HAPPY NEW DECADE

The Pope on New Year's Day asked all the armed groups in the world to "stop, reflect and abandon the way of violence."

And I'm still wishing for a pony for Christmas.

***

This year, there's a new name for our forces in Iraq.

It used to be called the Multinational Force-Iraq, or as President George W. Bush called it, "The coalition of the willing."

But now it's called the United States Force-Iraq, because since Britain, Australia, Romania, Estonia, Tonga and 26 other nations pulled out, no one else has been willing.

***

Here's something to think about.

• People killed in coal mines in the U.S. in 2009: 18
• People killed by nuclear power plants in 2009: 0

.

• People killed in coal mines in the U.S. in 2008: 29
• People killed by nuclear power plants in 2008: 0

I'm just sayin'...

###

ATHLETES BEHAVING BADLY

The Associated Press has named Tiger Woods the "athlete of the decade."

With 17 mistresses and counting, I should think so.

***

The OSU football coach Gundy suspended player Perrish Cox from the Cotton Bowl for breaking curfew.

Cox responded on his Facebook page: "I wz jus 30 mins late pass curfew, traffic wz bad 4 new years, 4get gundy, i put 2 much in 4 this school 4 him 2 do me like that, i mean its a bowl game that the players hard 4, we should b able 2 hav some kinda freedom, its all good, i had fun while it lasted, once a cowboy always a cowboy, regardless of gundy."

So now we know he's not only irresponsible, he's damn near illiterate. How did he get into college, anyway? Oh, yeah, he plays football.

***

What's with athletes and firearms?

• The New York Post reports that Washington Wizards players Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton pulled guns on each other during an argument in the team locker room. Arenas denies this, but admits he kept handguns in his locker.
• Arenas also pleaded no contest in 2003 in California to driving with a handgun in his car.
• Cleveland Cavaliers player Delonte West was indicted for riding his motorcycle armed with two handguns, a shotgun and a knife.
• Giants player Plaxico Burress is serving a two year prison sentence for shooting himself in the leg in a Manhattan nightclub.
• Four Tennessee basketball players -- Tyler Smith, Melvin Goins, Brian Williams and Cameron Tatum -- were arrested when police found a handgun with an altered serial number in their car.

Is this why they call it a "run and gun" offense?

###

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

The world welcomed 2010, each village and hamlet in its own quaint way.

• Sydney set off fireworks.
• Tokyo sent up balloons.
• In France, the Eiffel Tower did a disco light show.
• Rising waters flooded Venice at midnight. But in Venice, who can tell?
• New York lowered a crystal ball.
• Nashville lowered a 10 foot red guitar.
• Atlanta lowered an 800 pound fiberglass peach.
• Eastport, Maine, lowered an 8 foot wooden sardine.
• Mount Olive, North Carolina, lowered a 3 foot glowing pickle.
• Raleigh lowered a giant acorn.
• Basstown dropped a opossum.

***

The Iranian Football (soccer) Federation sent a New Year greeting message to the Israeli Soccer Federation.

The Israeli Football Federation responded with a message saying "Happy new year to all the good people of Iran."

The Iranian Football Federation responded by announcing that their original message was sent by mistake,

***

Lake Superior State University's Word Banishment Committee added these to its banned phrase and word list for 2009.

• bromance
• chillaxin
• czar
• sexting
• shovel ready
• teachable moment
• unfriended

In past years the committee banned "behind closed doors," "flat-out" and "meaningful dialogue." These bans generally do not work.

***

The Library of Congress added some "culturally, historically or aesthetically" significant movies of the last century to its National Film Registry. Among these were Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video (1983), "The Muppet Movie" (1979) and "The Incredible Shrinking Man" (1957).

I shudder to imagine what future centuries will think of us.

***

On New Year's Day, the Walt Disney Company bought Marvel Entertainment. So now Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck will be hanging out with Spider Man and the Hulk.

If Goofy and the Flash can't save, who can?

###

GONE

Here are some people I will miss who didn't make it through 2009.

• David Carradine
• Marilyn Chambers
• Walter Cronkite
• Dom DeLuise
• Farrah Faucett
• Larry Gelbart
• Henry Gibson
• Paul Harvey
• Edward Kennedy
• Aunt Louise
• Karl Malden
• Ed McMahon
• Les Paul
• Debra Palazzo
• Jody Powell
• William Safire
• Soupy Sales
• Arnold Stang
• Gale Storm
• George Tiller
• Mary Travers
• James Whitmore

NOTABLE QUOTES

Here are some notable quotes from 2009.

"Keep your government hands off my Medicare!"
-- A town hall attendee in Simpsonville, South Carolina.

