YOU'RE GONNA' DIE

The National Center for Health Statistics of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports that the life expectancy in the U.S. is now 78 years.

However, the total death rate from all causes is still 100%.

TODAY'S BOOK REVIEW

Today, a review of the novel "Deception Point" by Dan Brown, author of "The DaVinci Code."

Marc Aubriere reviews the novel. He was held hostage in Somalia for a month. The only book he had available was "Deception Point."

Aubriere says, "I read that book eight times. I hate that book now."

INSERT PUNCHLINE

"Spider-man: The Musical" is coming to Broadway.

(Insert you own punchline here.)

QUOTATION OF THE DAY

""I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out then under another Democrat president Jimmy Carter. And I'm not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it's an interesting coincidence."

-- Michele Bachman

RANDOM NEWS

A woman was killed in Ripley County, Missouri, when her motorcycle hit a deer. But hunters killed 2,858 deer in the county this year, so the deer are still behind.

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Colorado will no longer check to see if people who get special licence plates for the descendants of pioneers are really the descendants of pioneers.

Coming up next, who really came over on the Mayflower?
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A man who set out water jugs in the Arizona desert for Mexicans crossing into the U.S. was convicted of littering.

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No good deed shall go unpunished.

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A burglar armed with meat cleavers asked Los Angeles County Sheriff's Deputies to kill him.

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So they did.

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China executed a holding company chairman for embezzling a mere $14.6 million. Don'cha think Bernie Madoff is glad to be an American?

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This woman's got to get the narcissist of the year award.

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Betty Lichtenstein worked as a registered nurse in Connecticut. She paid for her own awards ceremony to receive the Connecticut Nursing Association's "Nurse of the Year" award.

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But it turns out that she didn't really win the award, there's no such association, and Betty's not really a nurse.

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It seems that cows kill about 20 people a year in the U.S., according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

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But given the number of cows killed by people each year, the cows are still behind.

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MAN'S HUMANITY TO MAN

The Japanese government will apologise for the Bataan Death March next year by inviting survivors of the march to Japan.

Japan will remember Bataan by forcing the survivors to march 60 miles through the Philippines in blistering heat without food or water with occasional beatings and executions along the way.

(I just made up that last part.)

VOICES OF UNREASON PART III

"Is all this what you want or expect in a universal health care bill being rushed through Congress? Do you want government agents coming into your home and telling you how to parent your children? When did government health care turn into government child care?"
-- Chuck Norris

“People such as scientist Stephen Hawking wouldn’t have a chance in the U.K., where the National Health Service would say the life of this brilliant man, because of his physical handicaps, is essentially worthless,”
-- Investors Business Daily (Note: Stephen Hawking was born in the U.K., has always lived there and lives there still.)

VOICES OF UNREASON PART II

The House bill "would make it mandatory -- absolutely require -- that every five years, people in Medicare have a required counseling session that will tell them how to end their life sooner, how to decline nutrition, how to decline being hydrated, how to go to hospice care."
-- Former New York Lieutenant Governor Betty McCaughey.


The House bill "may place older people in situations where they may feel pressured to sign end of life directives they would not otherwise sign. This provision may start us down a treacherous path toward government encouraged euthanasia if enacted into law."
-- Representative John Boehner.


"Euthanasia is another shovel ready job for Pelosi to assign to the states. Reducing health care costs under Obama's plan, after all, counts as economic stimulus, too -- controlling life, controlling death, controlling costs."
--American Spectator writer George Neumayr.

"Sometimes for the common good, you just have to say, 'Hey, grandpa, you've had a good life.'"
-- Fox's Glenn Beck.

"We should not have a government plan that will pull the plug on grandma."
-- Iowa Senator Charles Grassley.


"No one should be surprised at the coming embrace of euthanasia."
-- Columnist Cal Thomas.

VOICES OF UNREASON

"You may be dead in five years, they may euthanize you."

-- Val Butsicaric to Reprentative John Dingell at a town hall meeting in Michigan.

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"If they don't let us vent our frustrations out, they will have a revolution.

-- Mary Ann Fieser to Senator Claire McCaskill at a town hall meeting in Missouri.

"You are trampling on our Constitution. You and your cronies in the government do this kind of stuff all the time. One day God is going to stand before you and he's going to judge you."
-- Craig Anthony Miller to Senator Arlen Spector at a town hall meeting in Pennsylvania.



"It says right plainly here they want to limit the type of care the elderly can get. They are talking about killing people."
-- Laural Tobias to Senator Arlen Spector at a town hall meeting in Pennsylvania.

"This is about the dismantling of this country. We don't want this country to turn into Russia."
-- Katy Abram to Senator Arlen Spector at a town hall meeting in Pennsylvania..

"I know the years down the road I don't want my children coming up to me and asking me, 'Mom, why didn't you do anything? Why do we have to wait in line for, I don't know, toilet paper or anything?'"
-- Katy Abram, later, on Fox News.

