LOOKING FOR ISLAM

The Oklahoma chapter of the Council on American-Islamic Relations scheduled a meeting at Melody Hal in Moore to discuss how to reach out to the community and explain that they are not terrorists.

Another group, lead by congressional candidate Kevin Calvey, came to protest the meeting. Calvey claims the council is a terrorist front.

But the Muslims, hearing of the protest, moved their meeting to an Oklahoma City Mosque.

So with nothing left to protest, the protesters adjourned to a nearby Brahms for ice cream and coffee.

This reminds me of one of those road runner cartoons where the bird outwits the wily coyote.

Perhaps Calvey needs an Acme brand Muslin detector. And some torches and pitchforks for his mob.

SHORT STORIES

LEOPARDS IN THE TEMPLE
A short story in its entirety,
by Franz Kafka

Leopards break into the temple and drink to the dregs what is in the sacrificial pitchers; this is repeated over and over again; finally it can be calculated in advance, and it becomes a part of the ceremony.

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BABY SHOES
A short story in its entirety,
by Ernest Hemingway

For sale: baby shoes, never worn.

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QUOTATIONS OF THE DAY

"... an irresponsible, homophobic, racist, reactionary, ex-nude model, teabagging supporter of violence against women and politicians with whom he disagrees."

-- Keith Olbermann on MSNBC, describing Massachusetts Senator-elect Scott Brown.

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"The justices have affirmed a core principle of Republican government: one dollar, one vote."

-- Stephen Bowles, letter to the editor, The New York Times, on the Supreme Court's easing of restrictions on corporate political contributions.

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"It's tough, but when you have sex at an early age, it can become addictive."

-- 16-year-old Jeiel Ballard, with his girlfriend at a Seventh-day Adventist "purity ball" in Nashville.

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HANDS ACROSS THE WATER

It's a big scandal in Iran. A government official allegedly touched a Jew.

The story goes that Iranian Tourism Minister Hamid Baghaei shook hands with Israeli tourism minister Stas Misezhnikov at a reception in Spain hosted by the king and queen.

Iran's Cultural Heritage, Handicrafts and Tourism Organization says this story is just an “ugly and false rumor” and Iranian officials “never encountered Israeli officials in any form.” The ministry is threatening to sue anyone who says different .

Jew-touching is a big no-no in Iran

***

In other news, Iran has indicted five protesters for "waging war against Allah." The penalty is death by hanging.

You'd think that Allah is big enough to defend himself without the help of the Iranian government.

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TODAY'S BIBLE VERSE

He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.

-- Deuteronomy chapter 23 verse 1 King James Version

LIKE A FOX

Mehmet Ali Agca, the guy who shot Pope John Paul II, is out of prison in Turkey. And he says now that he's met the old pope, he'd like to meet the new one.

Not gonna happen.

The Turks say they're keeping an eye on this guy because they think he's crazy.

Ali Agca told reporters, "In the name of God, almighty, I proclaim the end of the world in this century. All the world will be destroyed, every human being will die. I am not God, I am not son of God, I am Christ eternal." He also said the Gospel was full of mistakes and he would rewrite it.

Yup, he's crazy.

Agca says he is considering book, film and television documentary offers.

Maybe not so crazy.

SECURITY

Here are some of the latest gadgets the security wizards have invented to catch those rascally airport terrorists and bedevil millions of innocent travelers.

MADE YA LOOK

WeCU technologies (as in "we see you") wants to set up giant screens at airports to display arcane symbols and images that only a terrorist would recognize, and then use cameras to catch passengers who are staring at the screens.

LIE DETECTOR

Homeland security is actually studying the FAST system -- it stands for Future Attribute Screening Technology -- that works like a polygraph. It uses cameras and sensors to detect things like facial tics, pupil dilation and fidgeting for signs of nervousness. So try not to act guilty.

DOWN TO DA FEET

IDO security has a gadget that scans your shoes without removing them from your feet. It sounds like those X-ray machines that were in shoe stores when I was a child, only without the side effect of foot cancer.

INSECURITY

A taxiing Northwest Airlines plane returned to the gate at Miami International Airport after a passenger named Mohammad shouted, "I want to kill all the Jews."

As the prophet (not that prophet, I mean the one who wrote Ecclesiastes.) said, there's a time for everything. But that time is probably not while taxiing in a Northwest Airlines plane.

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Due to new security rules, the airline pilot is not allowed to tell passengers where they are. All you need to know is that you're on an airplane ... somewhere.

This rule comes directly from the TSA.

Passengers will still, however, be allowed to look out the windows.

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The hypocrisy of the week award goes to the Massachusetts College of Pharmacy and Health Services which has banned -- for security reasons -- clothing that obscures the face, including face veils, burqas and niqabs. But a college spokesman assures us the policy ''is not directed to any group or individual. It applies to all students and faculty.''

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CRIME NEWS

Terri Rehm is charged, along with three others, with killing an Oklahoma City man in a home invasion.

Terri turned herself in to police, but not before posting her story on My Space.

First things first.

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Gunmen kidnapped a journalist in the Mexican state of Sinaloa.

Then they killed the policeman investigating the kidnapping.

So far, the journalist reporting on the killing of the policeman investigating the kidnapping is OK.

