THE TRAVELING PANTS

In 2001 Richard Reid tried to blow up an airplane by setting off explosives hidden in his shoes.

That's why we now have to take our shoes off at airport security checkpoints.

In 2009 Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab tried to blow up an airplane by trying to set off explosives hidden in his underpants.

Security checkpoints could get interesting.

***

The FBI detained two men for suspicious activity on a flight to Phoenix. Their activity: They were talking to each other in a foreign language and watching the movie "The Kingdom," starring Jamie Fox and Jennifer Garner, on a laptop or DVD player.

***

You can now fly United with your antlers on.

The airline had banned antlers on board -- even as checked luggage -- until they got thousands of complaints from hunters and antler fans. So now you can check them if you've got them, but there is a size limit and a special antler fee.

###

QUOTATION OF THE DAY

"It is a mistake when good people beat up on good people, though it may clear up some misunderstandings, as they might otherwise not have got to know each other in the first place."

-- Chairman Tse-Tung on China's cultural revolution, from "The Red Flag" by David Priestland, as excerpted in "The New York Times."

CHRISTMAS AROUND THE WORLD

Here's a roundup of what the world did on Christmas.

In Rome, a crazy lady attacked the pope at midnight mass. We don't know if she doesn't like the pope, or likes him too much.

***

In the West Bank, as Israel eased up on roadblocks for Christmas, Palestinian gunmen took advantage of the easy access to kill an Israeli Jew. These attacks were pretty common before the roadblocks went up.

***

Churches in Baghdad held midnight mass in the daytime for security reasons.

***

Sunni bombings across Iraq killed Shiites celebrating Ashouri, in revenge for something that happened 1,329 years ago.

***

A Pennsylvania high school student was serving a suspension for wearing a Santa suit to school. The boy was charged with "defiance of authority."

***

Christmas day was Mitzvah Day in and around Detroit, a nearly 20 year tradition where Jews -- who don't celebrate Christmas -- help Christians -- who do -- to make Christmas happy.

This year Muslims joined the hundreds of volunteers to deliver toys to the needy and food to the hungry,

###

HAPPY CHRISTMAS AND SHALOM

"I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
Just like the ones I used to know."

They say there's a war against Christmas. Not in my house! I love Christmas! Bring it on!

"Where the treetops glisten, and children listen
To hear sleigh bells in the snow."

Irving Berlin wrote that. But he was Jewish. His real name was Israel Baline and he grew up in a Russian shetl. So what did he know from Christmas?

"I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
With every Christmas card I write."

I'm Jewish. Christmas has absolutely no religious significance for me. I don't believe Christ was born in a barn in the dead of winter, nor do most bible scholars. So much of Christmas tradition was invented -- largely by Jewish people, ancient and modern -- to make us happy..

"May your days be merry and bright
And may all your Christmases be white."

People around me seem happier at Christmas. And that makes me happy, in a quiet, peaceful way. The snow makes me happy. The lights and the music make me happy.

So for whatever makes you happy -- good food, the hope for peace on Earth, or the thought that Christ came to save you from your sins -- Merry Christmas.

"Although it's been said many times, many ways,
Merry Christmas to you."*


*Mel Torme wrote that. He was Jewish too.

ZAT YOU SANTA CLAUS?

A man dressed as Santa Claus robbed the SunTrust Bank in Hermitage, Tennessee. Witnesses described him as a fat man with a beard wearing a red suit.

"His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow."

Anyone with information should contact the FBI Violent Crimes Task Force. Tipsters remain anonymous and qualify for a cash reward.

(The Tennessean)

CRIME NEWS

Jesus has returned.

Thieves stole Baby Jesus from the First Lutheran Church nativity scene in Ada, Oklahoma.

Fortunately, the church had a spare Christ child. But security is increased. The baby is now bolted to the manger.

This time of year, everyone wants Jesus.

HEALTH NEWS

Clemson University has studied double-dipping at parties.

Researchers found that three to six double dips transferred about 10.000 bacteria to the dip, and 50 to 100 bacteria back to the chip.

One scientist says that's "like kissing everyone at the party."

And what's wrong with that?

***

Researchers in Japan have bred transparent goldfish.

You can look right through them and see the fishy insides.

And these are big fish, maybe a couple pounds each.

The big advantage is that scientists can study their internal organs without dissecting the fish.

And that's good for the goldfish.

***

Today I had a CT scan.

I have one of these every three months to see if my cancer has returned.

But CT scans also increase the risk of cancer.

Sometimes you just can't win for losing.

###

AN OKLAHOMA CHRISTMAS

Oklahoma City's Westminster Presbyterian Church held Christmas Eve services last night, a week early. It was for people too busy to make it on the 24th.

It was billed as a traveler's Christmas service for people who will be out of town for Christmas.

After all, as Reverend Bryan Eckelmann points out, "I took notice that in the original Christmas story, no one is in their own home."

***

The Norman Unitarian Fellowship in Norman, Oklahoma, presented "A Very Belly Christmas" last week, with belly dancing performances by Bella Fire and the Norman Belly Dance Club.

