also plans to go after Israeli tabbouleh, falafel and baba ghannouj.

BUT IS SHE OMNIPOTENT?

It's good to be God. Or not.

Matani Shakya is a living Goddess, worshipped by Hindus and Buddhists. She is three years old. Priests in Nepal chose her this week to be the living incarnation of the Hindu Goddess Teleju. But first she had to pass some tests. The living Goddess must...

• ...not yet have menstruated.
• ...be an ideal physical specimen, with perfect skin, hair, eyes, and teeth.
• ...not be afraid of the dark.
• ...have the right horoscope.
• ...spend a night alone in a room with the heads of dead goats and buffaloes without showing fear.

She will live in isolation at the temple until she is disqualified. The last living Goddess, Sajani Shakya, was fired for menstruating.

GUILT BY ASSOCIATION

A new scandal has hit the Republican party, which has been trying to tear down the New Deal for more than 70 years. It turns out that Sarah Palin is related to Franklin D. Roosevelt. Their common ancestor is Palin's ninth great grandfather John Lothrop.

The is not the first such scandal to hit the Republicans. It was revealed last year that Dick Cheney is a distant cousin of Barack Obama.

CATCH 22

A federal judge in Washington, D.C. has ordered the release of 17 detainees from the Guantanamo prison camp because they're not guilty. Even the military admits the Chinese Muslims were never enemy combatants. They've been imprisoned for seven years.

The Bush administration plans to appeal the decision. If that doesn't work, government lawyers say Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents may arrest the men for being in this country illegally.

And WHOSE FAULT IS THAT?

TUNA SURPRISE

John McCain has a secret plan.

At last night's presidential debate McCain said, "I'll get Osama bin Laden, my friends. I'll get him. I know how to get him."

Of course, he won't say how. That would tip off bin Laden.

This reminds me of Richard Nixon. Running for president in 1968, he said he had a plan that would end the war in Vietnam, without losing. He never used the words "secret plan," but he never said what the plan was. That would tip off the enemy. Still, it helped him win the election. It turned out that the secret was that he had no plan.

This reminds me of my first wife's tuna surprise. She would say she was making "tuna surprise" for dinner. Then, she'd bring out hot dogs. I'd ask what happened to the tuna surprise. And she'd say, "Surprise! There's no tuna!"

LEADING THE BLIND

Members of the National Federation of the Blind are going to theaters across the country to protest the movie Blindness. I doubt that most of them have even seen it.

THE DEVIL IS A DEMOCRAT

In Scranton, Pennsylvania, the home town of Vice Presidential Candidate Joe Biden, Catholic Bishop Joseph Martino wrote a letter and ordered every priest in the diocese to read it aloud at Sunday mass. The letter says that voting for a pro-choice candidate is the same as endorsing homicide.

In other words, vote Republican or GO TO HELL!

BUT DOES VAPORUB CURE TOENAIL FUNGUS?

The Annals of Improbable research Magazine has awarded Ig Noble prizes this year to scientists for the following discoveries:

• CocaCola is a spermicide. Diet Coke works best.
• Expensive fake medicines work better than cheap fake medicines.
• Potato chips that sound crunchier taste better.
• Exotic dancers make better tips when they are at peak fertility.

Science dances on!

WHAT WAS THE QUESTION AGAIN?

A recent poll by the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life finds that 21% of self-described atheists say they believe in God.

Huh?

TRY, TRY AGAIN

Here in Oklahoma the other day, re-enactors re-fought the Civil War Battle of Honey Springs. The South lost again.

Next, the re-enactors will re-enact the Battle of Greenleaf Prairie. The South is again expected to lose.

A stampede of thousands killed 125 pilgrims at a Hindu temple in Jodhpur. India, where worshippers were honoring the Mother Goddess. The stampede was fueled by rumors of a bomb. There was no bomb.

Last month, a similar stampede killed 145 people at a temple in northern India on rumors of an avalanche. There was no avalanche.

There is no God. (Or maybe just no Mother Goddess.)

THERE WON'T BE NO ANOTHER TIME

On this day in 1960, John F. Kennedy and Richard M. Nixon held the first ever televised presidential candidate debate. Nixon's face showed a five-o-clock shadow. He lost the election.

