We have our first Christmas shopping fatality.
A Wal-Mart greeter was trampled to death at a Long Island, New York store. It happened at 5am on Black Friday.
A crowd of 2000 was waiting to get in. People in the back began pushing, those in front broke down the door, and they all began shopping, flatting the greeter in the rush.
Hard to believe, I know, but there was a Samsung 50-inch Plasma HDTV on sale for $798.
And they don't call these door buster sales for nothing.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Thursday, November 27, 2008
A TRUE NEWS RERUN
So it's Thanksgiving, and we celebrate that first meal when the pilgrims from the Mayflower sat down in Plymouth with the Indians to give thanks.
Wait, not so fast.Virginia claims that Jamestown, the new world's first permanent English settlement, was the scene of that first Thanksgiving dinner, thirteen years before the Mayflower landed.
Wait, not so fast. Florida has staked a claim for the first Thanksgiving. The Spanish explorer Pedro Menendez de Aviles and his crew sat down with the Timucua Indians for the feast of St. Augustine, in what is now the town of St. Augustine, 56 years before the Mayflower. The Nombre de Dios Mission founded by Menendez still stands there, the site of the first permanent settlement in America. That means the first Thanksgiving, that uniquely American holiday, was in Spanish.
Take that, Lou Dobbs.
And about that Plymouth rock thing. That's not true either.
Like George Washington's cherry tree and Betsy Ross's flag, the Plymouth Rock story is another bit of invented history.
In none of the writings of the pilgrims is there any mention of Plymouth Rock. The story of how the pilgrims landed there on the Mayflower didn't pop up until 120 years after the event, told by an old man who said he heard it from his father. There was no other supporting evidence.
And the stone known as Plymouth Rock is only a shadow of its former self -- one third of its former self, actually, after centuries of souvenir hunters chipping pieces off it.
Coming up later -- the truth about Santa Claus.
Wait, not so fast.Virginia claims that Jamestown, the new world's first permanent English settlement, was the scene of that first Thanksgiving dinner, thirteen years before the Mayflower landed.
Wait, not so fast. Florida has staked a claim for the first Thanksgiving. The Spanish explorer Pedro Menendez de Aviles and his crew sat down with the Timucua Indians for the feast of St. Augustine, in what is now the town of St. Augustine, 56 years before the Mayflower. The Nombre de Dios Mission founded by Menendez still stands there, the site of the first permanent settlement in America. That means the first Thanksgiving, that uniquely American holiday, was in Spanish.
Take that, Lou Dobbs.
And about that Plymouth rock thing. That's not true either.
Like George Washington's cherry tree and Betsy Ross's flag, the Plymouth Rock story is another bit of invented history.
In none of the writings of the pilgrims is there any mention of Plymouth Rock. The story of how the pilgrims landed there on the Mayflower didn't pop up until 120 years after the event, told by an old man who said he heard it from his father. There was no other supporting evidence.
And the stone known as Plymouth Rock is only a shadow of its former self -- one third of its former self, actually, after centuries of souvenir hunters chipping pieces off it.
Coming up later -- the truth about Santa Claus.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
SOME MODEST PROPOSALS
A modest proposal:
The problem is that a lot of Oklahomans don't have health insurance. So the state insurance commissioner has a proposal. Punish the uninsured. Take away their driver's licenses and season football tickets.
Might work. Oklahomans know you don't really need a license to drive. But football tickets? Gotta' have 'em.
The problem is that a lot of Oklahomans don't have health insurance. So the state insurance commissioner has a proposal. Punish the uninsured. Take away their driver's licenses and season football tickets.
Might work. Oklahomans know you don't really need a license to drive. But football tickets? Gotta' have 'em.
Yet another modest proposal:
Nebraska has changed its safe haven law. The law allowed parents to abandon their children at any hospital without fear of recrimination. The law was intended to protect newborns. But a lot of parents were dropping off their teenagers, even traveling across the country to do it.