###

FIGHTING SIOUX, MORMON HANUKKAH, AND KILLER HAMSTERS

It's the attack of the killer hamsters.

The Zhu Zhu robot hamster is one of the season's top selling toys. But the GoodGuide consumer organization says it's a dangerous rodent. They say it contains too much antimony.

A warning label could easily fix this. The label would read, "Warning: Don't eat the hamster."

***

Orrin Hatch, a Mormon senator from Utah, wrote a Hanukkah song that has now been recorded in a New York studio by singer Rasheeda Azar, a Syrian-American from Indiana.

Only in America.

***

The N.C.A.A. wants the University of North Dakota hockey team to drop its "Fighting Sioux" nickname and logo. But the Spirit Lake tribe wants the school to keep it. And they're certainly entitled to their opinion. After all, they're Sioux.

Some non-Sioux native Americans on campus object to the nickname. But the Sioux say they're just jealous.

And so the Sioux are suing.

###

READING AND RIDING

Tulsa's Gilcrease Elementary School has a problem with overage students. Some are so many grades behind that they drive themselves to school.

They are somehow able to pass the driving test, but not the mandatory reading test,

Dr. Phyllis Lovett says, "The older kids are just much more mature and their behaviors are such that our younger kids don't need to be exposed to it, and that's to put it very mildly."

RANDOM NEWS

(Nebraska) Having a designated driver is a good idea. Having your 11-year-old son for a designated driver is a bad idea,

Christopher Julfs is in trouble with the law, and his son is no longer behind the wheel.

***

(North Carolina) A herd of deer assaulted Michelle Brewer the other day. The deer trampled her, kicked her several feet into the air and left hoofprints on her body. Brewer is battered and bruised but otherwise OK.

Rudolf is back, and he's pissed.

***

From the "Tulsa World."

"Santa Cow will be at Chick-fil-A ... Saturday.

"...kids can have their photos taken with the Santa Cow."

###

OBAMA'S WAR ON CHRISTMAS

More proof that President Barack Obama is a Muslim, or at least anti-Christian.

His televised Afghanistan speech pre-empted "A Charlie Brown Christmas."

So says Arlington Arlington, Tennessee Mayor Russell Wiseman on his Facebook page.

"Ok, so, this is total crap, we sit the kids down to watch 'The Charlie Brown Christmas Special' and our muslim president is there, what a load.....try to convince me that wasn't done on purpose. Ask the man if he believes that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and he will give you a 10 minute disertation (sic) about it....w...hen the answer should simply be 'yes'...."

He went on.

"...you obama people need to move to a muslim country...oh wait, that's America....pitiful."

And on.

"you know, our forefathers had it written in the original Constitution that ONLY property owners could vote, if that has stayed in there, things would be different........"

Wiseman has more than 1,600 friends on Facebook. Only his "friends" can read his posts. At least one of them ratted him out.

BLACK FRIDAY SAFETY TIPS.

Not to outdone by the "Tulsa World" safe Thanksgiving, and in a continuing media effort to scare the public to death about everything concerning life, the "Daily Oklahoman" newspaper published warnings for a safe Black Friday.

Here are some of those safety warnings.

• After dark, don't shop alone. Take a friend. (Yeah, so you can both be mugged!)
• Remember where you parked your car. (If you can't find your car, it might have been stolen.)
• Look under your car before getting in. (This is based on the urban folktale about the guy hiding under the car ready to disable you by cutting your ankle tendons with his straight razor. Forget it. It's never happened.)

All these warning despite an adjacent article pointing out there is no more crime at the malls on Black Friday than on any other November Friday. But reason never wins over a good scare.

***

In South Carolina Black Friday kicks off "Second Amendment Weekend" with no state or local sales tax on firearms.

An armed shopper is a safe shopper.

###

DON'T KICK A JEW

It was “kick a Jew day” at Florida's North Naples Middle School.

And a great time was had until someone went and kicked a Jew.

Ten people, actually. And one Jew -- a girl, yet.

The ten students were suspended. The Jew was not seriously hurt.

Still, it was a break from all those other days when the Goyem just kick each other.

BAD BIRDS

Are we a nation of sissies?

Each year, sometime between the Halloween safety warnings and the Christmas safety warnings, come the Thanksgiving safety warnings.

This week, the "Tulsa World" newspaper dutifully printed these tips on how to have a safe turkey.

1. Don't wash the turkey. It just splashes the germs around.
2. Don't thaw your turkey in the garage or kitchen counter.
3. Keep meat chilled until you cook it.
4. When handling the turkey, keep it separate from other foods with separate cutting boards and utensils.
5. Once you touch the raw turkey, don't touch anything else until you wash your hands with soap and water.
6. Set the oven temperature at 325 degrees or higher.
7. Cook to a minimum internal temperature of 165 degrees to kill bacteria. Use a thermometer.
8. Food dishes cooked at home and served warm at the family gathering should be kept above 140 degrees.
9. Don't leave food out of the refrigerator for more than two hours.
10. Wash your hands before you eat. If that is not possible, use hand sanitizer or wipes.
11. Use different utensils for cooking the food and eating it. Do not use the same fork to handle the turkey while cooking and to serve turkey at the table.
12. Reheat all leftovers to 165 degrees. Gravy should be boiled.