Tonight presidential candidates Barack Obama and John McCain held their first televised debate. Both were cleanshaven. We've come a long way, baby.

Would you buy a foreign spaceship? NASA wants to.

NASA plans to ground the shuttle in 2010. They're working on a replacement, but it won't be ready until 2016. So for at least six years there will be no U.S. craft to fly to the International Space Station. And whats a space agency without a spaceship?

So NASA wants to buy a Russian Soyuz, a compact three-seater job. But if you want a Soyuz you have to order three years in advance, so time's a'wastin'.

Americans drive foreign cars, so why not a foreign spaceship? And it'll probably get great gas mileage.

(USA Today)

Republican Senator and Presidential Candidate John McCain on the economy --

Monday: "The fundamentals of our economy are strong."

Tuesday: The economy is in "crisis," but the government should not bail out AIG.

Wednesday: The AIG bailout is regrettable but unavoidable.

Thursday: He wants to fire SEC Chairman Christopher Cox, who McCain previously voted to confirm.

Friday: Stay tuned.

(USA Today)

Quotation of the day --

"When all else fails, men turn to reason."

-- Late Israeli Foreign Minister Abba Eban.

Oklahoma State Senator Randy Brogdon will address the John Birch Society next month for their 50th anniversary.

According to the Tulsa World newspaper, "The society believes the world is ruled by a secret international cabal of industrialists operating behind a communist front. Among other things, it charged President Dwight Eisenhower and his brother Milton with being communist agents."

But I'm sure the Birchers are otherwise a bunch of fun guys.

Brogdon is campaigning against a secret plan to relinquish U.S. sovereignty and join with Mexico and Canada to form a single country called The North American Union.

Government sources deny there's such a plan.

But of course they would.

DEJA VU

President Bush proposes to bail out the country's failing financial industry. That could cost $700 billion.

The president says the plan will pay for itself through the sale of bank assets.

Of course, this is the same president who said that the war in Iraq would pay for itself.

Let me get this straight.

Socialized medicine: bad.

Socialized banking: good.

OK, just checking.

SEX IN THE MUSLIM WORLD

Premarital sex in Iran is punishable by death. So what's a loving couple to do?

No problem. They can avoid hanging, stoning or beheading by simply going to their friendly local cleric for a temporary marriage license. The license can be for as long as 99 years or as short as 30 minutes. This allows the the couple to share a hotel room without fear of death.

The woman must provide either a divorce decree or parental consent. No paperwork? No problem. A bribe will serve just as well.

(AP)

OH VANITY OF VANITIES

Here in Oklahoma, the Department of Motor Vehicles has rejected these vanity license plates as inappropriate and offensive:

• screwup
• imgay
• bufmama
• any reference to a person's posterior
• any reference to prostitution
• any plate with backward lettering, to be read in a rear view mirror.

(Tulsa World)

YES, WE HAVE NO CUCUMBERS

Al-Qa'eda in Iraq has some new rules that it is enforcing:

• Ice cream is forbidden because it did not exist during the life of Mohammed.
• Women may not buy cucumbers or other suggestively shaped vegatables because... well, just because.

(Telegraph.co.uk)

The Archdiocese of Cincinnati has issued to priests a list of inappropriate behaviors with children, including:

• No kissing.
• No Tickling.
• No wrestling.
• No lap-sitting.
• No piggyback rides.

To these rules I might add:

• No playing naked movie star.
• If you play doctor, don't use an anal thermometer.

THE RICH GET RICH AND...

The good news is, the number of working poor is down in Tulsa, according to the latest survey.

The bad news is that the number of non-working poor is up.

What a great way to thin the ranks of working poor: Fire them.

MEXICO ATTACKS U.S.

Four Mexican soldiers held a U.S. Border Patrol at gunpoint in Arizona.

It wasn't until the soldiers realized they weren't in Mexico anymore that they lowered their weapons and retreated southward.

THROUGH FUR TWOFER

A pit bull was attacking a 9-year-old Detroit boy. So grandpa got his gun ... and shot the boy.

Actually, the bullet passed though the dog first. It was a twofer.

