The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops has issued a statement on "faithful citizenship."

The statement says, in part, "A Catholic cannot vote for a candidate who takes a position in favor of an intrinsic evil, such as abortion..." It informs Catholics that such votes, "also may affect their salvation."

In other words, VOTE REPUBLICAN OR GO TO HELL.

It's time for another round of "Insert punchline here."

This story is verbatim from Agence France-Presse via The New York Times:

SUDAN: APOLOGY FOR SURGICAL MIX-UP

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Health Minister David Homeli Mwakyusa has apologised in Parliament for a surgical mix-up this month that resulted in a knee patient's undergoing a complex brain operation. The brain patient had knee surgery.

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(Insert punchline here.)

Svitlana Parnyuk, walking home from a New Jersey Mini Mart where she had just bought a lottery ticket, was hit by a car and killed.

And she lost the lottery, too.

Tens of thousands of joyous Palestinians filled the streets of Gaza to remember the third anniversary of the death of Yasir Arafat.

The death toll was six.

Fatah members say Hamas police did the shooting.

But a Hamas policeman said they had to respond after Fatah people threw rocks and called them names.

A new opinion poll says that 40% of Palestinians most trust the Fatah party.

25% most trust the Hamas party.

The rest trust no one. Good call.

A Washington man tried to loosen the lug nut on his Lincoln Continental with a shotgun.

He was hit with buckshot all over his body, but he'll survive.

He'd been trying to get the lug nut off for two weeks.

Police say the incident was not alcohol related.

I guess that when your best tool is a shotgun, all your problems look like lug nuts.

Talk about your mobile home!

Saudi Arabian Prince Alwaleed bin Talal is buying a flying palace.

The Airbus A380 has two stories and 6,000 feet of floor space. It stands as tall as a seven story building with a wingspan the length of a football field. The plane costs $320 million without furnishings.

It'll be furnished with private private bedrooms and maybe a movie theater or a gym with jacuzzi. It takes a crew of 15.

The prince is trading up from a Boeing 747.

Air Force One is a 747.

It's good to be prince.

A new study says that kids who watch a lot of TV are more likely to have sex by age 15.

And the University of Wisconsin study says that the more TV kids watch, the more sex they have.

Funny, but that never worked for me when I was that age.

In fact, if I'd had more sex -- make that, any sex -- I'd have watched a lot less TV.

Just in time for the presidential campaign the book Target: Caught in the Crosshairs of Bill and Hillary Clinton by Kathleen Willey, published by World Ahead, in which the author reveals that...

• President Clinton sexually assaulted her in the Oval Office.
• Her husband was murdered on the same day. "They" said it was suicide.
• Her husband had shady financial dealings with the Clintons.
• Hillary hired a detective to kill her cats.
• Hillary was late in paying the detective's bill.
• A mysterious burglar broke into her home and stole only the manuscript of this book. Luckily, she had another copy.
• The Clintons have an army of secret police.
• Bill is an exiled ruler from the planet Zanfoort and Hillary is an escapee from an evil alternate universe. They have come to Earth to steal our living essence and use it to build an invincible army of daemons with which to take over the galaxy and remake it in their image.

OK, I just made up that last one.

Pat Robertson has endorsed Rudy Giuliani for president.

It's not they agree on abortion rights. Rudy's for it, Pat's against it.

It's not that they agree on gay marriage. Rudy's for it, Pat's against it.

In fact, Pat said it was because of America's tolerance of abortion and homosexuality that God let Islamic terrorists bring down the World Trade building.

But now Pat says he believes that Rudy can defend the country against "the blood lust of Islamic terrorists."

Pat enthusiastically says, "Rudy Giuliani is without question an acceptable candidate."

And Pat says that Rudy "can win the general election."

Because winning isn't everything. It's the only thing.

And now let's play "Insert punchline here."

This year there was a Muslim float in San Francisco's Gay Pride Parade.

(Insert punchline here.)

Parents magazine asked 1,006 parents which presidential candidate they would most trust to babysit their children.

Most parents -- 26% -- said Hillary Clinton.

Then the magazine asked which candidate they would least trust to babysit their children.

Most parents -- 25% -- said Hillary Clinton.

Sometimes you just can't win.

Or lose.

Once upon a time -- actually, last Tuesday -- in the usually peaceful Afghan town of Baghlan, eighteen strangers came to visit.

The strangers were members of Parliament, and they came to visit the sugar factory that brought the town wealth and happiness.

Townspeople jammed the street to see the lawmakers and schoolchildren lined up to greet them. The children shook the visitors' hands, and one teenager presented them with a bouquet of red and pink roses.

And then a suicide bomber blew them up.

Some survived.

The end.

Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers filed a lawsuit against his state's use of the electric chair. But the Lancaster County District Court ruled against him, saying he had no standing because he had never been injured by an electric chair.

Warning!

You know those Billy Bob teeth people buy and wear for a gag? Some of them contain dangerous levels of lead. Lead can cause permanent brain damage.

So those teeth can actually turn you into what you're trying to look like.

The watermelon is now Oklahoma's official state vegetable.

Observers aren't sure the watermelon is a vegetable.

Nevertheless, the Legislature voted on it, and that makes it so.

The Vienna Divorce Fair on Saturday was a one stop shopping place for those about to split the sheets. Services included:

• Detectives for hostile breakups.
• Paternity testing for really hostile breakups.
• Real estate agents for those who agree to split the property.
• Mediators for those who don't agree.
• Conflict management for those who really don't agree.
• Social workers for those who just can't decide.
• The Roman Catholic Church for those who prefer annulments.
• Makeovers for women back on the make.
• Dating services for women not making it.
• Lawyers. Lots of lawyers.

Dog shoots man.

There's at least one story like this every year at the beginning of hunting season, this time in Iowa. When James Harris went to retrieve a pheasant he'd just shot, he laid his shotgun on the ground. His dog stepped on the gun and shot the hunter.

This guy was lucky. He survived. Others haven't.

Remember, guns don't kill people. Dogs do.

The Hard Rock Park opening in Myrtle Beach will have a "Knights in White Satin - The Trip" ride.

I don't want to sound like just another whining baby boomer who misses the sixties, and I was never a big Moody blues fan, but -- to take an iconic song for a decade and a generation and turn it into a thrill ride at a theme park, that's just wrong. That would be like using Beatles songs for TV commercials or the Rolling Stones playing Vegas.

No. Don't tell me.

Just in time for Hanukkah, there's the kosher cell phone.

Rates are two cents per minute six days a week, but $2.44 per minute on the sabbath -- to discourage you from phoning on the day of rest.

The phone won't text message, take pictures or connect to the Internet -- to protect you from temptation.

And the phone blocks more than 10,000 numbers for phone sex and dating, to protect you from -- well, to protect you from phone sex and dating.

Seen on a bumper sticker in Tulsa --

"Jesus is coming. Look busy."