The lead writer for Your Show of Shows -- starring Sid Caesar and Imogene Coca -- died Monday. Mel Tolken -- born Shmuel Tolchinsky -- was 94.

Tolken supervised a writers' room that variously included Woody Allen, Mel Brooks, Larry Gelbart and Neil Simon.

When the writers slowed, Tolken was known to shout, "Gentlemen, we've got to get something done! Jews all over America will be watching Saturday night!"

A new Columbia University report says that CT scans, those super X-rays that can detect cancer, can also cause cancer.

Sometimes you can't win for losing.

Wisconsin deer hunting season just ended. The death toll is --

• deer, 171,000
• hunters, 3

U.S. troops killed four passengers in a minibus -- three of them women -- at a Baghdad checkpoint.

U.S. Military Spokesman Rear Admiral Gregory Smith says the civilians were killed by warning shots.

They've been warned.

Isn't it ironic.

Director Bruce Thompson of the New Mexico Department of Game and Fish has confessed to illegal deer hunting.

The Texas State Library and Archives Commission concludes that the state just issues too many reports, as they outlined in a 668 page report.

Assistant Director Cylenthia Clark of the Fulton County, Georgia, Division of Family and Children Services was indicted on charges she made her 8-year-old daughter strip down to her underwear and then beat the girl 34 times with a leather belt.

To vote in Virginia's Republican primary, it's not enough to just register as a Republican. You must also sign an oath swearing loyalty to the Republican party and promising to vote for the Republican presidential nominee in the general election.

The State Board of Elections approved this. No word on how it will be enforced.

Inflation in Zimbabwe last month was 7,982%. But this month, says the country's chief statistician, there's such a shortage of consumer goods that inflation cannot be calculated.

Inflation in Zimbabwe approaches infinity.

J. Robert Cade died this week. He was 80. Cade was a Professor of Nephrology at the University of Florida. But he's best remembered as the inventor of Gatorade,

I'll drink to that.

Cade also invented -- in the 1970s -- Hop'n Gator, a fruity alcoholic drink. That one never really caught on.

Quidditch has come to our plane of reality.

You know, the Harry Potter game.

The Middlebury Mollywobbles defeated Vassar at this year's Intercollegiate Quidditch World Cup Fall Festival in Vermont.

The game involves two teams of twelve people each running around holding broomsticks between their legs and chasing the golden snitch.

Harry Potter's golden snitch was a magical flying orb, but in this game it's a guy running across the field with a tennis ball hanging from his shorts.

The object is to grab it. The tennis ball, not the shorts.

Has this hit U-Tube yet? It should be a hoot, maybe even funnier than those nut jobs with the light sabres who keep turning up.

Tradition can come back to haunt you.

It's a yearly tradition for the president to invite winners of Nobel prizes to the White House.

Even when a winner is the guy you stole the election from.

And that's how Al Gore came to be sharing a photo-op with the president in the Oval Office.

It was enough to send the Vice President into atrial fibrillation.

Al Gore had a 40 minute private meeting with George Bush. Gore says they spent the entire time discussing global warming.

Right.

And at the end of the day, doctors shocked Dick Cheny's heart back to life. There's no truth to the rumor that the procedure took place in a mountaintop castle, and involved lightning.

He's alive! He's alive!

I love this feelgood story about the Fairfield, Connecticut Fire Department that uses a thermal imaging camera to find people who are trapped in a fire.

It works on the principal that people are either hotter or colder than a fire. I'm not sure about the technical details.

Anyway, in Sunday's fire the department couldn't find any humans but they did rescue two cats.

In a perfect universe, God would judge people by how good they are to cats.

San Francisco plans to make available city photo I.D. cards that don't reference citizenship or gender.

The cards will primarily benefit illegal immigrants.

But the move is also applauded by the transgender community.

Not all agree. The Family Research Council says that the cards will encourage the idea that gender identity is flexible.