The boy is expected to recover. The dog's OK too.

THEY DOUBLE AS SLINGSHOTS

Warning: Those German bulletproof bras are not really bulletproof.

German police are issuing what they are calling "bulletproof bras" to women officers. The bras are made to be worn under bulletproof vests. What's different about these plain cotton bras is that they have no metal or plastic parts to endanger the officer. They also say "police' (polizei) on the seam.

So you can wear this bra proudly. Just remember, it won't stop bullets.

BABE MAGNETS BANNED

The Associated Press reports from Riyadh, the capitol city of Saudi Arabia --

"The sale of dogs and cats has been banned because authorities say men use them to hit on women."

Always worked for me.

I was a newscast writer/producer at KOTV here in Tulsa. I see that my old station (and its sister station KQCW) just fired thirteen employees.

The Tulsa World newspaper reports that the layoffs were to "align staffing levels with business needs," according to Vice President of Strategy Joyce Reed. Do they teach such obfuscatory language in business school?

The vice president and CEO declined to comment for the World article. The general manager of the sister station declined to comment. So as the news ball rolled downhill, comment was left to the vice president of strategy.

Joyce Reed said, "It was not a matter of cost cutting."

But did he say this with a straight face?

In Oklahoma City this week, as the congregation of the Grace Assembly of God church celebrated the raising of their new steeple, the crane raising the steeple fell over and killed one of the congregants.

There is no God.

This is exactly how I remember it.

I dove deep into the dark water, fighting for the light and life of the surface even as white-coated people below tried to drown me. One had me by the throat, holding my face still, as another forced water up my nose.

I was all so horrifying and obviously nightmarish that I decided I must be dreaming. So I tried to wake up. But I couldn't. I tried all the tricks of lucid dreaming. None of them worked. The last thing I remember thinking as I choked for air was, "From some dreams, you just don't wake up."

That's exactly how I remember it. I was later told I yanked out four nasal tubes before the white-coats stopped trying to insert one.

I feel fine. I just have a touch of stage four cancer.

When people ask, as they do in passing, "How are you?" I want to answer, "I have cancer, how are you?"

But I don't. I just say, "Fine."

Still, I wonder if my cats will outlive me.

So on Tuesday a surgeon will go where no man or woman has gone before: deep into the bowels of my bowels, with a knife.

The adventure continues.

BABY GET YOUR GUN

The Oklahoma State House is taking up a bill that would allow licensed 18-year-olds to carry concealed weapons. The minimum age now is 21.

Representative Jerry Ellis says, "In my district when you turn 18, you already have 16 years of experience with a gun."

Armed two- year- olds. You heard it here. Pardon me while I take cover.

(Tulsa World)

Virginia has made all organized animal fights illegal. The law applies to all animals: pit bulls, cockfights, fighting crickets, whatever.

Organized human fights, however, are exempt from the law.

HELL'S ANGELS AT SEA

It's now been revealed that the Hell's Angles plotted to kill Mick Jagger in 1969 because he bad mouthed them after Altamont. They tried a sea assault on Jagger's Long Island home, but a wave knocked the avenging Angels overboard.

Stick to the bikes, boys.

DEJA VU

Funeral arrangements were being made on Friday for 35 Pakistanis blown up by a suicide bomber at the funeral of a policeman who had been blown up by a suicide bomber earlier in the day.

(AP)

TASTY NIBBLES

Marcus Groh went with a dive group last weekend to see the sharks in the ocean off Fort Lauderdale. To make sure there would be sharks, the tour leaders baited the water with fish guts. And it worked. The sharks came. They bit Marcus to death.

Who could have known?

SCHRODINGER LIVES!

An update on my colon (see earlier story): Today I am existing in two states of being simultaneously.

The doctor found a tumor. He says it is likely to be malignant. It is also likely to not be malignant.

So today I exist in a cancerous state as well as a non-cancerous state, both at the same time. And it won't be until later this week, when the testing of the biopsy is complete, that my two states will collapse into one. I will then be either cancerous Marc, or non-cancerous Marc.

This will be interesting.

WWJD

Two Oregon teens were suspended from school for wearing crucifixes. The principal said the crosses were gang symbols.

