Are you ready to get waterboarded?

Waterboarding is much in the news recently, but it's an old sport. Waterboarding was used by the Spanish Inquisition in the 15th century, and by the Japanese on American POWs during World War II. Since 2001 waterboarding has been used by the CIA on enemy combatants in secret prisons around the world. The U.S. attorney general says the CIA is not waterboarding at this time, but provides no assurance that it won't again in the future.

Waterboarding is an interrogation technique used to encourage a suspect to provide information he or she might otherwise wish not to. But is it torture? This question has been debated lately. There's one way to find out for yourself. Try it. Get waterboarded!

WARNING: WATERBOARDING CAN KILL YOU. IT CAN CAUSE DROWNING, HEART ATTACK OR PERMANENT DAMAGE TO THE LUNGS, AND LEAD TO DEPRESSION, PANIC ATTACKS AND POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER (PTSD).

You'll need a wooden board or plank, restraints (like rope), Saran Wrap, a cloth (like a towel or rag) and some water. Have your friends tie you to the board and elevate one end so your feet are higher than your head. The plastic wrap goes over your mouth to insure only nose breathing. The cloth, pre moistened, goes over your face. Then your friends pour the water over the cloth and continue pouring until they have to stop so you can regain consiousness. Repeat as needed.

WARNING: DO NOT TRY THIS EXPERIMENT WITHOUT A QUALIFIED MEDICAL TEAM STANDING BY, INCLUDING A DOCTOR WITH A DEFIBRILLATOR AND A FULL MEDICAL SUITE.

State lawmaker Fletcher Smith of South Carolina wants to lower the drinking age for military personel to 18. He says it will improve morale.

I'll drink to that.

Last year American Airlines laid off a bunch of pilots. This year they're cancelling flights because -- surprise -- they don't have enough pilots.

Who knew?

A Romanian priest is in jail for exorcising a nun by crucifying her on a cross for several days.

The bad news is the nun died. The good news is she's not possessed anymore.

Today's quotation --

"With or without religion, good people will do good, and evil people will do evil. But for good people to do evil, that takes religion."

-- Nobel Prize-winning physicist Steven Weinberg.

DEJA VU AGAIN

A suicide bomber killed three Iraqi policemen who were investigating the site of a bombing in Mosul that killed thirty four Iraqi soldiers who were investigating a bomb factory there the day before.

The investigation continues.

SPEAK SOFTLY AND...

Today's Quotation --

"People may oppose you, but when they realize you can hurt them, they'll join your side.

-- Condoleezza Rice

(NYT Book Review)

Today's quotation --

"There, but for the grace of God, goes God."

-- Winston Churchill.

Men and women in Kelantan, Malaysia can no longer share checkout lines. In the grocery store, for example, women will have to take their melons to a separate cashier. The chief minister says the purpose of the law is "to safeguard the ladies."

But in Saudi Arabia the Commission for the Propagation of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice has decided that women will now be allowed to check into hotels alone. Still, innkeepers will have to report them to the police, to safeguard the ladies, no doubt.

Pay attention, panhandlers, here are some new laws regulating your business.

You can panhandle in Macon, Georgia, but only if you tell the truth. So if you say your car ran out of gas and you need money to get to Cincinnati for your aunt's funeral, your car better be on empty, you better be going to Cincinnati and your aunt better be dead.

And in Minneapolis you can only panhandle solo. No more panhandling in groups; you're scaring people.

WHERE WAS THAT AGAIN?

Today's quotation --

"God gives us power to get wealth. Does that sound like he wants you to be on welfare? That's in the Bible!"

-- Fredrick K.C. Price, preacher, Crenshaw Christian Center of Los Angeles.

Some Florida banks, to prevent robberies, are banning customers wearing hoods, hats or sunglasses. However, shirt and shoes are still required.

Today Iraq celebrates the religious holiday of Ashura. The death toll is seven.

Ashura marks the killing of Imam Hussein, grandson of the prophet Mohammad. 13 centuries ago.

Want to be a millionaire? Go to Zimbabwe.

The official inflation rate in Zimbabwe is 25,000% yearly, but the real rate is more like 150,000%.

A hamburger there costs 15 million Zimbabwe dollars. Zimbabweans carry currency in one, five and ten-million dollar denominations.

What's it take to be a millionaire in Zimbabwe? Two and a half bucks, American.

Bobby Fischer died last Thursday in Reykjavik, Iceland. Here is some of the wisdom of Bobby Fischer, in his own words.

• Bobby Fischer on Chess: "Chess is war over the board. The object is to crush the opponent's mind."
• Bobby Fischer on 9/11: "Wonderful news."
• Bobby Fischer on the U.S.A.: He hoped that "the country will be taken over by the military, they'll close down all the synagogues, arrest all the Jews and execute hundreds of thousands of Jewish ringleaders."
• Bobby Fischer on the Jewish People: A "filthy lying bastard people." They kill Christian children and "their blood is used in black-magic ceremonies."
• Bobby Fischer on the holocaust: A "money-making invention."
• Bobby Fischer on Communism: He kept a locked suitcase full of pills, saying "If the Commies come to poison me, I don't want to make it easy for them."
• Bobby Fischer on life: "All I want to do, ever, is to play chess.

Bobby Fischer died of kidney failure. He was 64.

It happened in Baghdad the other day, something that has never happened there before in the memory of any living Iraqi. It snowed.

All over the city, people came out and watched, together, the snow fall. And while it snowed, there were no killings. No kidnappings. No bombings. No beheadings. No fighting at all.

Then the snow stopped.

Time to play "Insert Punchline Here."

Opening on stage in Madrid, The Diary of Anne Frank, the musical.