And I can understand that. I know some teenagers.
The new law limits the dumping age to 30-days. And I think that's wrong. I think the age should be raised to adulthood.
What about that 20-something who just won't move out of the house? Dump his ass at the hospital.
Or that 30-something who's moved back home and expects you to do his laundry? Say you're taking him in for a checkup. And leave him there.
But hey, that's just my opinion.
Nebraska has changed its safe haven law. The law allowed parents to abandon their children at any hospital without fear of recrimination. The law was intended to protect newborns. But a lot of parents were dropping off their teenagers, even traveling across the country to do it.
And I can understand that. I know some teenagers.
The new law limits the dumping age to 30-days. And I think that's wrong. I think the age should be raised to adulthood.
What about that 20-something who just won't move out of the house? Dump his ass at the hospital.
Or that 30-something who's moved back home and expects you to do his laundry? Say you're taking him in for a checkup. And leave him there.
But hey, that's just my opinion.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
GOD GOES TO COURT
The U.S. Supreme Court is judging religion again.
In PioneerPark, in Pleasant Grove, Utah, stands a monument of the Ten Commandments. Now the Church of Summum wants to erect its own monument of the Seven Aphorisms, which they say God handed down to Moses even before the Ten Commandments. The town says"no." And so we go to court.
Summum may have a case. In 1996 the court ruled that on the Ohio capitol grounds, where there was already a Christmas tree and a Menorah, the state had to allow a cross, even though the cross was sponsored by the Ku Klux Klan.
Here are the Seven Aphorisms of Summum:
In PioneerPark, in Pleasant Grove, Utah, stands a monument of the Ten Commandments. Now the Church of Summum wants to erect its own monument of the Seven Aphorisms, which they say God handed down to Moses even before the Ten Commandments. The town says"no." And so we go to court.
Summum may have a case. In 1996 the court ruled that on the Ohio capitol grounds, where there was already a Christmas tree and a Menorah, the state had to allow a cross, even though the cross was sponsored by the Ku Klux Klan.
Here are the Seven Aphorisms of Summum:
- I. THE PRINCIPLE OF PSYCHOKINESIS: SUMMUM is MIND, thought; the universe is a mental creation.
- II. THE PRINCIPLE OF CORRESPONDENCE: As above, so below; as below, so above.
- III. THE PRINCIPLE OF VIBRATION: Nothing rests; everything moves; everything vibrates.
- IV. THE PRINCIPLE OF OPPOSITION: Everything is dual; everything has an opposing point; everything has its pair of opposites; like and unlike are the same; opposites are identical in nature, but different in degree; extremes bond; all truths are but partial truths; all paradoxes may be reconciled.
- V. THE PRINCIPLE OF RHYTHM: Everything flows out and in; everything has its season; all things rise and fall; the pendulum swing expresses itself in everything; the measure of the swing to the right is the measure of the swing to the left; rhythm compensates.
- VI. THE PRINCIPLE OF CAUSE AND EFFECT: Every cause has its effect; every effect has its cause; everything happens according to Law; Chance is just a name for Law not recognized; there are many fields of causation, but nothing escapes the Law of Destiny.
- VII. THE PRINCIPLE OF GENDER: Gender is in everything; everything has its masculine and feminine principles; Gender manifests on all levels.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
TIME WOUNDS ALL HEELS
Here's what they said, before and after.
Before the presidential election, Sarah Palin on Barack Obama: "This is not a man who sees America as you see America, and as I see America. Our opponent, though, is someone who sees America, it seems, as being so imperfect -- imperfect enough that he's palling around with terrorists who would target their own country.
After the election: "Barack Obama has been elected president. Let us, let us -- let him -- be able to be able to kind of savor this moment, one, and not let the pettiness of maybe internal workings of the campaign erode any of the recognition of this historic moment that we're in. And God bless Obama and his beautiful family."