The Jesus gang?

AND YET IT MOVES

While waiting for my colonoscopy, I thought of the astronomer Galileo.

I was lying on my side on a gurney, wearing a gown that opened in the back, and my mind was numb with the terror of the occasion. There on a tray sat a device consisting of several instruments connected by black hoses. I surmised that one of those hoses was going to go some distance up a private orifice of mine, and I did not like the idea. That's when I thought of Galileo.

After the church charged Galileo with heresy for claiming that the Earth circles the Sun rather that the other way around, they tried to get him to renounce his theory. Evidently believing Galileo to be a reasonable man, before resorting to torture they first displayed for him the instruments of his torture.

He renounced his theory.

I can see why he'd do that.

An Idaho teen was arrested for faking his kidnapping and then trying to get his friends to pay a $3000 ransom.

Friends? This guy has friends?

There will always be an England. It just won't be on the radio,

You know that image from the war movies, people huddled together in the dark and lit only by the faint glow of a short wave radio, listening to the BBC World Service for the latest news of the Allied front.

But no more. The BBC has stopped transmitting to North and South America, and the last broadcasts to Europe ended Monday.

The "Beeb" issued a statement saying that after 75 years, the service could no longer be justified because so few people were listening amymore. You know, ratings were down.

The BBC World Service will continue serving underdeveloped nations in Africa and Asia. The rest of us can still catch it on the Internet.

And of course, there'll always be an Internet.

Mohamed al Fayed, whose son Dodi died in a Paris car crash with Princess Diana, testified at her inquest Monday in London. Here are some highlights of his testimony.

• Prince Phillip, husband of Queen Elizabeth II, directed the plot to "slaughter" Dodi and Diana.
• Prince Phillip is a "racist" and a "Nazi."
• He added, "It's time to send him back to Germany, from where he comes." (Phillip was born in Greece.)
• Fayed said of Prince Phillip, "You want to know his original name? It's Frankenstein." (Actually, it's Mountbatten.)
• Phillip had the couple killed because he didn't want Diana to marry a Muslim, "someone who is naturally tanned, with curly hair."
• Prince Charles wanted Diana eliminated so he could marry "his crocodile wife," Camilla Parker Bowles.
• Diana told Fayed that Prince Phillip wanted to kill her. (She apparently never confided this to anyone else.)
• Diana told him that she was pregnant with Dodi's child. (Again, she never told her friends.)
• MI6, the CIA and the NSA were bugging Diana's phone.
• The British and French secret intelligence services "executed" Diana and Dodi.
• The CIA also helped.
• The couple's driver, Henri Paul, was in on the plot. (Paul also died in the crash. Two previous investigations by French and British police found that he was drunk and speeding.)
• A paparazzi photographer, who later committed suicide, also helped kill the couple. (That photographer, James Adanson, was 177 miles from Paris at the time.)
• Also in on the plot were former Prime Minister Tony Blair "and his senior henchmen," Britain's ambassador to France, French medical and forensic experts, Scotland Yard and Queen Elizabeth's private secretary.
• Mohamed al Fayed said his proof is in the secret MI6 files, which he's never seen.
• Fayed said, "I will expose those gangsters, not only for me but for the ordinary people of this country."

I'm waiting for the movie to come out.
(USA/NYT)

Here is some of the wit and wisdom of Arizona Senator John McCain.

• "Only an asshole like you would put together a budget like this," to former Budget Committee Chairman Senator Pete Domenici in 1999.
• "I'm calling you a fucking jerk," to Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley.
• "Fuck you. I know more about this than anyone else in the room," to Texas Senator John Cornyn during a meeting on immigration legislation.

Ya gotta like this guy.

(AP)

The town of Obama, Japan is supporting its American namesake. There are "Go Obama" posters, "I love Obama" T-shirts and bean cakes with Barak Obama's picture on them.

Remind me, how many delegates does Japan have?

(NYT)

GOD LOVES NUKES

Iran's supreme leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei says God will punish Iranians who don't support the country's nuclear program.

The Lord works in mysterious ways.

(AP)

The Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization will search a wilderness area of West Virginia in April, looking for Bigfoot.