This could call for further investigation.

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HEALTH NEWS

Got acne? There's an app for that.

It's Doctor Pearson's AcneApp. It lights your iPhone screen alternately blue and red. The Doctor says the blue is anti-bacterial and the red is anti-inflammatory. He says it even works on wrinkles by stimulating collagen growth. The idea is to fix your face while talking on the phone.

There's no clinical study that says any of this works. Still, there's a sucker born every minute, so if you're one you can get it at the Apple app store for $1.99

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Do you really know what you're eating?

Students doing DNA studies at Trinity School in Manhattan found that one out of six food items for sale were mislabeled.

• White tuna sushi was really cheaper tilapia.
• Sheep's milk cheese was really made from cow's milk.
• Venison dog treats were make of beef.
• Sturgeon caviar was Mississippi paddle fish.
• An all-beef kosher hot dog sold from a New York pushcart showed only ... cow DNA.

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In a stroke of irony, Al Bernardin, the inventor of McDonald's Quarter Pounder, has died. He died of a stroke.

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And Dr. Hulda Clark has died. She wrote the books "The Cure for All Cancers" and "The Cure for All Advanced Cancers." She died of cancer.

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The federal estate tax expired at the end of last year. Congress is almost certain to renew it in the future. So if you're going to die, now would be a good time.

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HAPPY NEW DECADE

The Pope on New Year's Day asked all the armed groups in the world to "stop, reflect and abandon the way of violence."

And I'm still wishing for a pony for Christmas.

***

This year, there's a new name for our forces in Iraq.

It used to be called the Multinational Force-Iraq, or as President George W. Bush called it, "The coalition of the willing."

But now it's called the United States Force-Iraq, because since Britain, Australia, Romania, Estonia, Tonga and 26 other nations pulled out, no one else has been willing.

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Here's something to think about.

• People killed in coal mines in the U.S. in 2009: 18
• People killed by nuclear power plants in 2009: 0

.

• People killed in coal mines in the U.S. in 2008: 29
• People killed by nuclear power plants in 2008: 0

I'm just sayin'...

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ATHLETES BEHAVING BADLY

The Associated Press has named Tiger Woods the "athlete of the decade."

With 17 mistresses and counting, I should think so.

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The OSU football coach Gundy suspended player Perrish Cox from the Cotton Bowl for breaking curfew.

Cox responded on his Facebook page: "I wz jus 30 mins late pass curfew, traffic wz bad 4 new years, 4get gundy, i put 2 much in 4 this school 4 him 2 do me like that, i mean its a bowl game that the players hard 4, we should b able 2 hav some kinda freedom, its all good, i had fun while it lasted, once a cowboy always a cowboy, regardless of gundy."

So now we know he's not only irresponsible, he's damn near illiterate. How did he get into college, anyway? Oh, yeah, he plays football.

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What's with athletes and firearms?

• The New York Post reports that Washington Wizards players Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton pulled guns on each other during an argument in the team locker room. Arenas denies this, but admits he kept handguns in his locker.
• Arenas also pleaded no contest in 2003 in California to driving with a handgun in his car.
• Cleveland Cavaliers player Delonte West was indicted for riding his motorcycle armed with two handguns, a shotgun and a knife.
• Giants player Plaxico Burress is serving a two year prison sentence for shooting himself in the leg in a Manhattan nightclub.
• Four Tennessee basketball players -- Tyler Smith, Melvin Goins, Brian Williams and Cameron Tatum -- were arrested when police found a handgun with an altered serial number in their car.

Is this why they call it a "run and gun" offense?

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HAPPY NEW YEAR!

The world welcomed 2010, each village and hamlet in its own quaint way.

• Sydney set off fireworks.
• Tokyo sent up balloons.
• In France, the Eiffel Tower did a disco light show.
• Rising waters flooded Venice at midnight. But in Venice, who can tell?
• New York lowered a crystal ball.
• Nashville lowered a 10 foot red guitar.
• Atlanta lowered an 800 pound fiberglass peach.
• Eastport, Maine, lowered an 8 foot wooden sardine.
• Mount Olive, North Carolina, lowered a 3 foot glowing pickle.
• Raleigh lowered a giant acorn.
• Basstown dropped a opossum.

***

The Iranian Football (soccer) Federation sent a New Year greeting message to the Israeli Soccer Federation.

The Israeli Football Federation responded with a message saying "Happy new year to all the good people of Iran."

The Iranian Football Federation responded by announcing that their original message was sent by mistake,

***

Lake Superior State University's Word Banishment Committee added these to its banned phrase and word list for 2009.

• bromance
• chillaxin
• czar
• sexting
• shovel ready
• teachable moment
• unfriended

In past years the committee banned "behind closed doors," "flat-out" and "meaningful dialogue." These bans generally do not work.

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The Library of Congress added some "culturally, historically or aesthetically" significant movies of the last century to its National Film Registry. Among these were Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video (1983), "The Muppet Movie" (1979) and "The Incredible Shrinking Man" (1957).

I shudder to imagine what future centuries will think of us.

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On New Year's Day, the Walt Disney Company bought Marvel Entertainment. So now Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck will be hanging out with Spider Man and the Hulk.

If Goofy and the Flash can't save, who can?

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