"Euthanize Obama!"
-- an unnamed protester outside President Barack Obama's town hall meeting in New Hampshire.

IN LOCAL NEWS...

It's silly season in Tulsa, as local politicians prepare for the upcoming elections.

Republican Anna Falling is running for mayor. She says the most important thing she can do for Tulsa is to put a creationism display at the Tulsa Zoo. She told her supporters, "We need to first of all recognize the fact that God needs to be honored in this city."

She was answered with calls of "hallelujah."

She promised to appoint to government people who will "honor God." She later made it clear she was referring only to church going Christians. Jews evidently need not apply.

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City Councilor Jack Henderson, who is black, accused his fellow city counselors, who are white, of racism.

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The other counselors responded by claiming they are not either racist, so there.

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Chris Trail is running for the City Council. His background includes:

• A protective order against him from his wife.
• An arrest for food code violations.
• Outstanding tax liens.
• Personal bankruptcy.

Trail says all of that is behind him now.

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Karl Hulcher is running for the City Council. His background includes:

• A second degree arson conviction.
• A D.U.I. conviction.
• Charges of attempting to escape from an officer, reckless driving, leaving the scene of an accident, speeding and driving under suspension, all dismissed.
• Two domestic abuse charges involving his son, dismissed.
• A domestic abuse charge involving his father, dismissed.
• A protective order filed against him by his ex-wife.
• A protective order filed against him by his father.

Hulcher says all that is behind him now.

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In other local news...

The school district announced that most Tulsa public schools are on the No Child Left Behind Oklahoma School Improvement List. This does not mean schools have improved. This is government-speak. It means the schools are failing.

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The court has charged a Tulsa elementary school principal with contributing to the delinquency of a minor by encouraging two boys, 10 and 11 years old, to fight it out in the hallway. In fact, she had to pull one of the boys out of class to set up the fight.

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Meth labs are springing up around Tulsa, in country homes, apartments, motels, in the woods, vans and cars. Workers found the latest one on the steps of the State Services Building downtown. The building houses, among other agencies, the Oklahoma Highway Patrol.

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A BIRTHDAY SHOWER

Today is my birthday.

I've reached the big six-oh, as they call it. And although I know that base-ten counting is just another human construct, any age with a zero at the end causes me to evaluate my life.

So I'm depressed.

Still, a guy's got to work, so this morning I picked up my squad car, radioed a 10-8 and headed for my post.

Then, dispatch called my cell phone.

The dispatcher said this was probably a really stupid question but was I the guy who used to have a radio show?

I said yes.

He said he used to listen, and we talked and I felt really good.

Until we hung up and I realised that I used to be somebody and now I was just a rent-a-cop, a guy with a gun who guards places where nothing ever happens.

So I was depressed, again, in a deep down place that Paxil can't touch.

But tonight is the Perseid meteor shower, the most spectacular meteor shower of the year. And it happens every year on my birthday. Without fail.

So enjoy the star show. And happy birthday, whenever.

I HEART ANIMALS

Nevada is using Federal stimulus money to build an overpass for animals on U.S. 93. Now the chicken will be able to cross the road in safety and comfort.

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New Jersey is scrapping plans to sink old New York subway cars in the Atlantic to create an artificial reef. It turns out the cars are in such poor shape they're not even fit for the fish.

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LANGUAGE, LANGUAGE

Kentucky Attorney General Jack Conway is "one tough son of a bitch."

That's how he described himself in a speech at Saint Jerome Catholic Church in Fancy Farm, Kentucky.

The church is now revising its rules to ban profanity.

There'll be no more sons of bitches at Saint Jerome.

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The Eugene, Oregon, Water & Electric Board is changing the name of Lloyd Knox Water Board Park to Lloyd Knox Park.

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There'll be no water boarding at Lloyd Knox Park.

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QUOTATIONS FROM THE LUNATIC FRINGE

"This is a scary time in Washington. It's a very frightening time. I see Barack Obama is creating an enemies list of people who oppose this miserable health care plan. I think that's frightening. That's from a guy that can't even show a long-form birth certificate. I think we all ought to be prepared to fight that."

-- Oklahoma First District Congressman John Sullivan in remarks to the Tulsa Republican Club.


"The America I know and love is not one in which my parents or my baby with Down Syndrome will have to stand in front of Obama's 'death panel' so his bureaucrats can decide, based on a subjective judgment of their 'level of productivity in society,' whether they are worthy of health care. Such a system is downright evil."

-- Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin

TRAVEL TIPS

Looking for a country music concert this weekend? Try Mirande, France.

It's the Festival de Country Music de Mirande, held every year at this time. It's a six day festival; 160,000 people are expected.

There are some country acts from the states, but many of the bands are French. Most sing in English, and some even speak it.

Most of the visitors are French, many of them dressed as cowboys and Indians. The Grand Cafe Glacier is redone as an old western saloon. A large stadium near the center of town sells la culture country: Stetson hats, "authentic" Sioux Indian duds, western regalia, cowboy paraphernalia, and goat cheese.