They last searched this area in 2006. They didn't find him then, either.

(USA)

IS THAT A VIBRATOR IN YOUR POCKET?

Just in time for Valentine's Day, a federal appeals court has overturned the Texas ban on sex toys.

But watch out, a dildo can still get you busted in Alabama.

What's up with Valentine's day? When did the observance become so cynical?

Yesterday I reported on un-Valentine's cards, candy, T-shirts and background checks.

Now I see in the Wall Street Journal a special Valentine's piece on how to have a good divorce. Some advice: Try coming to terms without a lawyer, be prepared for a major loss of assets, and treat your ex as a business partner rather than as someone you loved.

USA Today reminds the soon to be divorcee to purge the e-mail archives of damaging evidence so you're not caught out like the mayor of Detroit. And don't forget to clean up your Facebook profile.

And a West Virginia radio station is giving away a free divorce for Valentine's day.

Maybe it's always been like this, ever since Saint Valentine was tortured to death on February 14th, 496AD for secretly marrying young couples.

But at least the Tulsa World had something positive: How to make love last. The answer: put the flowers in a vase of sugar water with a drop of bleach, and cut the stems on a diagonal.

Even war-torn Kenya remembers Valentine's Day.

Kenya grows 25% of the Valentine's flowers, mostly roses, sold in Europe. It's the number one export. And Cupid waits for no civil war. So the flowers are being transported in police convoys and flown out of the country.

It's good to know that even as opposing tribes are hacking each other to death, there's still time to stop and smell the roses.

Just in time for Valentine's day, stuff for the unloved one.

• From American Greetings Corp, a card that reads, "Roses are red, and green is the clover, I'll be so glad when this day is over. Crappy Valentines Day."
• From Cafe Press, a T-shirt that reads, "Love is like a box of chocolates. It's sweet at first, and then you wanna puke!"
• From Bittersweets, the Valentine's Candy for the Rest of Us," little chalky candy hearts with messages like, "PRENUP OK?" and "DO MY DISHES."

And keeping with this Valentine's Day sentiment, The Oklahoman newspaper published a front page story on how to run a background check on your sweetie, including web links to court and prison records.

Happy Valentine's Day, or whatever.

A JOYFULL NOISE

Some Oklahoma churches are having a kerfuffle. It's about music.

Lot's of churches have music. Some have organs or, God help us, guitars. Many have choirs.

The Church of Christ has choirs. But the one in Quail Springs has added musical instruments. And evidently, that's an Unchristly thing to do.

No musical instruments are ever mentioned in the New Testament. There's a lot dueling scripture here. A competing church calls the the musical pastor a "false teacher for adding elements to the worship which God did not authorize."

At my childhood Conservative Jewish synagogue, the singing was a capella, in a minor key. Playing musical instruments on the sabbath is a sin. But the cantor did use a pitch pipe, which did not go un-noticed or un-commented upon.

Some reform congregations use instruments, but Orthodox Jews don't consider Reform Jews to be really Jewish.

Ever notice how religion brings people together? Me neither.

Whatever happened to Dr. Robert Jarvik, the guy who invented the first succesfull, implantable artificial heart?

He's doing TV commercials for Lipitor, the cholesterol drug. You may have seen them. He talks to the camera, and then there's a long shot of him rowing a boat on Lake Cresent, showing how healthy he is on Lipitor.

Only it's not him rowing. It's a body double, Dennis Williams.

Dennis isn't even a doctor, but he plays one on TV.

What's a vote cost? A delegate vote goes for $45,000 to $4 million.

If you take the presidential candidates and divide money spent by delegates won, here's what you get:

• Mike Huckabee ... $45,000
• John McCain ... 57,000
• Hillary Clinton ... 89,000
• Barack Obama ... 121,000
• Mitt Romney ... 654,000
• Ron Paul ... 4 million

Rudolf Giuliani spent $48 million and didn't win a single delegate. You do the math.

(NYT)

Here in the Sooner state, 86% of those recently surveyed want English to be the official language.

But given what many natural born Americans do to the English language, maybe that's not such a good idea.

China is celebrating its lunar new year. This year is 4696.