And their point is?

Quotation of the day --

"It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods, or no god. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg."

-- Thomas Jefferson

So it's Thanksgiving, and we celebrate that first meal when the pilgrims from the Mayflower sat down in Plymouth with the Indians to give thanks.

Wait, not so fast.

Virginia claims that Jamestown, the new world's first permanent English settlement, was the scene of that first Thanksgiving dinner, thirteen years before the Mayflower landed.

Wait, not so fast.

Florida has staked a claim for the first Thanksgiving. The Spanish explorer Pedro Menendez de Aviles and his crew sat down with the Timucua Indians for the feast of St. Augustine, in what is now the town of St. Augustine, 56 years before the Mayflower. The Nombre de Dios Mission founded by Menendez still stands there, the site of the first permanent settlement in America.

That means the first Thanksgiving, that uniquely American holiday, was in Spanish.

Take that, Lou Dobbs.

And about that Plymouth rock thing. That's not true either.

Like George Washington's cherry tree and Betsy Ross's flag, the Plymouth Rock story is another bit of invented history.

In none of the writings of the pilgrims is there any mention of Plymouth Rock.

The story of how the pilgrims landed there on the Mayflower didn't pop up until 120 years after the event, told by an old man who said he heard it from his father. There was no other supporting evidence.

And the stone known as Plymouth Rock is only a shadow of its former self -- one third of its former self, actually, after centuries of souvenir hunters chipping pieces off it.

Coming up later -- the truth about Santa Claus.

Quotation of the day --

"Is God willing to prevent evil but not able? Then he is impotent. Is he able but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Whence, then, evil."

-- Epicurus

I was a child who played on the jungle gym made of steel pipe in a Brooklyn playground made of concrete. There I'd hang by my legs, upside down, my head a yard above the hard cement that never did splatter my skull.

The early Sesame Street is out on DVD -- "Sesame Street: Old School" volumes one and two -- with a warning label: "These early 'Sesame Street' episodes are intended for grown-ups, and may not suit the needs of today's preschool child."

How sad. It makes me want to ride my bike downhill, fast, without hands or helmet. Just like I used to.

As Oklahoma celebrated 100 years of statehood, a group marched on the capital to protest illegal immigration.

The protesters were American Indians.

The illegal immigrants were white men.

And women.

A hundred years ago Oklahoma was Indian country.

But not anymore.

And that's where immigration can lead.

Coal-energy causalities this week:

• 63 dead in a Ukraine mine explosion
• 37 trapped
• 28 injures

Natural gas causalities this week:

• 28 dead in a Saudi Arabia pipeline explosion
• 12 missing

Nuclear energy causalities in the U.S. this century:

• none

Revenuers in Nashville seized a three litre bottle of Jack Daniels, a bottle so large it cannot be legally sold in the U.S.

And that's a fact, Jack.

The Hollywood Prayer Network -- five thousand Christians strong -- prays for celebrities.

They pray for Paris Hilton. They pray for Britney Spears.

Britney is their number one prayer request.

They take prayer walks on studio lots, handing out stickers -- to put on your remote control -- that say, "Pray for this show."

They sell red bracelets stamped 90028. That's the Hollywood zip code.

Never say the movies haven't got a prayer.

Not a legal resident?

No driver's licence for you!

I'm talking about Mexico, here.

In the U.S., eight states allow driver's licenses for illegal immigrants.

But not Mexico. All 31 Mexican states and the District of Mexico City require proof of citizenship or a work visa.

Isn't it ironical?

Coming to Branson, Missouri, Noah - The Musical, featuring:

• 40 actors*
• live animals
• camels - horses - llamas - dogs - birds - and more
• 2 of each, of course
• two million watts of lighting
• surround sound
• football field size stage
• four story ark

The Bible just doesn't get any better than this.

*Only eight actors make it onto the ark, of course.