"You lie!"
-- Shouted at Barack Obama during the president's address to Congress, by South Carolina Representative Joe Wilson.

"The governor is hiking the Appalachian Trail."
-- A spokesman for South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, while the governor was actually canoodling with his mistress in Argentina.

"I'm sure it's just one of Michelle's ancestors - probably harmless."
-- South Carolina Republican activist Rusty DePass commenting on an escaped gorilla at the Columbia, South Carolina, zoo.

"We here at the show can't help but notice that South Carolina has taken its rightful place amongst the states that make our lives here at the show easy."
-- "Daily Show" host Jon Stewart.

(NYT)

THE HUNTER AND THE HUNTED

Bear hunting season just ended in Kentucky. No bears were killed.

No hunters died either, so the final score is zero-zero.

***

Two Oklahoma men are charged with shooting 13 head of cattle. The men say they shot the cattle because they couldn't find any deer.

At least they had a reason.

###

OBSERVATIONS ON NATURAL ORDER IN THE UNIVERSE

God is in his heaven,
(Despite opposing theories).
Winter follows autumn,
The Yankees won the Series.

-- Stephen J. Kudless in "The New York Times."

CORRECTION

An important correction from "The New York Times" --

"An article on Thursday about the costs to acquire the gifts listed in the carol "The 12 Days of Christmas" misstated the number of ladies dancing. It is nine, not eight."

THE TRAVELING PANTS

In 2001 Richard Reid tried to blow up an airplane by setting off explosives hidden in his shoes.

That's why we now have to take our shoes off at airport security checkpoints.

In 2009 Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab tried to blow up an airplane by trying to set off explosives hidden in his underpants.

Security checkpoints could get interesting.

***

The FBI detained two men for suspicious activity on a flight to Phoenix. Their activity: They were talking to each other in a foreign language and watching the movie "The Kingdom," starring Jamie Fox and Jennifer Garner, on a laptop or DVD player.

***

You can now fly United with your antlers on.

The airline had banned antlers on board -- even as checked luggage -- until they got thousands of complaints from hunters and antler fans. So now you can check them if you've got them, but there is a size limit and a special antler fee.

###

QUOTATION OF THE DAY

"It is a mistake when good people beat up on good people, though it may clear up some misunderstandings, as they might otherwise not have got to know each other in the first place."

-- Chairman Tse-Tung on China's cultural revolution, from "The Red Flag" by David Priestland, as excerpted in "The New York Times."

CHRISTMAS AROUND THE WORLD

Here's a roundup of what the world did on Christmas.

In Rome, a crazy lady attacked the pope at midnight mass. We don't know if she doesn't like the pope, or likes him too much.

***

In the West Bank, as Israel eased up on roadblocks for Christmas, Palestinian gunmen took advantage of the easy access to kill an Israeli Jew. These attacks were pretty common before the roadblocks went up.

***

Churches in Baghdad held midnight mass in the daytime for security reasons.

***

Sunni bombings across Iraq killed Shiites celebrating Ashouri, in revenge for something that happened 1,329 years ago.

***

A Pennsylvania high school student was serving a suspension for wearing a Santa suit to school. The boy was charged with "defiance of authority."

***

Christmas day was Mitzvah Day in and around Detroit, a nearly 20 year tradition where Jews -- who don't celebrate Christmas -- help Christians -- who do -- to make Christmas happy.

This year Muslims joined the hundreds of volunteers to deliver toys to the needy and food to the hungry,

###

HAPPY CHRISTMAS AND SHALOM

"I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
Just like the ones I used to know."

They say there's a war against Christmas. Not in my house! I love Christmas! Bring it on!

"Where the treetops glisten, and children listen
To hear sleigh bells in the snow."

Irving Berlin wrote that. But he was Jewish. His real name was Israel Baline and he grew up in a Russian shetl. So what did he know from Christmas?

"I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
With every Christmas card I write."

I'm Jewish. Christmas has absolutely no religious significance for me. I don't believe Christ was born in a barn in the dead of winter, nor do most bible scholars. So much of Christmas tradition was invented -- largely by Jewish people, ancient and modern -- to make us happy..

"May your days be merry and bright
And may all your Christmases be white."

People around me seem happier at Christmas. And that makes me happy, in a quiet, peaceful way. The snow makes me happy. The lights and the music make me happy.

So for whatever makes you happy -- good food, the hope for peace on Earth, or the thought that Christ came to save you from your sins -- Merry Christmas.

"Although it's been said many times, many ways,
Merry Christmas to you."*


*Mel Torme wrote that. He was Jewish too.

ZAT YOU SANTA CLAUS?