The Hebrew calendar is also lunar. The new year started in September. It's 5760.

This would mean that for 1064 years, Jewish people had no Chinese food.

Conventional wisdom is that every adult citizen should get out and vote because it's a civic duty.

I disagree. I say if you don't feel strongly about voting -- if you haven't been following the candidates and the issues -- then just stay home and leave the voting to those who know what they're doing.

People in Virginia, Florida, Washington and Texas turned out to vote on Super Tuesday but found their polling places closed. That's because Florida voted last month, Virginia is next week and Texas is next month. Washington has no primaries, they'll caucus this weekend.

If these citizens can't even pick the proper day to vote, can they really be trusted to pick the next leader of the free world?

Some South Carolina lawmakers want to require political candidates to pass drug tests -- thereby denying voters the right to elect officeholders who are on drugs.

Playing in London, "Meltdown," a modern dance inspired by the life of Britney Spears. It features a female dancer dressed in a pink crop-top and vinyl hot pants chased by black-clad paparazzi and rescued by dancing doctors in white coats.

The music is by the same man who brought us "Jerry Springer: The Opera."

Are you ready to get waterboarded?

Waterboarding is much in the news recently, but it's an old sport. Waterboarding was used by the Spanish Inquisition in the 15th century, and by the Japanese on American POWs during World War II. Since 2001 waterboarding has been used by the CIA on enemy combatants in secret prisons around the world. The U.S. attorney general says the CIA is not waterboarding at this time, but provides no assurance that it won't again in the future.

Waterboarding is an interrogation technique used to encourage a suspect to provide information he or she might otherwise wish not to. But is it torture? This question has been debated lately. There's one way to find out for yourself. Try it. Get waterboarded!

WARNING: WATERBOARDING CAN KILL YOU. IT CAN CAUSE DROWNING, HEART ATTACK OR PERMANENT DAMAGE TO THE LUNGS, AND LEAD TO DEPRESSION, PANIC ATTACKS AND POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER (PTSD).

You'll need a wooden board or plank, restraints (like rope), Saran Wrap, a cloth (like a towel or rag) and some water. Have your friends tie you to the board and elevate one end so your feet are higher than your head. The plastic wrap goes over your mouth to insure only nose breathing. The cloth, pre moistened, goes over your face. Then your friends pour the water over the cloth and continue pouring until they have to stop so you can regain consiousness. Repeat as needed.

WARNING: DO NOT TRY THIS EXPERIMENT WITHOUT A QUALIFIED MEDICAL TEAM STANDING BY, INCLUDING A DOCTOR WITH A DEFIBRILLATOR AND A FULL MEDICAL SUITE.

State lawmaker Fletcher Smith of South Carolina wants to lower the drinking age for military personel to 18. He says it will improve morale.

I'll drink to that.

Last year American Airlines laid off a bunch of pilots. This year they're cancelling flights because -- surprise -- they don't have enough pilots.

Who knew?

A Romanian priest is in jail for exorcising a nun by crucifying her on a cross for several days.

The bad news is the nun died. The good news is she's not possessed anymore.

Today's quotation --

"With or without religion, good people will do good, and evil people will do evil. But for good people to do evil, that takes religion."

-- Nobel Prize-winning physicist Steven Weinberg.

DEJA VU AGAIN

A suicide bomber killed three Iraqi policemen who were investigating the site of a bombing in Mosul that killed thirty four Iraqi soldiers who were investigating a bomb factory there the day before.

The investigation continues.

SPEAK SOFTLY AND...

Today's Quotation --

"People may oppose you, but when they realize you can hurt them, they'll join your side.

-- Condoleezza Rice

(NYT Book Review)

Today's quotation --

"There, but for the grace of God, goes God."

-- Winston Churchill.

Men and women in Kelantan, Malaysia can no longer share checkout lines. In the grocery store, for example, women will have to take their melons to a separate cashier. The chief minister says the purpose of the law is "to safeguard the ladies."

But in Saudi Arabia the Commission for the Propagation of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice has decided that women will now be allowed to check into hotels alone. Still, innkeepers will have to report them to the police, to safeguard the ladies, no doubt.