And to think it only took the Israelites ten commandments.

How did we ever survive before all these safety warnings?

Sure, bad birds kill a few people every year. But considering how many turkeys give their lives for Thanksgiving every year, the birds are still behind.

So just eat up and have a happy Thanksgiving.

CRIME AND PUNISHMENT

Kenneth Eugene Barrett killed a cop. So now he's suing.

Oklahoma State Troopers approached Barrett's Oklahoma cabin in 1999 to bust him for methamphetamine. Barrett opened fire with a black rifle. He wounded Trooper John "Buddy" Hamilton. He killed Trooper David "Rocky" Eales.

Troopers returned fire. They wounded Barrett. He still has a bullet in him. He says it still hurts. He says he's developed a rash. He alleges inadequate medical care.

Barrett is on death row. No execution date has been set. When it is, that should clear up any lingering health problems.

***

The penalty for suicide in Uganda is caning. Yes, even successful suicide. The body is caned before burial, as a warning to other would-be suicides.

Now the government wants to extend this posthumous punishment to those who drink themselves to death. No one escapes the law in Uganda, not even the dead..

###

IN POLITICS...

Tulsa elected my new city councilwoman on Tuesday.

Within hours of the victory, a drunk stole her wallet.

(Note that men are Councilmen. Women are Councilwomen. Councilors are people who work at summer camps for children.)

As Councilwoman Elect Maria Barnes celebrated her victory at the Casa Laredo restaurant downtown, one of her constituents -- 26 year old Jordan Lee Christ -- snaked his hand into her purse and took off with her wallet. Police say a considerable amount of alcohol was involved.

Maria and several of her supporters chased the bandit. Oklahoma House of Representatives candidate Steve Gallo brought the bad boy down a few blocks away. Barnes broke a fingernail in the melee.

The thief has a record of convictions for assault and battery, outraging public decency, peeping Tom and larceny, but was never known to have been active in politics before.

BUSINESS NEWS

Ford's top sales analyst says smaller cars will save the company. George Pipas says buyers are looking for compact cars, and that will be Fords largest segment in the next few years.

Detroit has been losing market share for decades to smaller Asian and European cars, and it just took a high priced sales analyst to figure this out?

Duh!

***

Boulder, Colorado schools are serving healthier lunches now by adding more vegetables and fresh fruit.

Sales are down.

Duh!

###

CHURCH NEWS

The war against the homeless continues.

Earlier I reported on a town in New Jersey that stopped a church from feeding homeless people. Now it's happening in Arizona.

Phoenix has ordered the CrossRoads United Methodist Church to stop feeding the homeless at the church. It seems that the area is zoned residential, not commercial. And the neighbors don't want homeless people in a neighborhood where some people actually have homes.

Take that, you homeless people!

***

Some Italian churches are replacing the holy water basins with dispensers that squirt a single serving of holy water for the faithful. This is to prevent worshippers from catching swine flu from the holy water.

But as my wife, who is possibly Catholic (She claims to be a converted Methodist but I say once you're born Catholic, that's it.) asks, "How can you catch flu from holy water? It's holy!"

Yes, but maybe God just loves all creatures, even down to the smallest virus.

###

IN THE NEWS

People lined up at the polls today.

But it was a week too early.

All around the country today people are voting.

But not in Oklahoma.

In Oklahoma, the first Thursday in November is election day.

But not in odd numbered years.

In odd numbered years municipal elections are held the second Tuesday in November.

Go figure.

***

Some new laws are going into effect in Oklahoma this Sunday.

• All members of the armed forces during times of combat will be exempt from jury duty.
• Mothers who are breast feeding will be exempt from jury duty. (No titties in the courtroom.)
• Human cloning will be illegal in Oklahoma.

So there'll be no breast-feeding combat-clones on Oklahoma juries.

***

Just across the Oklahoma line, the town of Wakita, Kansas, wants to build a Christian prison.

It would be a private prison. The mayor and other city leaders are all for it.

The staff would all be Christians. No Jews allowed.

Is this even legal?

Wayland University, a Christian collage, would set up a satellite campus to teach an all Christian curriculum. All prisoners would have to participate.

The idea is to reduce the recidivism rate. But given the low incarceration and recidivism rate among Jewish people, wouldn't it make more sense to get a bunch of Rabbis in there teaching the Talmud?

I'm just askin'.

***

New Jersey is holding a Fugitive Safe Surrender program so criminals can turn themselves in without going to jail. Violent crimes are not covered, but the amnesty does include bribery, extortion and racketeering.

There are about 9,000 eligable fugitives in Essex County alone.

Are you listening, Tony Soprano?

###