There are two ballrooms, a concert stage and a line dancing stage where the 31 line dancing clubs can show their stuff.

Why cowboys? Why not?

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While in France, go to the Tarzan exhibit at the Musee du Quai in Paris. See old comics, film clips, action figures, African totems a stuffed crocodile and the female robot from the movie "Metropolis."

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Why Metropolis? Why not?

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Why Tarzan? The newspaper "Liberation," in a review of the exhibit, said, "One can expound as much as one likes in scientific speeches about his mythical and universal nature, but one always gets back to the fact that Tarzan is a half naked guy saving white skinned young women, lost in the jungle and wearing their party dresses, from the claws of vicious gorillas."

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(NYT)

QUOTATIONS OF THE DAY

"Killer of beasts and many black men."

-- Tarzan, describing himself in Edgar Rice Burroughs' "Tarzan of the Apes."


"This room has 14 Rembrandts; let's move on."

-- Unnamed tour guide at the Hermitage Museum in Leningrad.

COVERING THE NEWS RELIGIOUSLY

A riot broke out at the local water park last night.

The were 3,500 people at Big Splash Water Park when large fights started breaking out. Police responded, the park was closed, and the fights moved out to the parking lot. As police dispersed the crowd, some rioters started looting the grocery store across the street.

Did I mention that this was a Christian gathering?

It was a "Waves of Worship" event, billed as a Christian youth night, with Christian bands playing, sponsored by the local Christian radio station. Local churches arranged for groups to attend.

But the park manager says the cheap $5 admission brought out "the wrong crowd."

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God has gone online.

• Jews can pray at the Western Wall in Jerusalem by tweeting @thekotel. Tweets will be printed out and stuck in a crevice of the wall.
• Christians can pray at the Church of the Holy Sepulchre in Jerusalem by tweeting @PrayForGod or at holylandprayer.com.
• The Calvin Institute of Christian Worship in Grand Rapids, Michigan, has six prayer feeds on Twitter. Find them at prayerontwitter.com.
• Catholics can pray at Lourdes. Your prayers will be placed in the healing grotto if you send them to lourdes-france.org.
• Say the rosary with other pilgrims at Fatima; the address is fatima.org.
• Or light a 48 hour candle at gratefullness.org.
• Buddhists have some iPhone applications like Mani Wheel, OmWheel or iPrayerwheel. Or you can log on www.manikorlo.org to spin a prayer wheel in Budapest, Hungary.
• Musims can use Salaat Time 2.0 Prayer Times for Mobiles or iPray to tell where to pray, when to pray and how to pray, and get an electronic call to prayer.
• Hindus can access the Shiv Shakkti Peeth center in New York to worship Ganesha, Hanumana, Krishna, Shiva or Rama.

But I have a question. If God is omnipotent, omniscient and omnipresent, why does He need to go online?

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Pope Benedict XVI has signed with Geffen records for his new album, titled "Alma Mater." It will be released November 30th, just in time for Christmas. The album includes:

• The Pope singing "Regina Coeli."
• The Philharmonic Academy of Rome Choir singing in Saint Peter's Basilica.
• The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra.

But don't expect any rock and roll. The Pope says it's "an expression of base passions."

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The American Psychological Association says there is no treatment that can turn gays straight. The Association says even trying can do a lot of damage. The APA says that if a person's sexual orientation and their church's teachings conflict, they should change churches.

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IT HAPPENED BACK THEN

1969 was a year to remember. The world shaking events 40 years ago included, in no particular order,

• Apollo 11 and mankind's first landing on the moon,
• the Manson Family massacre,
• the death of Mary Jo Kopechne at Chappaquiddick,
• The Woodstock Music Festival,
• and on the same weekend, my wedding. I shoulda' gone to Woodstock instead.

BUT THEN, WHAT IS?

“Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.”

-- Peter De Vries

IT PROVES THE POINT

The "Birthers" say they know for a fact that President Barack Obama is not a U.S. citizen because he was not born in the United States.

So Obama posted his birth certificate on the Internet and had it examined by a number of investigators.

But the birthers say the certificate is a forgery.

How do they know that?

Because it says that Obama was born in the United States.

Ipso facto. Dipsy doodle.

It's hard to argue with that kind of logic.

QUOTATION OF THE DAY

"Denali, the great one, soaring under the midnight sun. And then the extremes. In the winter time it's the frozen road that is competing with the view of ice fogged frigid beauty, the cold though, doesn't it split the Cheechakos from the Sourdoughs?"

-- Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin

BABIES STIRRED AND SHAKEN

Every year about this time, hundreds of Muslims and Hindus gather at India's Muslim Baba Umer Durga Shrine to drop their babies off the roof. The babies are shaken first and generally scream on the way down, where they're caught 50 feet below by parents holding bedsheets.

In most places this would bring charges of child abuse. But in India it's said to bring good health and prosperity to the parents.

The Gods must be crazy.