NOSTALGIA ISN'T WHAT IT USED TO BE

Microsoft is introducing its newest operating system, Windows 7.

I remember when a new OS from Microsoft was a cause for happiness and celebration. Now it just causes fear and loathing.

I'm still using XP Pro. It boots up slowly, programs load slowly, and sometimes it just hangs up and stops. But at least I'm used to it. Most of the time it works, and I don't plan to change.

My favorite OS was DOS 3.2. It booted quickly, applications loaded quickly, and when I installed a program I knew where it went on the hard drive. With Windows, it seems to go everywhere. DOS did everything I needed: pre-Internet bulletin-boarding, arcade games and word processing. It ran the most intuitive word processor ever made, PFS Pro Write, with white letters on a soothing blue screen as God surely intended.

Maybe I'm becoming like one of those old fogeys who wish cars still had carburetors and a regular guy could still fix them in the driveway with a wrench and a spark-gapper.

But I wish I still had that old XT clone of mine.

AND WHAT ABOUT THE TALIBAN VOTE?

Al Qaeda is endorsing John McCain for president. The al-Hesbah web site reports, "Al Qaeda will have to support McCain in the coming elections so that he continues the failing march of his predecessor, Bush."

Hamas endorsed Barack Obama, as pointed out in an email to McCain donors. In the email, McCain's deputy campaign manager, Christian Ferry quotes Ahmed Yousef, chief political adviser to the Hamas Prime Minister, as saying, "We like Mr. Obama and we hope he will win the election. He has a vision to change America."

No word yet on who Hezbollah is endorsing.

CONTAMINATED LOVE

The British government warns that some edible sex accessories imported from China are contaminated with melamine. These include chocolate and strawberry body pens and erotic chocolate lotion.

Just another reminder that SEX KILLS.

IT SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME

In honor of "Spirit Week," students at Parkway West Middle School in Chesterfield, Missouri, celebrated "Hit a Jew Day." Charges are pending.

Meanwhile, the Belgian TV show "Plat Prefere" (Favorite Dish), a cooking show that features the favorite food of famous people, will present Adolph Hitler's favorite meal. Der Fuhrer liked trout with butter sauce.

APRES MOI LE DELUGE

I'll make a couple of predictions. Barak Obama will win the election. That's an easy one. Only a major national security meltdown can stop him now.

Here's prediction two. After the election expect a big Obama backlash. Remember the Clinton-haters who accused the president of everything from being drug dealer to a serial killer? I'm talking about a wave of Obama-hate that will make last century's Clinton-hate look like a birthday party.

A lot of it will come from Republicans who will throw a tantrum because they won't be able to accept losing the power. And they won't blame George Bush; they'll blame Obama. The rest will come from rednecks and bigots who won't be able to stand seeing a black man in the White House. It's already begun. Obama has been denounced from blogs and podiums as a "socialist," "communist," "un-American," "traitor," "terrorist" and worse.

And the hate will spill over. A lot of it will be directed at feminists, immigrants, gays, the "liberal-elite media" and of course African-Americans.

Expect also a rise in the power and memberhip of white supremacist groups. Tighten your safety harness, this ride is about to get real interesting.

Quotation of the day --

"Right now we're facing the potential of a half-black candidate financed by Jewish money going up against a white candidate financed by Jewish money who are both advovating the same policy."

-- Socialist Workers Party leader Bill White.

(NY Times)

REACH!

It'll be just like the old west, only better.

Here in Oklahoma, any adult who's not criminal or insane can take a class and legally carry a concealed handgun. That's called "concealed carry." But now a group here is pushing for "open carry," so you can wear your gun right there on your hip for all to see and admire, just like in the old west as seen on TV.

This is so cool. I'm already picking out my holster.

Quotation of the day --

"An armed society is a polite society."

-- Robert Anson Heinlein

TASTES LIKE CHICKEN

Headline of the day --

"CHEF WHO STABBED, SEASONED HIS VICTIM IS GUILTY OF MURDER"

(Tulsa World, from a London wire story)

OH BOY, MORE PSYCHIATRISTS

He stabbed his psychiatrist to death and slashed another psychiatrist nearly to death. For this, a New York judge has sent David Tarloff to a state psychiatric institution.

That is what's known as a target-rich environment.

AND THESE PEOPLE CAN VOTE!

The New York Times staked out the parking lots at Wal-Mart and Krogers in Mobile, Alabama, to ask the locals what they thought of Barack Obama. The answers were astounding.

"He's neither-nor. He's other. It's in the bible. Come as one. Don't create other breeds." -- Ricky Thompson, potential voter.

"I would think of him as I would of another mixed race. God taught the children of Israel not to intermarry." -- Glenn Reynolds, potential voter.

"He's going to tear up the rose garden and plant a watermelon patch." -- James Halsey, potential voter.

