QUOTATION OF THE DAY

"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land."

-- Jon Stewart

BEWARE THE BIRD

The media are all over the latest round of scare stories.  This time it's about Thanksgiving.  The primary dangers are these:

• Stuffing cooked in the bird can carry salmonella, which can can cause food poisoning, which can lead to death.
• Overeating can lead to fatness, which can lead to heart disease, which is a leading cause of death.
• Drinking too much can cause drunkenness, which can lead to death.
• Putting up Christmas lights can lead to electrocution.

So have a safe... Oh, forget it.  Stuff yourself with stuffing.  Eat too much.  Drink too much.  Then climb out onto the roof with a string of Christmas lights.  Live life on the edge.

Have a fun Thanksgiving.

LAW AND ORDER

The Roselle Park, New Jersey city council has banned people from sleeping in cars, parks, and public places. 

The law applies to rich and poor alike.

***

Boise, Idaho police arrested a woman who was feeling up other woman in bars by impersonating a plastic surgeon and giving breast exams.

On my best night I could not have pulled off that line.

***

University of New Mexico campus cops ticketed a vehicle three times before they noticed the dead driver in the front seat,

The upside:  She won't have to pay the parking fines.

***

Los Angeles will help homeless people who live in their cars to find overnight parking.

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RUN FOR YOUR LIFE

So this jogger dropped dead a few blocks from my house the other day.

Marcus Takach was 27-years-old.  He was ten miles into the Route 66 half marathon when he died of sudden cardiac arrest.  His last words were, "Help me!"

His father called Marcus a "fitness nut."

In the five-year history of the event, Marcus is the second to die.

This is why I avoid exercise.  It'll kill ya'.

COCKTAIL SAUCE WITH THAT?

Scientists have found the world's oldest shrimp... right here in Oklahoma.

The shrimp is 375-million years old.  Back then, Oklahoma was an ocean.

The shrimp is three inches long, which would qualify as a jumbo shrimp.

The shrimp is fossilised and inedible.

The shrimp's name is Aciculopoda Mapes.

That's one giant name for shrimp.

The shrimp will be housed in the Smithsonian, along with 3000 sea slugs, Harry Truman's bowling pins and Kermit T. Frog.

LOOK FOR THE UNION LABEL

Washington Democrats and Republicans have finally come together on something.

The House of Representatives has passed the All American Flag Act.  It requires the federal government to only buy American flags that are actually made in America.  The Senate is expected to go along.

Most American flags are made in China.

And aren't Chinese/American flags one of the major problems facing our country today?

QUOTATIONS

"In America, any boy may become president.  And I suppose it's just one of the risks he takes."
-- Adlai Stevenson

"The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter."
-- Winston Churchill

THE WAR TO END ALL WARS

Today used to be called Armistice Day.  It was on the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month that an armistice declared World War I officially over.

World War I was known as the war to end all wars.  Now, several wars later, we call the day Veterans Day.

Of course, they didn't call it World War I.  It was called The Great War.  They didn't start numbering these things until the next big one broke out. 

My father fought in World War II.  He was a medical corpsman with a rifle, a draftee who earned a Bronze Star.

And his birthday was November eleventh.

SUCH A DEAL!

An undercover cop arrested a Florida woman for trying to sell her grandchild for $30,000.

Actually, she wanted $75,000 but the cop talked her down to $30,000.

So not only did the cop make a good bust, he also got a great price on a 12-week-old boy.

HOW TALL IS YOUR LORD?

Poland is building the world's tallest Jesus statue.  It will stand 167 feet tall.

Currently, the world's tallest Jesus statue is in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil.  It stands 125 feet tall.

It should be noted that the actual Jesus stood 5 feet 10 inches tall*.

(*as measured by the shroud of Turin.  However, the Jewish historian Josephus had Jesus at 135 cubits, or 4' 6".  But by another measure of the cubit, the same estimate would make Jesus 5' 1" tall.)

IN POLITICS...

Oklahomans will choose a new governor on Tuesday.