Before, Joseph Lieberman: "When others wanted to retreat in defeat from the field of battle, when Barack Obama was voting to cut off funding for our troops on the ground, John McCain had the courage to stand against the tide of public opinion,"
After, Lieberman spokesman Marshall Wittmann: "He believes that president-elect Obama -- and, then, Senator Obama -- is a genuine patriot and loves his country."
Before, Representative Michele Bachmann, speaking of Barack Obama: "I'm very concerned that he may have anti-American views."
After: she was "extremely grateful that we have an African-American who has won this year."
Before, Media Research Center president L. Brent Bozell III on Fox News' Fox & Friends: "When you go through the entirety of the campaign saying the kind of things that you're saying in the debates, where on, for every question, you've got a redistribution of wealth answer, where you've got socialism, where you've got the government controlling every aspect of life. You don't expect a reporter to ask you, 'Is this socialism?'"
After, on Fox News' America's Newsroom, to co-anchor Bill Hemmer: "The American people are fiscally conservative, and the fascinating thing, Bill, is that Barack Obama ran as a Reaganite and won over the fiscal -- the public as a fiscal conservative."
Before the presidential election, Sarah Palin on Barack Obama: "This is not a man who sees America as you see America, and as I see America. Our opponent, though, is someone who sees America, it seems, as being so imperfect -- imperfect enough that he's palling around with terrorists who would target their own country.
After the election: "Barack Obama has been elected president. Let us, let us -- let him -- be able to be able to kind of savor this moment, one, and not let the pettiness of maybe internal workings of the campaign erode any of the recognition of this historic moment that we're in. And God bless Obama and his beautiful family."
Before, Joseph Lieberman: "When others wanted to retreat in defeat from the field of battle, when Barack Obama was voting to cut off funding for our troops on the ground, John McCain had the courage to stand against the tide of public opinion,"
After, Lieberman spokesman Marshall Wittmann: "He believes that president-elect Obama -- and, then, Senator Obama -- is a genuine patriot and loves his country."
Before, Representative Michele Bachmann, speaking of Barack Obama: "I'm very concerned that he may have anti-American views."
After: she was "extremely grateful that we have an African-American who has won this year."
Before, Media Research Center president L. Brent Bozell III on Fox News' Fox & Friends: "When you go through the entirety of the campaign saying the kind of things that you're saying in the debates, where on, for every question, you've got a redistribution of wealth answer, where you've got socialism, where you've got the government controlling every aspect of life. You don't expect a reporter to ask you, 'Is this socialism?'"
After, on Fox News' America's Newsroom, to co-anchor Bill Hemmer: "The American people are fiscally conservative, and the fascinating thing, Bill, is that Barack Obama ran as a Reaganite and won over the fiscal -- the public as a fiscal conservative."
WHAT COLOR IS YOUR RIBBON?
My nearby Quick Trip is giving out green light bulbs because November is National Runaway Prevention Month. You're supposed to put the bulb in your porch lamp to stop kids from running away, or "raise awareness" or something like that. I'm not exactly sure how this thing works.
It's like wearing pink for breast cancer, or to be against breast cancer, or to "raise awareness" or something like that. It started with pink ribbons, but now it's pink everything. But what about me? What color is my ribbon? I don't have breast cancer. I have liver cancer. So what am I, pate?
This whole ribbon thing started with yellow ribbons to support our Iranian hostages, which came from the Tony Orlando and Dawn song, which came from a short film on PBS's The Great American Dream Machine, which came from an allegedly true story about a prisoner, which possibly came from the Civil War tradition of girls wearing a yellow ribbon for their boyfriend in the war.
Then there were the red ribbons from Project DARE to tie to your car antenna if you were against drugs, and later there were red ribbons to wear on your lapel if you were against AIDS, or wanted to "raise awareness" or something like that.
When Gulf War One broke out, people called my radio show to ask what color ribbon to wear. The radio station soon provided the answer by handing out red, white and blue ribbons at public events.
