QUOTATION OF THE DAY

"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land."

-- Jon Stewart

BEWARE THE BIRD

The media are all over the latest round of scare stories.  This time it's about Thanksgiving.  The primary dangers are these:

• Stuffing cooked in the bird can carry salmonella, which can can cause food poisoning, which can lead to death.
• Overeating can lead to fatness, which can lead to heart disease, which is a leading cause of death.
• Drinking too much can cause drunkenness, which can lead to death.
• Putting up Christmas lights can lead to electrocution.

So have a safe... Oh, forget it.  Stuff yourself with stuffing.  Eat too much.  Drink too much.  Then climb out onto the roof with a string of Christmas lights.  Live life on the edge.

Have a fun Thanksgiving.

LAW AND ORDER

The Roselle Park, New Jersey city council has banned people from sleeping in cars, parks, and public places. 

The law applies to rich and poor alike.

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Boise, Idaho police arrested a woman who was feeling up other woman in bars by impersonating a plastic surgeon and giving breast exams.

On my best night I could not have pulled off that line.

***

University of New Mexico campus cops ticketed a vehicle three times before they noticed the dead driver in the front seat,

The upside:  She won't have to pay the parking fines.

***

Los Angeles will help homeless people who live in their cars to find overnight parking.

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RUN FOR YOUR LIFE

So this jogger dropped dead a few blocks from my house the other day.

Marcus Takach was 27-years-old.  He was ten miles into the Route 66 half marathon when he died of sudden cardiac arrest.  His last words were, "Help me!"

His father called Marcus a "fitness nut."

In the five-year history of the event, Marcus is the second to die.

This is why I avoid exercise.  It'll kill ya'.

COCKTAIL SAUCE WITH THAT?

Scientists have found the world's oldest shrimp... right here in Oklahoma.

The shrimp is 375-million years old.  Back then, Oklahoma was an ocean.

The shrimp is three inches long, which would qualify as a jumbo shrimp.

The shrimp is fossilised and inedible.

The shrimp's name is Aciculopoda Mapes.

That's one giant name for shrimp.

The shrimp will be housed in the Smithsonian, along with 3000 sea slugs, Harry Truman's bowling pins and Kermit T. Frog.

LOOK FOR THE UNION LABEL

Washington Democrats and Republicans have finally come together on something.

The House of Representatives has passed the All American Flag Act.  It requires the federal government to only buy American flags that are actually made in America.  The Senate is expected to go along.

Most American flags are made in China.

And aren't Chinese/American flags one of the major problems facing our country today?

QUOTATIONS

"In America, any boy may become president.  And I suppose it's just one of the risks he takes."
-- Adlai Stevenson

"The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter."
-- Winston Churchill

THE WAR TO END ALL WARS

Today used to be called Armistice Day.  It was on the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month that an armistice declared World War I officially over.

World War I was known as the war to end all wars.  Now, several wars later, we call the day Veterans Day.

Of course, they didn't call it World War I.  It was called The Great War.  They didn't start numbering these things until the next big one broke out. 

My father fought in World War II.  He was a medical corpsman with a rifle, a draftee who earned a Bronze Star.

And his birthday was November eleventh.

SUCH A DEAL!

An undercover cop arrested a Florida woman for trying to sell her grandchild for $30,000.

Actually, she wanted $75,000 but the cop talked her down to $30,000.

So not only did the cop make a good bust, he also got a great price on a 12-week-old boy.

HOW TALL IS YOUR LORD?

Poland is building the world's tallest Jesus statue.  It will stand 167 feet tall.

Currently, the world's tallest Jesus statue is in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil.  It stands 125 feet tall.

It should be noted that the actual Jesus stood 5 feet 10 inches tall*.

(*as measured by the shroud of Turin.  However, the Jewish historian Josephus had Jesus at 135 cubits, or 4' 6".  But by another measure of the cubit, the same estimate would make Jesus 5' 1" tall.)