(Insert Punchline Here.)

New on the market, a personal Taser stun-gun. It fits in a leopard print holster with a built in MP3 player.

Some possible songs to carry:

• Hit Me With Your Best Shot
• I Shot the Sheriff
• I've Got the Power
• Killing Me Softly
• Shock the Monkey
• (Add your own song here.)

Tulsa police say they arrested a possible terror suspect at Circuit City.

Police arrested a man trying to steal a computer. Then officers chased down his three accomplices in the getaway SUV, which contained more computers. All are described as Asian. One has almost the same name as a person on the terrorist watch list. The FBI was called.

There you have it. Foreign terrorists are infiltrating this country to take our computers. You heard it here first.

What ever happened to U.S. Senator Larry Craig?

He pleaded guilty to sexual solicitation in a Minnesota airport men's room, then said he wasn't guilty, now says that even if he did do it it wasn't illegal.

Craig, who promised to resign from the Senate, is still a senator.

Boeing is building some 787 Dreamliners with on-board computers that would allow the aircraft to be flown by remote control over the Internet.

Boeing says the computers are designed to absolutely prevent access by hackers. Can't happen. No way. Don't worry about it. Forget I even mentioned it.

From the cause and effect department --

• Citing the Virginia Tech shootings, the governor of Virginia is proposing a law to require background checks of gun buyers at gun shows, which would not have affected the Virginia Tech shooter because he didn't buy his guns at a gun show.
• Defending its voter I.D. law before the U.S. Supreme Court, the state of Indiana -- unable to document a single case of in-person voter fraud -- cited cases of absentee voting fraud, which would not be prevented by the voter I.D. law.

What do these laws have in common? They're like pissing in a dark suit. They give you a warm feeling while having no visible effect.

Iraqi policewomen have to give up their Glocks.

When U.S. soldiers rebuilt the Iraqi police force starting in 2004 they recruited a lot of women. But as we stood down, the Iraqis stood up and stopped hiring women. Policewomen already on the streets were transferred to desk jobs, and they're no longer allowed to have guns. Mind you, Iraqi policemen on desk jobs have guns to protect themselves after work, but not women.

An Iraqi official says, "Females are taken care of by men in this country."

Iraqi men like their women. They like them unarmed.

Quotation of the day --

"Young fellows go into our restaurants to find women folks sucking cigarettes. What happens? The young fellows lose all respect for the women. The next thing you know the young fellows, vampired by these smoking women, desert their homes, their wives and children, rob their employers and even commit murder so that they can get money to lavish on these smoking women"

-- New York City Alderman Peter McGuinness, 1922.

Like mosquitoes on an elephant, five Iranian speedboats harassed three U.S. warships in the Strait of Hormuz.

It happened Sunday morning in international waters. The speedboats were part of the Iranian Revolutionary Guard. The Iranians threatened to blow up the U.S. ships. No shots were fired.

The Pentagon said it was a dangerous provocation. The Iranian foreign ministry said they were just trying to "identify" the U.S. ships.

What's to identify? They're big! They're the size of freaking warships! They say U.S. on the side! Next question!

China and India are having their first ever war games this week.

The two countries fought their last real war in 1962.

As the replica of Christopher Columbus' ship sailed from Baton Rouge recently, a defective generator caught the synthetic canvas sails on fire.

This would never have happened to Chris.

Norman Lee Toler, serving time in Missouri, is demanding that the prison serve him kosher meals. He insists that he's Jewish, despite those Nazi tattoos.

Funny, he doesn't look Jewish.

The New York Times reports that the C.I.A. is planning a secret military operation to send Special Forces troops into rural Pakistan to hunt the Taliban and Al Qaeda.

Oops. No secret.

Happy New Year! Here's how some celebrated.

A zebra bound for North Carolina made a mad dash for freedom in Florida. She's back in custody. (The zebra's named Ann Curry, after the Today host.)

There are 303,146,284 of us in the U.S. this year -- up 2,846,103 from last year. The Census Bureau says we'll add one birth every eight seconds, one death every 11 seconds and one immigrant every 30 seconds for a net gain of one resident every 13 seconds.

There are new laws to follow. Minnesotans can only sell American flags made in the U.S.A. Kangaroo shoes (that's shoes made from kangaroos, not for kangaroos) can be imported to California. And Texas home sellers must reveal if the house was a meth lab.

France banned smoking in cafes. Merde!

As New Hampshire legalised civil unions, other couples around the world continued to live in uncivil unions.

Cyprus and Malta adopted the euro. Politicians withdrew the first euros from ceremonial ATMs.

Sarah Jane Moore, Gerald Ford's failed assassin, is a free woman. Squeaky Fromme is still in jail. John Hinkley is still crazy. Lee Harvey Oswald is still dead.

New Orleans counted its 209th murder, a new record for the city.

Louisville, Kentucky recorded it's 81st murder, a new record there. Police say most resulted from robberies, domestic disputes or the proverbial drug-deal-gone-bad.

Many cities begged residents not to shoot guns into the sky at midnight. New Orleans E.M.T techs wore Kevlar helmets for the night.

Iraqis welcomed the new year with fireworks, the largest set by a suicide bomber at the funeral of the victim of a suicide bomber. Thirty-seven died this time.

Palestinians in Gaza continued to kill each other; the new year's day death toll was five.

Kenyans celebrated their presidential election -- in which 115% of registered voters turned out -- as members of the loser's tribe hacked and burned to death members of the winner's tribe.

And in Bhutan, where the king decided to make his country a democracy, citizens went to the polls for their first election. There were no bombings, no shootings, no riots in the streets. Legislators were elected.