A headline in last Sunday's Tulsa World read, "OKLAHOMA'S NEXT GOVERNOR FACES MENTAL HEALTH CRISIS."

So no matter who is elected, they're gonna' go nuts.

***

Also on the ballot, State Question 755 would ban Sharia law in Oklahoma.

That should put an end to all the local stonings and beheadings we've been hearing about lately.

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ANOTHER DELAWARE WINGNUT

"The exact phrase 'separation of Church and State' came out of Adolph Hitler's mouth, that's where it comes from. So the next time your liberal friends talk about the separation of Church and State ask them why they're Nazis."
-- Delaware Congressional candidate Glen Urquhart

WHEN RABBIS FLY

Dr. Eli Landau has written "The White Book." It is a pork cookbook. Landau is an Israeli Jew.

Pork is not kosher. It's not even legal in some parts of Israel. You can't raise pigs in Israel, except for scientific purposes. But you can then eat them after you study them. Sort of like the Japanese and whaling.

Israeli butchers have had their shops burned down for selling pork. That's what's known as Israeli barbecue.

To order pork in a restaurant, you have to ask for "the white steak."

Reviews for "The White Book" are rolling in. Here are a couple.

• Rabbi Shimon Felix: "There's something childish to being so naughty. It's more mature and adult to look at this as an ancient tradition."
• Rabbi Yuval Cherlow: I'm very disappointed by this book. I'm very sorry and it hurts me."

Yes, but it tastes so good.

The book, published in Tel Aviv, has sold about 2,000 copies, not bad in a country of 7.6 million. Why so much acceptance? Rabbi Felix says, "It's perceived as being from Tel Aviv, and what goes on in Tel Aviv, nobody cares."

Sort of like Americans and Las Vegas.

(NYT)

Art Gilmore's was a voice you've probably heard. He voiced coming attractions from ths 1940s into at least the 70s. Here's an Art Gilmore quiz. For what classic pictures did he record these promotional lines?

• "The screen jumps for joy with Glendon Swarthout's inside story of those uproatious Easter vacations."
• "Never before has any film contained such a full measure of the joy of living."
• "This could be the beginning of the end of the human race."
• "The story of a love so powerful it broke through all the barriers past and present, between life and death; between the golden girl in the bank tower and the tawdry redhead that he tried to remake in her image."

And the answers:

• Where the Boys Are
• It's a Wondergul Life
• The War of rhe Worlds
• Vertigo

Art Gilmore died last month. He was 98.

In the field in Afghanistan, women Marines seem to be better at winning the hearts and minds and collecting information from men than than the male Marines. As G Company captain Brandon Turner puts it, "You put a lady in front of them, they'll start blabbing at the mouth."

Men.

They're the same everywhere.

There's also an intimidation factor. Lance Corporal Emily Naslund says, "I'd be nervous, too, if I had five chicks in my living room with weapons.

(NYT)

OH, BABY, BABY IT'S A WILD WORLD!

Last month we got hits from:

• Japan
• Taiwan
• Canada
• Luxembourg
• Germany
• Brazil
• Russia
• Latvia
• China
• and the U.S. of A.

Hello world!

TURN IT UP! TURN IT UP!

The U.S. House and Senate have passed bills making broadcasters turn down the TV, so the commercials are no louder than the programs.

Because, after all, isn't this one of the major problems facing the country these days?

LOTSA LAST WORDS

A man who blew his brains out at Harvard University left behind a 1,904 page suicide note.

Ya' gotta' wonder how he ever found time to kill himself.

QUOTATION FROM THE LUNATIC FRINGE

"Some segments within the U.S. government orchestrated the attack to reverse the declining American economy and its grips on the Middle East in order also to save the Zionist regime. The majority of the American people as well as other nations and politicians agree with this view."

-- Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad on 9/11.

OOPS

Pittsburgh police beat up 25 people who were protesting police brutality.

That'll teach 'em.

Police surrounded the group and then told them to disperse.

Oops.

***

Tornado sirens went off accidentally in Hutchinson, Kansas.

The sirens sound when a city official dials a secret phone number.

The sirens were activated when someone dialed a wrong number.

Oops.

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