NEW YORK'S PAPER OF NON-RECORD

"The New York Post" is one of my guilty pleasures. It's a rag. I like it.

My wife took a business trip to Manhattan and picked me up a copy. Here's what I learned:

• Michael Jackson's doctor killed his patient with a shot of propopol.
• The jealous wife of a cheating husband poured a pot of scalding water on his genitals. The headline read, "Great Balls Afire!"
• Madonna's love letters to her ex are up for auction, including the one that says, "Just watched the HBO special... My booty looked good and you should see how good it looks in person. It looks Bootyful!"
• Rachael Hunter is fighting depression after hockey star Jarret Stoll dumped her. (Who is Rachael Hunter?)
• When Hugh Hefner dies he will be buried next to Marlyn Monroe. He paid $1 million for the plot.
• A flock of doves released at a wedding is starving to death in Flushing Meadow Park.
• Two teenage would-be purse snatchers in Greenwich Village used an umbrella to batter a woman, but she wasn't seriously hurt and they got nothing but arrested.
• My horoscope says I know what people will say before they say it. (But I knew it would say that.)