Pay attention, panhandlers, here are some new laws regulating your business.

You can panhandle in Macon, Georgia, but only if you tell the truth. So if you say your car ran out of gas and you need money to get to Cincinnati for your aunt's funeral, your car better be on empty, you better be going to Cincinnati and your aunt better be dead.

And in Minneapolis you can only panhandle solo. No more panhandling in groups; you're scaring people.

WHERE WAS THAT AGAIN?

Today's quotation --

"God gives us power to get wealth. Does that sound like he wants you to be on welfare? That's in the Bible!"

-- Fredrick K.C. Price, preacher, Crenshaw Christian Center of Los Angeles.

Some Florida banks, to prevent robberies, are banning customers wearing hoods, hats or sunglasses. However, shirt and shoes are still required.

Today Iraq celebrates the religious holiday of Ashura. The death toll is seven.

Ashura marks the killing of Imam Hussein, grandson of the prophet Mohammad. 13 centuries ago.

Want to be a millionaire? Go to Zimbabwe.

The official inflation rate in Zimbabwe is 25,000% yearly, but the real rate is more like 150,000%.

A hamburger there costs 15 million Zimbabwe dollars. Zimbabweans carry currency in one, five and ten-million dollar denominations.

What's it take to be a millionaire in Zimbabwe? Two and a half bucks, American.

Bobby Fischer died last Thursday in Reykjavik, Iceland. Here is some of the wisdom of Bobby Fischer, in his own words.

• Bobby Fischer on Chess: "Chess is war over the board. The object is to crush the opponent's mind."
• Bobby Fischer on 9/11: "Wonderful news."
• Bobby Fischer on the U.S.A.: He hoped that "the country will be taken over by the military, they'll close down all the synagogues, arrest all the Jews and execute hundreds of thousands of Jewish ringleaders."
• Bobby Fischer on the Jewish People: A "filthy lying bastard people." They kill Christian children and "their blood is used in black-magic ceremonies."
• Bobby Fischer on the holocaust: A "money-making invention."
• Bobby Fischer on Communism: He kept a locked suitcase full of pills, saying "If the Commies come to poison me, I don't want to make it easy for them."
• Bobby Fischer on life: "All I want to do, ever, is to play chess.

Bobby Fischer died of kidney failure. He was 64.

It happened in Baghdad the other day, something that has never happened there before in the memory of any living Iraqi. It snowed.

All over the city, people came out and watched, together, the snow fall. And while it snowed, there were no killings. No kidnappings. No bombings. No beheadings. No fighting at all.

Then the snow stopped.

Time to play "Insert Punchline Here."

Opening on stage in Madrid, The Diary of Anne Frank, the musical.

(Insert Punchline Here.)

New on the market, a personal Taser stun-gun. It fits in a leopard print holster with a built in MP3 player.

Some possible songs to carry:

• Hit Me With Your Best Shot
• I Shot the Sheriff
• I've Got the Power
• Killing Me Softly
• Shock the Monkey
• (Add your own song here.)

Tulsa police say they arrested a possible terror suspect at Circuit City.

Police arrested a man trying to steal a computer. Then officers chased down his three accomplices in the getaway SUV, which contained more computers. All are described as Asian. One has almost the same name as a person on the terrorist watch list. The FBI was called.

There you have it. Foreign terrorists are infiltrating this country to take our computers. You heard it here first.

What ever happened to U.S. Senator Larry Craig?

He pleaded guilty to sexual solicitation in a Minnesota airport men's room, then said he wasn't guilty, now says that even if he did do it it wasn't illegal.

Craig, who promised to resign from the Senate, is still a senator.

Boeing is building some 787 Dreamliners with on-board computers that would allow the aircraft to be flown by remote control over the Internet.

Boeing says the computers are designed to absolutely prevent access by hackers. Can't happen. No way. Don't worry about it. Forget I even mentioned it.

From the cause and effect department --

• Citing the Virginia Tech shootings, the governor of Virginia is proposing a law to require background checks of gun buyers at gun shows, which would not have affected the Virginia Tech shooter because he didn't buy his guns at a gun show.
• Defending its voter I.D. law before the U.S. Supreme Court, the state of Indiana -- unable to document a single case of in-person voter fraud -- cited cases of absentee voting fraud, which would not be prevented by the voter I.D. law.

