BLACK FRIDAY SAFETY TIPS.

Not to outdone by the "Tulsa World" safe Thanksgiving, and in a continuing media effort to scare the public to death about everything concerning life, the "Daily Oklahoman" newspaper published warnings for a safe Black Friday.

Here are some of those safety warnings.

• After dark, don't shop alone. Take a friend. (Yeah, so you can both be mugged!)
• Remember where you parked your car. (If you can't find your car, it might have been stolen.)
• Look under your car before getting in. (This is based on the urban folktale about the guy hiding under the car ready to disable you by cutting your ankle tendons with his straight razor. Forget it. It's never happened.)

All these warning despite an adjacent article pointing out there is no more crime at the malls on Black Friday than on any other November Friday. But reason never wins over a good scare.

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In South Carolina Black Friday kicks off "Second Amendment Weekend" with no state or local sales tax on firearms.

An armed shopper is a safe shopper.

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DON'T KICK A JEW

It was “kick a Jew day” at Florida's North Naples Middle School.

And a great time was had until someone went and kicked a Jew.

Ten people, actually. And one Jew -- a girl, yet.

The ten students were suspended. The Jew was not seriously hurt.

Still, it was a break from all those other days when the Goyem just kick each other.

BAD BIRDS

Are we a nation of sissies?

Each year, sometime between the Halloween safety warnings and the Christmas safety warnings, come the Thanksgiving safety warnings.

This week, the "Tulsa World" newspaper dutifully printed these tips on how to have a safe turkey.

1. Don't wash the turkey. It just splashes the germs around.
2. Don't thaw your turkey in the garage or kitchen counter.
3. Keep meat chilled until you cook it.
4. When handling the turkey, keep it separate from other foods with separate cutting boards and utensils.
5. Once you touch the raw turkey, don't touch anything else until you wash your hands with soap and water.
6. Set the oven temperature at 325 degrees or higher.
7. Cook to a minimum internal temperature of 165 degrees to kill bacteria. Use a thermometer.
8. Food dishes cooked at home and served warm at the family gathering should be kept above 140 degrees.
9. Don't leave food out of the refrigerator for more than two hours.
10. Wash your hands before you eat. If that is not possible, use hand sanitizer or wipes.
11. Use different utensils for cooking the food and eating it. Do not use the same fork to handle the turkey while cooking and to serve turkey at the table.
12. Reheat all leftovers to 165 degrees. Gravy should be boiled.

And to think it only took the Israelites ten commandments.

How did we ever survive before all these safety warnings?

Sure, bad birds kill a few people every year. But considering how many turkeys give their lives for Thanksgiving every year, the birds are still behind.

So just eat up and have a happy Thanksgiving.

CRIME AND PUNISHMENT

Kenneth Eugene Barrett killed a cop. So now he's suing.

Oklahoma State Troopers approached Barrett's Oklahoma cabin in 1999 to bust him for methamphetamine. Barrett opened fire with a black rifle. He wounded Trooper John "Buddy" Hamilton. He killed Trooper David "Rocky" Eales.

Troopers returned fire. They wounded Barrett. He still has a bullet in him. He says it still hurts. He says he's developed a rash. He alleges inadequate medical care.

Barrett is on death row. No execution date has been set. When it is, that should clear up any lingering health problems.

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The penalty for suicide in Uganda is caning. Yes, even successful suicide. The body is caned before burial, as a warning to other would-be suicides.

Now the government wants to extend this posthumous punishment to those who drink themselves to death. No one escapes the law in Uganda, not even the dead..

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IN POLITICS...

Tulsa elected my new city councilwoman on Tuesday.

Within hours of the victory, a drunk stole her wallet.

(Note that men are Councilmen. Women are Councilwomen. Councilors are people who work at summer camps for children.)

As Councilwoman Elect Maria Barnes celebrated her victory at the Casa Laredo restaurant downtown, one of her constituents -- 26 year old Jordan Lee Christ -- snaked his hand into her purse and took off with her wallet. Police say a considerable amount of alcohol was involved.

Maria and several of her supporters chased the bandit. Oklahoma House of Representatives candidate Steve Gallo brought the bad boy down a few blocks away. Barnes broke a fingernail in the melee.

The thief has a record of convictions for assault and battery, outraging public decency, peeping Tom and larceny, but was never known to have been active in politics before.

BUSINESS NEWS

Ford's top sales analyst says smaller cars will save the company. George Pipas says buyers are looking for compact cars, and that will be Fords largest segment in the next few years.

Detroit has been losing market share for decades to smaller Asian and European cars, and it just took a high priced sales analyst to figure this out?

Duh!

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Boulder, Colorado schools are serving healthier lunches now by adding more vegetables and fresh fruit.

Sales are down.

Duh!

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CHURCH NEWS

The war against the homeless continues.

Earlier I reported on a town in New Jersey that stopped a church from feeding homeless people. Now it's happening in Arizona.

Phoenix has ordered the CrossRoads United Methodist Church to stop feeding the homeless at the church. It seems that the area is zoned residential, not commercial. And the neighbors don't want homeless people in a neighborhood where some people actually have homes.

Take that, you homeless people!

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Some Italian churches are replacing the holy water basins with dispensers that squirt a single serving of holy water for the faithful. This is to prevent worshippers from catching swine flu from the holy water.

But as my wife, who is possibly Catholic (She claims to be a converted Methodist but I say once you're born Catholic, that's it.) asks, "How can you catch flu from holy water? It's holy!"

Yes, but maybe God just loves all creatures, even down to the smallest virus.

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IN THE NEWS

People lined up at the polls today.

But it was a week too early.

All around the country today people are voting.

But not in Oklahoma.

In Oklahoma, the first Thursday in November is election day.

But not in odd numbered years.

In odd numbered years municipal elections are held the second Tuesday in November.

Go figure.

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Some new laws are going into effect in Oklahoma this Sunday.

• All members of the armed forces during times of combat will be exempt from jury duty.
• Mothers who are breast feeding will be exempt from jury duty. (No titties in the courtroom.)
• Human cloning will be illegal in Oklahoma.

So there'll be no breast-feeding combat-clones on Oklahoma juries.

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Just across the Oklahoma line, the town of Wakita, Kansas, wants to build a Christian prison.

It would be a private prison. The mayor and other city leaders are all for it.

The staff would all be Christians. No Jews allowed.

Is this even legal?

Wayland University, a Christian collage, would set up a satellite campus to teach an all Christian curriculum. All prisoners would have to participate.

The idea is to reduce the recidivism rate. But given the low incarceration and recidivism rate among Jewish people, wouldn't it make more sense to get a bunch of Rabbis in there teaching the Talmud?

I'm just askin'.

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New Jersey is holding a Fugitive Safe Surrender program so criminals can turn themselves in without going to jail. Violent crimes are not covered, but the amnesty does include bribery, extortion and racketeering.

There are about 9,000 eligable fugitives in Essex County alone.

Are you listening, Tony Soprano?

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