THEY'RE NOT LIKE US, YOU KNOW

Who is a citizen of Oklahoma? 

Senate Bill 898, if passed, would finally settle that once and for all. To be a citizen of Oklahoma you would have to be born in the U.S.A. and have at least one parent who is a citizen. Non citizens of Oklahoma would not be allowed to own property in the state.

That means that some legitimate U.S. citizens would not be Oklahoma citizens or able to own property here.

State Senator Ralph Shorty, who is an Oklahoma citizen, says "We're not saying they (non-citizens) are less than human. What we're saying is they are not Americans and have no rights thereof."

Of course, this is all about Mexicans. Oklahomans like their Mexicans. They'd like them to be somewhere else.

READ ALL ABOUT IT

The Pentagon is declassifying the Pentagon Papers.

The papers are a record of America's secret history in Vietnam. They were stolen and published 40 years ago and have been widely available since. Still they were officially a secret all this time.

Today the Pentagon Papers, tomorrow the Wikileaks.

FREEDOM OF ASSEMBLY

Arab-American demonstrators rallied in Bixby, Oklahoma.

They carried signs reading "Democracy for Egypt" and "Honk your horns."

They chanted "Freedom must come." 

The police did not shoot them or beat them. 

Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak resigned. 

And everybody went home.

THOSE WACKY WEGISWATORS

A Maine legislator has introduced a bill to legalize switchblade knives for one-armed people.

I'm not making this up.

OOPS

At her swearing-in on Monday, Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin promised to "support, obey and offend" the constitution. 

She's not alone. 

Presidents Barack Obama, Calvin Coolidge and Chester A. Arthur also managed to mangle their oaths of office.

QUOTATION OF THE DAY

"I think that governor's phone is broke.  He hadn't (sic) called yet."

-- The last words of convicted killer Jeffery David Matthews, executed last night at the Oklahoma State Penitentiary.

OOPS!

Salman Taseer, governor of Pakistan's Punjab province, received so many death threats that he never traveled without a bodyguard. 

In fact, it was his bodyguard who finally assassinated him yesterday.

GETTING HIGH FOR THE END TIMES

Surely this must be a sign of the end times.

Pat Robertson has come out for the legalization of marijuana.

"I'm not exactly for the use of drugs, don't get me wrong, but I just believe that criminalizing marijuana, criminalizing the possession of a few ounces of pot, that kinda thing it's just, it's costing us a fortune and it's ruining young people. Young people go into prisons, they go in as youths and come out as hardened criminals. That's not a good thing."

-- Christian Coalition founder Pat Robertson on a recent segment of his 700 Club television show.

SIGNS

I was in Dallas the other day when there was an Amber alert.  The electronic highway signs read:

Kidnapped Girl

Slvr Ford Focus

Call Police

And I thought how I'd hate to be driving a silver Ford Focus that day. 

At a Tulsa beauty salon the sign reads:

Waxing $5 and Up

So I wonder how they price?  Does it depend on your level of hairyness or how good a job you want done?

I'm just askin'.

NIXON, ON TAPE

From some newly released Richard Nixon tapes, Nixon on the Irish:
"The Irish can’t drink. What you always have to remember with the Irish is they get mean. Virtually every Irish I’ve known gets mean when he drinks. Particularly the real Irish.”

Nixon on Italians:
“The Italians, of course, those people course don’t have their heads screwed on tight. They are wonderful people, but...” (Voice trails off."
 
Nixon on Jews:
“The Jews are just a very aggressive and abrasive and obnoxious personality.”


 

CHAPPY CHANUKKAH

Tonight is the first night of the Jewish celebration of Hanukah, or Festival of Lights.

The story of Hanukkah is told in the Book of Maccabees.  That book is not part of the Jewish bible.  However, it is part of the Catholic bible.  But Catholics don't celebrate Chanukkah.  Go figure.

(How do you spell Chanukah?  Any way you want.)

KRISTALLNACHT.

I put my electric menorah in the window tonight and lit the first bulb.  So now the neighbors know I'm Jewish. 

There's an old Jewish tradition from the old country that when the goyim find out you're Jewish, they come around at night and break your windows.

QUOTATION OF THE DAY

"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land."

-- Jon Stewart

BEWARE THE BIRD

The media are all over the latest round of scare stories.  This time it's about Thanksgiving.  The primary dangers are these:

• Stuffing cooked in the bird can carry salmonella, which can can cause food poisoning, which can lead to death.
• Overeating can lead to fatness, which can lead to heart disease, which is a leading cause of death.
• Drinking too much can cause drunkenness, which can lead to death.
• Putting up Christmas lights can lead to electrocution.

So have a safe... Oh, forget it.  Stuff yourself with stuffing.  Eat too much.  Drink too much.  Then climb out onto the roof with a string of Christmas lights.  Live life on the edge.

Have a fun Thanksgiving.

LAW AND ORDER

The Roselle Park, New Jersey city council has banned people from sleeping in cars, parks, and public places. 

The law applies to rich and poor alike.

***

Boise, Idaho police arrested a woman who was feeling up other woman in bars by impersonating a plastic surgeon and giving breast exams.

On my best night I could not have pulled off that line.

***

University of New Mexico campus cops ticketed a vehicle three times before they noticed the dead driver in the front seat,

The upside:  She won't have to pay the parking fines.

***

Los Angeles will help homeless people who live in their cars to find overnight parking.

###

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE

So this jogger dropped dead a few blocks from my house the other day.

Marcus Takach was 27-years-old.  He was ten miles into the Route 66 half marathon when he died of sudden cardiac arrest.  His last words were, "Help me!"

His father called Marcus a "fitness nut."

In the five-year history of the event, Marcus is the second to die.

This is why I avoid exercise.  It'll kill ya'.

COCKTAIL SAUCE WITH THAT?

Scientists have found the world's oldest shrimp... right here in Oklahoma.

The shrimp is 375-million years old.  Back then, Oklahoma was an ocean.

The shrimp is three inches long, which would qualify as a jumbo shrimp.

The shrimp is fossilised and inedible.

The shrimp's name is Aciculopoda Mapes.

That's one giant name for shrimp.

The shrimp will be housed in the Smithsonian, along with 3000 sea slugs, Harry Truman's bowling pins and Kermit T. Frog.

LOOK FOR THE UNION LABEL

Washington Democrats and Republicans have finally come together on something.

The House of Representatives has passed the All American Flag Act.  It requires the federal government to only buy American flags that are actually made in America.  The Senate is expected to go along.

Most American flags are made in China.

And aren't Chinese/American flags one of the major problems facing our country today?

QUOTATIONS

"In America, any boy may become president.  And I suppose it's just one of the risks he takes."
-- Adlai Stevenson

"The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter."
-- Winston Churchill