What do these laws have in common? They're like pissing in a dark suit. They give you a warm feeling while having no visible effect.

Iraqi policewomen have to give up their Glocks.

When U.S. soldiers rebuilt the Iraqi police force starting in 2004 they recruited a lot of women. But as we stood down, the Iraqis stood up and stopped hiring women. Policewomen already on the streets were transferred to desk jobs, and they're no longer allowed to have guns. Mind you, Iraqi policemen on desk jobs have guns to protect themselves after work, but not women.

An Iraqi official says, "Females are taken care of by men in this country."

Iraqi men like their women. They like them unarmed.

Quotation of the day --

"Young fellows go into our restaurants to find women folks sucking cigarettes. What happens? The young fellows lose all respect for the women. The next thing you know the young fellows, vampired by these smoking women, desert their homes, their wives and children, rob their employers and even commit murder so that they can get money to lavish on these smoking women"

-- New York City Alderman Peter McGuinness, 1922.

Like mosquitoes on an elephant, five Iranian speedboats harassed three U.S. warships in the Strait of Hormuz.

It happened Sunday morning in international waters. The speedboats were part of the Iranian Revolutionary Guard. The Iranians threatened to blow up the U.S. ships. No shots were fired.

The Pentagon said it was a dangerous provocation. The Iranian foreign ministry said they were just trying to "identify" the U.S. ships.

What's to identify? They're big! They're the size of freaking warships! They say U.S. on the side! Next question!

China and India are having their first ever war games this week.

The two countries fought their last real war in 1962.

As the replica of Christopher Columbus' ship sailed from Baton Rouge recently, a defective generator caught the synthetic canvas sails on fire.

This would never have happened to Chris.

Norman Lee Toler, serving time in Missouri, is demanding that the prison serve him kosher meals. He insists that he's Jewish, despite those Nazi tattoos.

Funny, he doesn't look Jewish.

The New York Times reports that the C.I.A. is planning a secret military operation to send Special Forces troops into rural Pakistan to hunt the Taliban and Al Qaeda.

Oops. No secret.

Happy New Year! Here's how some celebrated.

A zebra bound for North Carolina made a mad dash for freedom in Florida. She's back in custody. (The zebra's named Ann Curry, after the Today host.)

There are 303,146,284 of us in the U.S. this year -- up 2,846,103 from last year. The Census Bureau says we'll add one birth every eight seconds, one death every 11 seconds and one immigrant every 30 seconds for a net gain of one resident every 13 seconds.

There are new laws to follow. Minnesotans can only sell American flags made in the U.S.A. Kangaroo shoes (that's shoes made from kangaroos, not for kangaroos) can be imported to California. And Texas home sellers must reveal if the house was a meth lab.

France banned smoking in cafes. Merde!

As New Hampshire legalised civil unions, other couples around the world continued to live in uncivil unions.

Cyprus and Malta adopted the euro. Politicians withdrew the first euros from ceremonial ATMs.

Sarah Jane Moore, Gerald Ford's failed assassin, is a free woman. Squeaky Fromme is still in jail. John Hinkley is still crazy. Lee Harvey Oswald is still dead.

New Orleans counted its 209th murder, a new record for the city.

Louisville, Kentucky recorded it's 81st murder, a new record there. Police say most resulted from robberies, domestic disputes or the proverbial drug-deal-gone-bad.

Many cities begged residents not to shoot guns into the sky at midnight. New Orleans E.M.T techs wore Kevlar helmets for the night.

Iraqis welcomed the new year with fireworks, the largest set by a suicide bomber at the funeral of the victim of a suicide bomber. Thirty-seven died this time.

Palestinians in Gaza continued to kill each other; the new year's day death toll was five.

Kenyans celebrated their presidential election -- in which 115% of registered voters turned out -- as members of the loser's tribe hacked and burned to death members of the winner's tribe.

And in Bhutan, where the king decided to make his country a democracy, citizens went to the polls for their first election. There were no bombings, no shootings, no riots in the streets. Legislators were elected.