A man dressed as Santa Claus robbed the SunTrust Bank in Hermitage, Tennessee. Witnesses described him as a fat man with a beard wearing a red suit.

"His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow."

Anyone with information should contact the FBI Violent Crimes Task Force. Tipsters remain anonymous and qualify for a cash reward.

(The Tennessean)

CRIME NEWS

Jesus has returned.

Thieves stole Baby Jesus from the First Lutheran Church nativity scene in Ada, Oklahoma.

Fortunately, the church had a spare Christ child. But security is increased. The baby is now bolted to the manger.

This time of year, everyone wants Jesus.

HEALTH NEWS

Clemson University has studied double-dipping at parties.

Researchers found that three to six double dips transferred about 10.000 bacteria to the dip, and 50 to 100 bacteria back to the chip.

One scientist says that's "like kissing everyone at the party."

And what's wrong with that?

***

Researchers in Japan have bred transparent goldfish.

You can look right through them and see the fishy insides.

And these are big fish, maybe a couple pounds each.

The big advantage is that scientists can study their internal organs without dissecting the fish.

And that's good for the goldfish.

***

Today I had a CT scan.

I have one of these every three months to see if my cancer has returned.

But CT scans also increase the risk of cancer.

Sometimes you just can't win for losing.

###

AN OKLAHOMA CHRISTMAS

Oklahoma City's Westminster Presbyterian Church held Christmas Eve services last night, a week early. It was for people too busy to make it on the 24th.

It was billed as a traveler's Christmas service for people who will be out of town for Christmas.

After all, as Reverend Bryan Eckelmann points out, "I took notice that in the original Christmas story, no one is in their own home."

***

The Norman Unitarian Fellowship in Norman, Oklahoma, presented "A Very Belly Christmas" last week, with belly dancing performances by Bella Fire and the Norman Belly Dance Club.

###

FIGHTING SIOUX, MORMON HANUKKAH, AND KILLER HAMSTERS

It's the attack of the killer hamsters.

The Zhu Zhu robot hamster is one of the season's top selling toys. But the GoodGuide consumer organization says it's a dangerous rodent. They say it contains too much antimony.

A warning label could easily fix this. The label would read, "Warning: Don't eat the hamster."

***

Orrin Hatch, a Mormon senator from Utah, wrote a Hanukkah song that has now been recorded in a New York studio by singer Rasheeda Azar, a Syrian-American from Indiana.

Only in America.

***

The N.C.A.A. wants the University of North Dakota hockey team to drop its "Fighting Sioux" nickname and logo. But the Spirit Lake tribe wants the school to keep it. And they're certainly entitled to their opinion. After all, they're Sioux.

Some non-Sioux native Americans on campus object to the nickname. But the Sioux say they're just jealous.

And so the Sioux are suing.

###

READING AND RIDING

Tulsa's Gilcrease Elementary School has a problem with overage students. Some are so many grades behind that they drive themselves to school.

They are somehow able to pass the driving test, but not the mandatory reading test,

Dr. Phyllis Lovett says, "The older kids are just much more mature and their behaviors are such that our younger kids don't need to be exposed to it, and that's to put it very mildly."

RANDOM NEWS

(Nebraska) Having a designated driver is a good idea. Having your 11-year-old son for a designated driver is a bad idea,

Christopher Julfs is in trouble with the law, and his son is no longer behind the wheel.

***

(North Carolina) A herd of deer assaulted Michelle Brewer the other day. The deer trampled her, kicked her several feet into the air and left hoofprints on her body. Brewer is battered and bruised but otherwise OK.

Rudolf is back, and he's pissed.

***

From the "Tulsa World."

"Santa Cow will be at Chick-fil-A ... Saturday.

"...kids can have their photos taken with the Santa Cow."

###

OBAMA'S WAR ON CHRISTMAS

More proof that President Barack Obama is a Muslim, or at least anti-Christian.

His televised Afghanistan speech pre-empted "A Charlie Brown Christmas."

So says Arlington Arlington, Tennessee Mayor Russell Wiseman on his Facebook page.

"Ok, so, this is total crap, we sit the kids down to watch 'The Charlie Brown Christmas Special' and our muslim president is there, what a load.....try to convince me that wasn't done on purpose. Ask the man if he believes that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and he will give you a 10 minute disertation (sic) about it....w...hen the answer should simply be 'yes'...."

He went on.

"...you obama people need to move to a muslim country...oh wait, that's America....pitiful."

And on.

"you know, our forefathers had it written in the original Constitution that ONLY property owners could vote, if that has stayed in there, things would be different........"

Wiseman has more than 1,600 friends on Facebook. Only his "friends" can read his posts. At least one of them ratted him out.