SIGN WARS

Someone destroyed my "Obama '08" yard sign.

A person or persons unknown tore the sign up and stuffed the pieces under the windshield wiper of my car. How rude!

Still, it could have been worse. In two Toronto neighborhoods, more than 30 people with Liberal Party yard signs had their property vandalized with political graffiti and the brake lines on their cars cut. No one's been killed yet but there have been some close calls.

So I got off lightly. And besides, I've restocked. Now I have three Obama yard signs.

WHEN AT FIRST...

The California Medical Board gave a pediatrician seven years probation for choking his psychiatrist and ordered him to get psychotherapy.

Sure, why not, since psychotherapy worked so well the last time.

Note to new psychiatrist: Be afraid. Be very afraid.

MY GOD IS BETTER THAN YOUR GOD

Neighborhood Hindu councils in India are giving local Christians a choice: Convert, or die.

So far more than 30 have died, 130 churches have been destroyed and 3,000 Christians' homes have been burned. Many Christians have fled.

But at least no cows have been harmed.

CHICKPEA WARS

Jews and Muslims celebrated the Jewish holy day of Yom Kippur in the Israeli town of Acre by throwing stones at each other.

It took police with tear gas, stun grenades and water cannons to break up the celebration.

Meanwhile, a Lebanese business group is planning to sue Israel for selling hummus. The Lebanese Industrial Association says that Hummus is a Lebanese dish. Spokesman Fadi Abboud says, "It is not enough they are stealing our land. They are also stealing our civilization and our cuisine."

The group also plans to go after Israeli tabbouleh, falafel and baba ghannouj.

BUT IS SHE OMNIPOTENT?

It's good to be God. Or not.

Matani Shakya is a living Goddess, worshipped by Hindus and Buddhists. She is three years old. Priests in Nepal chose her this week to be the living incarnation of the Hindu Goddess Teleju. But first she had to pass some tests. The living Goddess must...

• ...not yet have menstruated.
• ...be an ideal physical specimen, with perfect skin, hair, eyes, and teeth.
• ...not be afraid of the dark.
• ...have the right horoscope.
• ...spend a night alone in a room with the heads of dead goats and buffaloes without showing fear.

She will live in isolation at the temple until she is disqualified. The last living Goddess, Sajani Shakya, was fired for menstruating.

GUILT BY ASSOCIATION

A new scandal has hit the Republican party, which has been trying to tear down the New Deal for more than 70 years. It turns out that Sarah Palin is related to Franklin D. Roosevelt. Their common ancestor is Palin's ninth great grandfather John Lothrop.

The is not the first such scandal to hit the Republicans. It was revealed last year that Dick Cheney is a distant cousin of Barack Obama.

CATCH 22

A federal judge in Washington, D.C. has ordered the release of 17 detainees from the Guantanamo prison camp because they're not guilty. Even the military admits the Chinese Muslims were never enemy combatants. They've been imprisoned for seven years.

The Bush administration plans to appeal the decision. If that doesn't work, government lawyers say Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents may arrest the men for being in this country illegally.

And WHOSE FAULT IS THAT?

TUNA SURPRISE

John McCain has a secret plan.

At last night's presidential debate McCain said, "I'll get Osama bin Laden, my friends. I'll get him. I know how to get him."

Of course, he won't say how. That would tip off bin Laden.

This reminds me of Richard Nixon. Running for president in 1968, he said he had a plan that would end the war in Vietnam, without losing. He never used the words "secret plan," but he never said what the plan was. That would tip off the enemy. Still, it helped him win the election. It turned out that the secret was that he had no plan.

This reminds me of my first wife's tuna surprise. She would say she was making "tuna surprise" for dinner. Then, she'd bring out hot dogs. I'd ask what happened to the tuna surprise. And she'd say, "Surprise! There's no tuna!"

LEADING THE BLIND

Members of the National Federation of the Blind are going to theaters across the country to protest the movie Blindness. I doubt that most of them have even seen it.

THE DEVIL IS A DEMOCRAT

In Scranton, Pennsylvania, the home town of Vice Presidential Candidate Joe Biden, Catholic Bishop Joseph Martino wrote a letter and ordered every priest in the diocese to read it aloud at Sunday mass. The letter says that voting for a pro-choice candidate is the same as endorsing homicide.

In other words, vote Republican or GO TO HELL!

BUT DOES VAPORUB CURE TOENAIL FUNGUS?

The Annals of Improbable research Magazine has awarded Ig Noble prizes this year to scientists for the following discoveries:

• CocaCola is a spermicide. Diet Coke works best.
• Expensive fake medicines work better than cheap fake medicines.
• Potato chips that sound crunchier taste better.
• Exotic dancers make better tips when they are at peak fertility.

Science dances on!

WHAT WAS THE QUESTION AGAIN?

A recent poll by the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life finds that 21% of self-described atheists say they believe in God.

Huh?