From Braun, the Oral-B ProfessionalCare 9900 Triumph electric toothbrush with Wireless Smart Guide, a wireless display that monitors brushing pressure, brush wear, elapsed time, and has a programmable custom brushing mode.

And just in time for Christmas. It's for the person who has everything except a Braun Oral-B ProfessionalCare 9900 Triumph electric toothbrush with Wireless Smart Guide and programmable custom brushing mode.

There will be no election watchdogs in Russia this time.

Elections are December 2. But Russia delayed the visas and laid down so many restrictions about how many foreign election observers they'd allow, where they could go, and when they could report, that the Office for Democratic and Human Rights of the Organization for Security and Cooperation in Europe just gave up.

On the other hand, I can understand Russia's resistance. Imagine how we'd feel if the United Nations were to send some committee to the U.S. to see that our next presidential election was fair and accurate.

On the third hand, I kind of like the idea.

The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops has issued a statement on "faithful citizenship."

The statement says, in part, "A Catholic cannot vote for a candidate who takes a position in favor of an intrinsic evil, such as abortion..." It informs Catholics that such votes, "also may affect their salvation."

In other words, VOTE REPUBLICAN OR GO TO HELL.

It's time for another round of "Insert punchline here."

This story is verbatim from Agence France-Presse via The New York Times:

SUDAN: APOLOGY FOR SURGICAL MIX-UP

.

Health Minister David Homeli Mwakyusa has apologised in Parliament for a surgical mix-up this month that resulted in a knee patient's undergoing a complex brain operation. The brain patient had knee surgery.

.

(Insert punchline here.)

Svitlana Parnyuk, walking home from a New Jersey Mini Mart where she had just bought a lottery ticket, was hit by a car and killed.

And she lost the lottery, too.

Tens of thousands of joyous Palestinians filled the streets of Gaza to remember the third anniversary of the death of Yasir Arafat.

The death toll was six.

Fatah members say Hamas police did the shooting.

But a Hamas policeman said they had to respond after Fatah people threw rocks and called them names.

A new opinion poll says that 40% of Palestinians most trust the Fatah party.

25% most trust the Hamas party.

The rest trust no one. Good call.

A Washington man tried to loosen the lug nut on his Lincoln Continental with a shotgun.

He was hit with buckshot all over his body, but he'll survive.

He'd been trying to get the lug nut off for two weeks.

Police say the incident was not alcohol related.

I guess that when your best tool is a shotgun, all your problems look like lug nuts.

Talk about your mobile home!

Saudi Arabian Prince Alwaleed bin Talal is buying a flying palace.

The Airbus A380 has two stories and 6,000 feet of floor space. It stands as tall as a seven story building with a wingspan the length of a football field. The plane costs $320 million without furnishings.

It'll be furnished with private private bedrooms and maybe a movie theater or a gym with jacuzzi. It takes a crew of 15.

The prince is trading up from a Boeing 747.

Air Force One is a 747.

It's good to be prince.

A new study says that kids who watch a lot of TV are more likely to have sex by age 15.

And the University of Wisconsin study says that the more TV kids watch, the more sex they have.

Funny, but that never worked for me when I was that age.

In fact, if I'd had more sex -- make that, any sex -- I'd have watched a lot less TV.

Just in time for the presidential campaign the book Target: Caught in the Crosshairs of Bill and Hillary Clinton by Kathleen Willey, published by World Ahead, in which the author reveals that...

• President Clinton sexually assaulted her in the Oval Office.
• Her husband was murdered on the same day. "They" said it was suicide.
• Her husband had shady financial dealings with the Clintons.
• Hillary hired a detective to kill her cats.
• Hillary was late in paying the detective's bill.
• A mysterious burglar broke into her home and stole only the manuscript of this book. Luckily, she had another copy.
• The Clintons have an army of secret police.
• Bill is an exiled ruler from the planet Zanfoort and Hillary is an escapee from an evil alternate universe. They have come to Earth to steal our living essence and use it to build an invincible army of daemons with which to take over the galaxy and remake it in their image.