But it was when little Timmy blew up 169 innocent people in Oklahoma City, and callers asked me what ribbon they were supposed to wear now, that I knew this whole ribbon thing had gone way over the edge.
But that's just my opinion. And consider the source. I briefly wore a black armband in the sixties to protest the Vietnam war.
It's like wearing pink for breast cancer, or to be against breast cancer, or to "raise awareness" or something like that. It started with pink ribbons, but now it's pink everything. But what about me? What color is my ribbon? I don't have breast cancer. I have liver cancer. So what am I, pate?
This whole ribbon thing started with yellow ribbons to support our Iranian hostages, which came from the Tony Orlando and Dawn song, which came from a short film on PBS's The Great American Dream Machine, which came from an allegedly true story about a prisoner, which possibly came from the Civil War tradition of girls wearing a yellow ribbon for their boyfriend in the war.
Then there were the red ribbons from Project DARE to tie to your car antenna if you were against drugs, and later there were red ribbons to wear on your lapel if you were against AIDS, or wanted to "raise awareness" or something like that.
When Gulf War One broke out, people called my radio show to ask what color ribbon to wear. The radio station soon provided the answer by handing out red, white and blue ribbons at public events.
But it was when little Timmy blew up 169 innocent people in Oklahoma City, and callers asked me what ribbon they were supposed to wear now, that I knew this whole ribbon thing had gone way over the edge.
But that's just my opinion. And consider the source. I briefly wore a black armband in the sixties to protest the Vietnam war.
Monday, November 10, 2008
WHERE ARE THEY NOW?
With the election behind us, it's time to ask: Whatever happened to...
- ...the Obama Girl? Amber Lee Ettinger has an agent. Her first album, Queen of the Web, is coming out in 2009.
- ...Joe the Plumber? Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher has an agent. He's decided not to record a country album but is talking about writing a book.
- ...former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee? He's doing a talk show on Fox News.
- ...Sarah Palin? She's still governor of Alaska, part of the "real" America.
- ...Tina Fey? Her TV show 30 Rock is very funny. You should watch it.
Featured Quotations --
"I said in Fayetteville that I would beat Michael Phelps in swimming before Barack Obama wins North Carolina, and I can't swim. I'm standing by that." -- The still dry Senator Lindsay Graham, Republican of South Carolina.
"I don't see problems for (Russian President Dmitry Anatolyevich) Medvedev to establish good relations with Obama, who is also handsome, young and suntanned." -- Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi.
''Obviously, a lot of shelter dogs are mutts like me.'' -- U.S. President Elect Barack Obama, discussing possible choices for a White House dog.
"I said in Fayetteville that I would beat Michael Phelps in swimming before Barack Obama wins North Carolina, and I can't swim. I'm standing by that." -- The still dry Senator Lindsay Graham, Republican of South Carolina.
"I don't see problems for (Russian President Dmitry Anatolyevich) Medvedev to establish good relations with Obama, who is also handsome, young and suntanned." -- Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi.
''Obviously, a lot of shelter dogs are mutts like me.'' -- U.S. President Elect Barack Obama, discussing possible choices for a White House dog.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
EAT THIS!
Civil war is raging in Congo. People who have been driven from their homes are starving in refugee camps. A 12-vehicle U.N. relief convoy finally made it through rebel lines to the Kibati camp the other day to the cheers of tens of thousands. And then the aid workers delivered their supplies of... soap.
No food. Just soap.
A U.N. spokesperson said sanitation is a top priority.
At least the refugees will die clean.
No food. Just soap.
A U.N. spokesperson said sanitation is a top priority.
At least the refugees will die clean.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
THE VOTES JUST KEEP ON COMING
This just in. Barack Obama has won the Kenyan vote.
Kenyans held their election in the city of Kisumo, Obama's late father's home town. Hawkers sold, and voters bought, Obama pins, T-shirts and clocks.
