President George Bush says that he has complete confidence in Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. Tell that to Donald Rumsfeld. Or Michael Brown.

Heck of a job, Gonzo.

Here in Oklahoma, three teens escaped last week from the local juvie prison. They got away despite a new $645,000 security fence. The fence is 16 feet tall and topped with razor wire so that absolutely no one can climb over it. The boys crawled under it.

Who'd have thought?

Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani has been married three times. But he's only had two wives. He got the first one annulled. That's because he's Catholic. Annulment is weird. It's like marriage never happened. Like rewinding your life and having a do-over.

My second wife had her first marriage annulled. That's because she's Catholic. So it's like it never happened. But they had three children. So it's not like the children never happened. I guess they're illegitimate. But anyway, they're not Catholic.

Guiliani had his marriage annulled because he turned out to be married to his second cousin. But he insists that when they married he thought she was really his third cousin. But then, who's counting?

The Colorado General Assembly has chosen a new official state song. It's John Denver's "Rocky Mountain High." But state senators insist the song is about a natural high. It has nothing to do with drugs. Or illegal substances. Or anything like that. Nothing at all. Absolutely not.

This is Colorado's second official state song. The other one is "Where the Columbines Grow." But this one has nothing to do with shootings. Or school. Or anything like that. Nothing at all. Absolutely not.

From the scarlet letter department: Ohio legislators want to issue green license plates to convicted sex offenders. They originally wanted pink, but decided that would be just too cruel.

Besides, the Mary Kay people complained. (I'm not making this up.)

Also at Wild Oats (see below), a pack of razor cartridges. The printing on the package claims "no animal testing." It must be comforting to know you're not responsible for any naked little bunnies.

My wife took me to the Wild Oats organic food store yesterday. And among the fair trade this and cruelty free that was a package that claimed to contain "free range mixed nuts." Really. It's fresh air and sunshine for these guys, not a life in the nuthouse.

"Oh give me a home where the hazelnuts roam,
where pecans and pistachios play..."

The military will hold hearings for 14 prisoners transferred to Guantanamo from secret CIA detention overseas. The hearing will determine if the men have to stay in prison. Defense attorneys will not be allowed.

Those pesky defense lawyers just mess things up, anyway.

President George W. Bush last year appointed a five member Privacy and Civil Liberties Board to look into his warrantless wiretaps, and it's about to report its findings to Congress. The report says that the wiretaps were completely legal.

So the administration investigated itself and found itself not guilty.

So, that settles it, then.

Merle Haggard has endorsed Hillary Clinton for president. Is this a sign of the end times?

Jewish people around the world this week celebrated the holiday Purim, which commemorates how Persia tried but failed to kill all the Jews.

This is not to be confused with Hanukkah, which commemorates how Syria tried but failed to kill the Jews.

Nor is it to be confused with Passover, which commemorates how Egypt tried but failed to kill the Jews.

And so on.