OK, I just made up that last one.

Pat Robertson has endorsed Rudy Giuliani for president.

It's not they agree on abortion rights. Rudy's for it, Pat's against it.

It's not that they agree on gay marriage. Rudy's for it, Pat's against it.

In fact, Pat said it was because of America's tolerance of abortion and homosexuality that God let Islamic terrorists bring down the World Trade building.

But now Pat says he believes that Rudy can defend the country against "the blood lust of Islamic terrorists."

Pat enthusiastically says, "Rudy Giuliani is without question an acceptable candidate."

And Pat says that Rudy "can win the general election."

Because winning isn't everything. It's the only thing.

And now let's play "Insert punchline here."

This year there was a Muslim float in San Francisco's Gay Pride Parade.

(Insert punchline here.)

Parents magazine asked 1,006 parents which presidential candidate they would most trust to babysit their children.

Most parents -- 26% -- said Hillary Clinton.

Then the magazine asked which candidate they would least trust to babysit their children.

Most parents -- 25% -- said Hillary Clinton.

Sometimes you just can't win.

Or lose.

Once upon a time -- actually, last Tuesday -- in the usually peaceful Afghan town of Baghlan, eighteen strangers came to visit.

The strangers were members of Parliament, and they came to visit the sugar factory that brought the town wealth and happiness.

Townspeople jammed the street to see the lawmakers and schoolchildren lined up to greet them. The children shook the visitors' hands, and one teenager presented them with a bouquet of red and pink roses.

And then a suicide bomber blew them up.

Some survived.

The end.

Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers filed a lawsuit against his state's use of the electric chair. But the Lancaster County District Court ruled against him, saying he had no standing because he had never been injured by an electric chair.

Warning!

You know those Billy Bob teeth people buy and wear for a gag? Some of them contain dangerous levels of lead. Lead can cause permanent brain damage.

So those teeth can actually turn you into what you're trying to look like.

The watermelon is now Oklahoma's official state vegetable.

Observers aren't sure the watermelon is a vegetable.

Nevertheless, the Legislature voted on it, and that makes it so.

The Vienna Divorce Fair on Saturday was a one stop shopping place for those about to split the sheets. Services included:

• Detectives for hostile breakups.
• Paternity testing for really hostile breakups.
• Real estate agents for those who agree to split the property.
• Mediators for those who don't agree.
• Conflict management for those who really don't agree.
• Social workers for those who just can't decide.
• The Roman Catholic Church for those who prefer annulments.
• Makeovers for women back on the make.
• Dating services for women not making it.
• Lawyers. Lots of lawyers.

Dog shoots man.

There's at least one story like this every year at the beginning of hunting season, this time in Iowa. When James Harris went to retrieve a pheasant he'd just shot, he laid his shotgun on the ground. His dog stepped on the gun and shot the hunter.

This guy was lucky. He survived. Others haven't.

Remember, guns don't kill people. Dogs do.

The Hard Rock Park opening in Myrtle Beach will have a "Knights in White Satin - The Trip" ride.

I don't want to sound like just another whining baby boomer who misses the sixties, and I was never a big Moody blues fan, but -- to take an iconic song for a decade and a generation and turn it into a thrill ride at a theme park, that's just wrong. That would be like using Beatles songs for TV commercials or the Rolling Stones playing Vegas.

No. Don't tell me.

Just in time for Hanukkah, there's the kosher cell phone.

Rates are two cents per minute six days a week, but $2.44 per minute on the sabbath -- to discourage you from phoning on the day of rest.

The phone won't text message, take pictures or connect to the Internet -- to protect you from temptation.

And the phone blocks more than 10,000 numbers for phone sex and dating, to protect you from -- well, to protect you from phone sex and dating.

Seen on a bumper sticker in Tulsa --

"Jesus is coming. Look busy."