Obama won 98% of the vote. Kenya has no electoral votes.
Kenya held its own presidential election last year. Riots raged over charges of vote rigging when the challenger lost to the incumbent.
This time, riot police stood by. But everyone seemed happy, or at least 8% of them.
Kenyans held their election in the city of Kisumo, Obama's late father's home town. Hawkers sold, and voters bought, Obama pins, T-shirts and clocks.
Obama won 98% of the vote. Kenya has no electoral votes.
Kenya held its own presidential election last year. Riots raged over charges of vote rigging when the challenger lost to the incumbent.
This time, riot police stood by. But everyone seemed happy, or at least 8% of them.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
WHY I VOTE
I voted.
I know my vote doesn't count for much, not when it's diluted by millions of other votes. As my grandmother used to say, "You're not the only pea in the pot."
I'm not a big gambler, but I like to watch horse races. I may put two dollars on the favorite. Not much, I know, but it gives me a stake in the race. It gives me a reason to scream and holler when my horse goes by. And if I lose, I can always get in on the next race.
I like the Powerball lottery. It's only a dollar, and the payoff is tens of millions. My chances of winning are infinitesimal, but still finite. For a week I can dream about packing my bags and taking that trip around the country and the world for the rest of my life. And if I lose, I can buy another ticket.
My puny little vote gives me a stake in the race. I get to study the issues and put up a yard sign, watch the returns and root for my guy. And if he or she loses, there's always next time.
I know my vote doesn't count for much, not when it's diluted by millions of other votes. As my grandmother used to say, "You're not the only pea in the pot."
I'm not a big gambler, but I like to watch horse races. I may put two dollars on the favorite. Not much, I know, but it gives me a stake in the race. It gives me a reason to scream and holler when my horse goes by. And if I lose, I can always get in on the next race.
I like the Powerball lottery. It's only a dollar, and the payoff is tens of millions. My chances of winning are infinitesimal, but still finite. For a week I can dream about packing my bags and taking that trip around the country and the world for the rest of my life. And if I lose, I can buy another ticket.
My puny little vote gives me a stake in the race. I get to study the issues and put up a yard sign, watch the returns and root for my guy. And if he or she loses, there's always next time.
Monday, November 3, 2008
WHERE IS YOUR FLAG PIN?
Quotation of the day...
"Do you really want to have a guy as commander in chief of this country when you can question whether or not he really loves his country? That's the big question.''
...Oklahoma Senator James Inhofe, Republican.
Inhofe later "clarified" his remarks, saying...
"Let me be clear. I am not questioning Senator Obama's patriotism, but you have to question why at times he seems so obviously opposed to public displays of patriotism and national pride, like wearing an American flag lapel pin.''
"Do you really want to have a guy as commander in chief of this country when you can question whether or not he really loves his country? That's the big question.''
...Oklahoma Senator James Inhofe, Republican.
Inhofe later "clarified" his remarks, saying...
"Let me be clear. I am not questioning Senator Obama's patriotism, but you have to question why at times he seems so obviously opposed to public displays of patriotism and national pride, like wearing an American flag lapel pin.''
Sunday, November 2, 2008
THERE IS NO GOD
October is a holy month for both Hindus and Muslims.
Militant Hindus in Andhra Pradesh, India, celebrated by burning to death a Muslim family of six in their home.
No cows were hurt.
Militant Hindus in Andhra Pradesh, India, celebrated by burning to death a Muslim family of six in their home.
No cows were hurt.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
WHAT ARE THEY TEACHING THESE KIDS?
Barack Obama has swept the kids' vote. He's won the Weekly Reader poll of 125,000 kids, the Scholastic poll of 250,000 kids, and the Nickelodeon poll of 2.2 million kids.
This has prompted calls by leading Democrats to lower the voting age to conception.
(I just made up that last part.)
This has prompted calls by leading Democrats to lower the voting age to conception.
(I just made up that last part.)
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