I was a child who played on the jungle gym made of steel pipe in a Brooklyn playground made of concrete. There I'd hang by my legs, upside down, my head a yard above the hard cement that never did splatter my skull.

The early Sesame Street is out on DVD -- "Sesame Street: Old School" volumes one and two -- with a warning label: "These early 'Sesame Street' episodes are intended for grown-ups, and may not suit the needs of today's preschool child."

How sad. It makes me want to ride my bike downhill, fast, without hands or helmet. Just like I used to.

As Oklahoma celebrated 100 years of statehood, a group marched on the capital to protest illegal immigration.

The protesters were American Indians.

The illegal immigrants were white men.

And women.

A hundred years ago Oklahoma was Indian country.

But not anymore.

And that's where immigration can lead.

Coal-energy causalities this week:

• 63 dead in a Ukraine mine explosion
• 37 trapped
• 28 injures

Natural gas causalities this week:

• 28 dead in a Saudi Arabia pipeline explosion
• 12 missing

Nuclear energy causalities in the U.S. this century:

• none

Revenuers in Nashville seized a three litre bottle of Jack Daniels, a bottle so large it cannot be legally sold in the U.S.

And that's a fact, Jack.

The Hollywood Prayer Network -- five thousand Christians strong -- prays for celebrities.

They pray for Paris Hilton. They pray for Britney Spears.

Britney is their number one prayer request.

They take prayer walks on studio lots, handing out stickers -- to put on your remote control -- that say, "Pray for this show."

They sell red bracelets stamped 90028. That's the Hollywood zip code.

Never say the movies haven't got a prayer.

Not a legal resident?

No driver's licence for you!

I'm talking about Mexico, here.

In the U.S., eight states allow driver's licenses for illegal immigrants.

But not Mexico. All 31 Mexican states and the District of Mexico City require proof of citizenship or a work visa.

Isn't it ironical?

Coming to Branson, Missouri, Noah - The Musical, featuring:

• 40 actors*
• live animals
• camels - horses - llamas - dogs - birds - and more
• 2 of each, of course
• two million watts of lighting
• surround sound
• football field size stage
• four story ark

The Bible just doesn't get any better than this.

*Only eight actors make it onto the ark, of course.

From Braun, the Oral-B ProfessionalCare 9900 Triumph electric toothbrush with Wireless Smart Guide, a wireless display that monitors brushing pressure, brush wear, elapsed time, and has a programmable custom brushing mode.

And just in time for Christmas. It's for the person who has everything except a Braun Oral-B ProfessionalCare 9900 Triumph electric toothbrush with Wireless Smart Guide and programmable custom brushing mode.

There will be no election watchdogs in Russia this time.

Elections are December 2. But Russia delayed the visas and laid down so many restrictions about how many foreign election observers they'd allow, where they could go, and when they could report, that the Office for Democratic and Human Rights of the Organization for Security and Cooperation in Europe just gave up.

On the other hand, I can understand Russia's resistance. Imagine how we'd feel if the United Nations were to send some committee to the U.S. to see that our next presidential election was fair and accurate.

On the third hand, I kind of like the idea.

The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops has issued a statement on "faithful citizenship."

The statement says, in part, "A Catholic cannot vote for a candidate who takes a position in favor of an intrinsic evil, such as abortion..." It informs Catholics that such votes, "also may affect their salvation."

In other words, VOTE REPUBLICAN OR GO TO HELL.

It's time for another round of "Insert punchline here."

This story is verbatim from Agence France-Presse via The New York Times:

SUDAN: APOLOGY FOR SURGICAL MIX-UP

.

Health Minister David Homeli Mwakyusa has apologised in Parliament for a surgical mix-up this month that resulted in a knee patient's undergoing a complex brain operation. The brain patient had knee surgery.

.

(Insert punchline here.)

Svitlana Parnyuk, walking home from a New Jersey Mini Mart where she had just bought a lottery ticket, was hit by a car and killed.

And she lost the lottery, too.

Tens of thousands of joyous Palestinians filled the streets of Gaza to remember the third anniversary of the death of Yasir Arafat.

The death toll was six.

Fatah members say Hamas police did the shooting.

But a Hamas policeman said they had to respond after Fatah people threw rocks and called them names.

A new opinion poll says that 40% of Palestinians most trust the Fatah party.

25% most trust the Hamas party.

The rest trust no one. Good call.

A Washington man tried to loosen the lug nut on his Lincoln Continental with a shotgun.

He was hit with buckshot all over his body, but he'll survive.

He'd been trying to get the lug nut off for two weeks.

Police say the incident was not alcohol related.

I guess that when your best tool is a shotgun, all your problems look like lug nuts.

Talk about your mobile home!

Saudi Arabian Prince Alwaleed bin Talal is buying a flying palace.

The Airbus A380 has two stories and 6,000 feet of floor space. It stands as tall as a seven story building with a wingspan the length of a football field. The plane costs $320 million without furnishings.

It'll be furnished with private private bedrooms and maybe a movie theater or a gym with jacuzzi. It takes a crew of 15.

The prince is trading up from a Boeing 747.

Air Force One is a 747.

It's good to be prince.

A new study says that kids who watch a lot of TV are more likely to have sex by age 15.

And the University of Wisconsin study says that the more TV kids watch, the more sex they have.

Funny, but that never worked for me when I was that age.

In fact, if I'd had more sex -- make that, any sex -- I'd have watched a lot less TV.

Just in time for the presidential campaign the book Target: Caught in the Crosshairs of Bill and Hillary Clinton by Kathleen Willey, published by World Ahead, in which the author reveals that...

• President Clinton sexually assaulted her in the Oval Office.
• Her husband was murdered on the same day. "They" said it was suicide.
• Her husband had shady financial dealings with the Clintons.
• Hillary hired a detective to kill her cats.
• Hillary was late in paying the detective's bill.
• A mysterious burglar broke into her home and stole only the manuscript of this book. Luckily, she had another copy.
• The Clintons have an army of secret police.
• Bill is an exiled ruler from the planet Zanfoort and Hillary is an escapee from an evil alternate universe. They have come to Earth to steal our living essence and use it to build an invincible army of daemons with which to take over the galaxy and remake it in their image.

OK, I just made up that last one.

Pat Robertson has endorsed Rudy Giuliani for president.

It's not they agree on abortion rights. Rudy's for it, Pat's against it.

It's not that they agree on gay marriage. Rudy's for it, Pat's against it.

In fact, Pat said it was because of America's tolerance of abortion and homosexuality that God let Islamic terrorists bring down the World Trade building.

But now Pat says he believes that Rudy can defend the country against "the blood lust of Islamic terrorists."

Pat enthusiastically says, "Rudy Giuliani is without question an acceptable candidate."

And Pat says that Rudy "can win the general election."

Because winning isn't everything. It's the only thing.

And now let's play "Insert punchline here."

This year there was a Muslim float in San Francisco's Gay Pride Parade.

(Insert punchline here.)

Parents magazine asked 1,006 parents which presidential candidate they would most trust to babysit their children.

Most parents -- 26% -- said Hillary Clinton.

Then the magazine asked which candidate they would least trust to babysit their children.

Most parents -- 25% -- said Hillary Clinton.

Sometimes you just can't win.

Or lose.